What Ever Possessed YOU To Have Children?
by xinglongneo
Summary: Pretty much, what the children of certain Bleach pairings would be like. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Mainly MF pairings, don't let the first one scare you. No wait, let it scare you. It's kind of scary...
1. It was an Accident, We Swear!

Yes...this is what happens when I have nothing to do. It's all random, and there are no spoilers I can think of. This is hopefully the first of many chapters like this, with the most random pairings I can come up with.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, thankfully. Otherwise I'd have to deal with rabid fans. I do, however, own this story and most of its content, but you can steal that as long as you don't kill anybody. :).

I also think that most people read this one and then think the rest of them are along these lines. Well, they are. But they're mainly heterosexual couples after this one, which I couldn't resist. And I think I get better at these as I go along.

Here is a list of the pairings I've done so far:

1. Soi Fon/Shihouin Yoruichi 2. Soi Fon/Zaraki Kenpachi 3. Kuchiki Rukia/Kuchiki Byakuya 4. Soi Fon/Ayasegawa Yumichika 5. Shihouin Yoruichi/Kuchiki Byakuya 6. Hinamori Momo/Ichimaru Gin 7. Soi Fon/Yamada Hanatarou 9. Kurosaki Ichigo/His Hollow 10. Ise Nanao/Kyoraku Shunsui 11.Matsumoto Rangiku/Hitusgaya Toushiro 12 & 13. Hinamori Momo/Hitsugaya Toushirou 15. Kuchiki Rukia/Kurosaki Ichigo 16. Inoue Orihime/Kurosaki Ichigo 17. Soi Fon/Urahara Kisuke 18. Kurosaki Karin/Hitsugaya Toushiou 20. Arisawa Tatsuki/Abarai Renji 21. Kuchiki Rukia/Abarai Renji 22.Soi Fon/Kuchiki Byakuya 24. Soi Fon/Hitsugaya Toushirou 25. Kusajishi Yachiru/Kuchiki Byakuya 27. Kurotsuchi Nemu/Madarame Ikkaku 28. Hinamori Momo/Zaraki Kenpachi 29. Unohana Retsu/Kotetsu Isane 30. Shiba Kuukaku/Kurotsuchi Mayuri 31. Shihouin Yoruichi/Ishida Uryuu 32. Shiba Kuukaku/Yamamoto-Genryusai Shigekuni 33. Iemura/Random Aliens 34. Unohana Retsu/Sado Yasutora (Chad) 35. Shihouin Yoruichi/Hitsugaya Toushirou 37. Kurosaki Ichigo/Kuchiki Byakuya 40. Shihouin Yoruichi/Urahara Kisuke 41. Unohana Retsu/Zaraki Kenpachi

1. When Unohana-taichou told Yoruichi she was pregnant, Yoruichi thought she was joking. It took thirty minutes and two more tests to convince her otherwise.

2. She then spent the rest of the day convincing Soi Fong that she hadn't cheated on her. It involved calling Kisuke, Kuukaku, and several other people.

3. They now have three children - Soi'ichi, Yoruko, and Riari.

4. They almost stopped having children after Soi'ichi. Yoruko maintains it's because Soi'ichi has a stick up her ass. Soi Fong and Yoruichi have yet to comment, but Soi'ichi's behavior as a child can't be the reason there's almost four hundred years between Soi'ichi and Yoruko. Soi'ichi was perfectly composed as a child. She was mature when she was five.

5. Yoruko is the only one of the three who can turn into a cat. She uses this talent ruthlessly, escaping all the time.

6. Yoruko has walked in on Soi Fong and Yoruichi so many times that all three of them have lost count, and it no longer bothers any of them, and Yoruko hides in their room from Soi'ichi because Soi'ichi does not want to walk in on her parents. She hasn't yet.

7. Besides Yoruichi and Soi Fong, Yoruko is the only person who knows they've had sex in every division office. She knows this because she walked in on them in every office. Neither of her parents are sure if this was intentional or not.

8. Yoruichi is absolutely positively sure that Riari was conceived on Yamamoto's desk.

9. Yoruichi desperately wanted to name Riari Shaolin, but Soi Fong shot it down. There was _no_ way that their child was going to be named Shaolin. So Yoruichi (who named the other two with minimal input from Soi) asked her to come up with a name, and Soi came up with Riari.

10. The only reason she could even come up with Riari is because she'd met someone named Riari that day.

11. It's a good thing, too, otherwise Riari would've been named 'Third'. Soi Fong's not that good with names.

12. Riari is the nudist of the family. She even beats Yoruichi. But Yoruko is the devious one. And Soi'ichi is the one with a huge sense of responsibility.

13. Contrary to popular belief, Yoruko is the next Shihouin-sama. Yoruichi and Soi Fong only managed to get married three months before Yoruko's birth, so Soi'ichi is out of the running because she's illegitimate. Neither Yoruko nor Soi'ichi is happy with this situation.

14. Because she's going to be the next Shihouin-sama, Yoruko is the second division vice-captain. Her main job is to distract people to keep them from walking in on her parents.

15. The only person that she's ever completely failed with is Ise Nanao, who is the only person in the entire Gotei 13 who is more anal about getting her work done than Soi'ichi.

16. So when Ise Nanao became a captain, they gave her Soi'ichi as a vice-captain. It has worked amazingly well, and now Hinamori has a vice-captain she's not afraid of.

17. Yoruko's first words were "Don't touch me, pervert." She said them to Urahara Kisuke. She then turned into a cat and scampered off.

18. This was Yoruichi's first inkling that Yoruko was going to be trouble. Soi Fong couldn't have been prouder of her child calling Kisuke a pervert.

19. Yoruko still calls Kisuke pervert. In fact, she's never called him anything else.

20. Soi'ichi also calls Kisuke pervert, but that's only in the privacy of the bedroom.

21. Yoruko has walked in on them, too. Soi'ichi hit her with a frying pan for that one.

22. Two weeks later, Soi'ichi walked in on Yoruko and Kanaye, the eldest Kuchiki boy. Yoruko then hit Soi'ichi with a frying pan and made her a deal - if she didn't say anything about Kanaye, Yoruko wouldn't say anything about Kisuke.

23. Yoruichi has an inkling of who her elder daughters are sleeping with, but she's got the partners backwards. Soi Fong acts like she doesn't have a clue, but Yoruko has a sneaking suspicion that she knows more than she lets on.

24. Byakuya and Rukia also have no idea who their son is sleeping with. Yoruko and Kanaye don't think Rukia will care, but Byakuya is a different story. Byakuya is the only person who sort of scares Yoruko. Kanaye lives in constant fear of Yoruichi and Soi Fong. He prays to every god he knows of that if Yoruko gets pregnant, they won't kill him.

25. Both Soi'ichi and Yoruko found their bankai in less than three days. Now, they go spare against each other weekly, mainly to keep themselves from killing each other.

26. Yes, they really don't get along. Soi'ichi is very responsible, mature, calm, composed. Yoruko's favorite stunt is to play practical jokes on people, and she uses her cat form to escape from her responsibilities. If she's not up to something, she's planning something.

27. Yoruko keeps her clothes on, so she's always wearing something when she comes out of cat form. It's Riari nobody can keep clothes on.

28. Yoruko is the only one who can get clothes on Riari. Yoruichi helps occasionally, but it's Yoruko's talent.

29. She's also very good at stealing people's clothes. Much to Kanaye's chagrin.

30. Riari and Soi'ichi both have eyes between Yoruichi's and Soi Fong's, but Yoruko's eyes are just as yellow as Yoruichi's. She also has purple hair, but everybody thinks she looks more like Soi Fong.

31. Soi Fong is the one who helps Yoruko plan and occasionally execute her devious escapades. Yoruichi is well acquainted with Soi Fong's devious side.

32. Yoruichi is Kaasan, Soi Fong is Shikaasan. Kisuke tried to get Soi'ichi to call Soi Fong Otousan, but it didn't work, and Yoruko doesn't take any of his suggestions. She just hits him with something and yells "Pervert!" whenever he tries to talk to her. He hasn't met Riari yet.

33. Whenever Soi'ichi goes out with the other vice-captains, her parents' relationship comes up. Mainly, it's who's seme and who's uke. Most of them think that Yoruichi is dominant.

34. After several times, Soi'ichi complained to Yoruko about it. Yoruko then told her with a straight face that it was the other way around.

35. Soi'ichi has stopped going out with the other vice-captains.

36. Yoruko liked to call them Shikaasan-seme and Kaasan-uke. Yoruichi broke her of that habit very fast. It was more than slightly embarrassing when she called them that in front of Kuukaku.

37. She still calls them that occasionally, if just to see Yoruichi blush. Soi Fong thinks it's hilarious that Yoruko can get Yoruichi to blush so easily. It really should be the other way around.

38. Yoruichi finds Soi'ichi sense of responsibility endearing, as it reminds her of Soi Fong. She's also found out that Yoruko acts way too much like her, and really does enjoy blowing things up.

39. Especially the eighth division's paperwork. And that was the day Ise Nanao walked in on Soi Fong and Yoruichi. Ise is still recovering from the shock. Yoruko feels so sorry for her she's stopped blowing up her paperwork and has begun chasing down Kyoraku-taichou for her (and he is now VERY afraid of Yoruko and gets his paper work done on time).

40. Even though they're complete opposites and almost never get along, Soi'ichi and Yoruko are considered the best fighting pair in the Gotei-13. As a pair, they've never lost a fight. People are beginning to take bets on which one of them will be the next First Division Captain.

41. Neither of them wants the job.

42. When told about the betting pool, Yoruichi visibly shuddered at the thought of one of them in charge of the Gotei-13.

43. Both Yoruichi and Soi Fong think that Riari would be a better choice for Soutaichou. Even though she can't keep her clothes on.

44. Then Yoruko made a crack about what the uniforms (or the lack thereof) would look like.

45. And surprisingly, Soi'ichi actually _laughed _at that joke. So maybe she and Yoruko do get along. Just a little bit.


	2. No More, Please! We Beg of You!

1. People are still in shock from the revelation of Kenpachi and Soi Fong, let alone that they have children.

2. Soi Fong named their first child Ichiro, which surprised Kenpachi (who had something else in mind).

3. The next time she got pregnant, Kenpachi broached the subject of names with her before the child was born.

4. He was shocked to find that she planned to name this one 'Second'.

5. Kenpachi took over naming their children after that. And he happens to be much better at it than Soi Fong.

6. They now have Ichiro, Mika, Sumi, Akira, and Etsu.

7. There is a petition going around asking them to PLEASE stop having children. It currently has over 2,000 signatures.

8. Those 2,000 signatures include Shihouin Yoruichi, Madarame Ikkaku, almost every other captain and all of the vice-captains excluding Yachiru.

9. Soi Fong used to make Omaeda watch the children – who did everything imaginable to him. After Sumi's birth, he begged Yamamoto to put him into another division! Any division! And Omaeda got transferred to the eleventh division. He has since retired from being a shinigami.

10. Yamamoto is one of the captains who has not signed the petition. Unohana Retsu and Kuchiki Byakuya are the others – though why they haven't signed it is beyond everyone.

11. Yachiru loves her younger 'siblings'. Especially Etsu, who can draw. And uses said skill in ways that make Yachiru's drawings look like compliments.

12. Nobody ever goes after Etsu because A) Her parents are scary and B) Her siblings are scary and there's four of them.

13. Kurotsuchi Mayuri found this out the hard way when he tried to kidnap Etsu and make her a guinea pig in response to some of the (eerily correct) artwork she did about him and then distributed about the Gotei-13.

14. Needless to say, Yamamoto found himself needing a new twelfth division captain after that particular episode. He then came up with the rule that Etsu was NOT to be touched.

15. But the pictures stopped soon after a certain picture of Soi Fong and Kenpachi was drawn. Now Etsu is only allowed to draw pictures of plants and animals.

16. It was actually Mika who drew that picture. But it doesn't really matter. She only drew it on a dare from Sumi.

17. Yoruichi thought it would be funny to switch forms in front of Ichiro when he was fourteen. He took one look at her, took off his pants and shirt, gave them to her, and walked away.

18. Yoruichi had to stand there for five minutes to recover from shock. She then put the clothes on and went in search of Soi Fong, who wanted to know exactly what Yoruichi had done to her eldest son.

19. When Yoruichi told her exactly happened, Soi Fong couldn't stop laughing. It sounded exactly like Ichiro.

20. Yoruichi appearing in front of him naked is one of Ichiro's most cherished memories.

21. His most cherished memories also include when Mika pantsed Ikkaku

22. That's the reason Ikkaku signed the petition. Especially since Yumichika was right there, too.

23.Mika likes pantsing people. Before he retired, Omaeda was her favorite target.

24. She still pantses him occasionally, though he tries harder and harder not to be found. She's recently taken to using kidou to blow his pants off, especially in VERY public places.

25. Soi Fong can't keep a vice-captain because of her children, but it doesn't really bother her. She uses paperwork as a punishment, and her children are constantly getting into trouble.

26. Especially after she started teaching them kidou. She admits that probably wasn't her most brilliant plan.

27. After she started teaching them kidou, Kenpachi complained about the fact that now none of them could be in the eleventh division. They got into an argument over that.

28. Soi Fong got pregnant again that day.

29. Three months later when she could no longer hide it, the 46 and Yamamoto _finally_ signed the No More Children petition. Six children was enough.

30. Then they found out Soi Fong was pregnant with twins.

31. Kuchiki-taichou and Unohana-taichou still haven't signed that petition. People don't really wonder about Unohana-taichou, but they do wonder about Kuchiki-taichou.

32. Mika didn't start learning kidou from Soi Fong. She started learning it from Kuchiki-taichou. No one's quite figured that one out yet, and if they did, why would Kuchiki-taichou bother?

33. Mika's convinced he's trying to get Unohana-taichou to believe he'll be a good father. She even mentioned that fact to him one day.

34. She now has the distinction of being the only living person to have seen Kuchiki-taichou blush. But she hasn't mentioned that to anyone. She would probably die if she did.

35. None of the five of Soi Fong and Kenpachi's born children have been able to annoy Kuchiki-taichou or Unohana-taichou, though they have caused Kurotsuchi-taichou to have a complete mental breakdown and commit suicide.

36. No one's quite sure if Etsu did it on her own or if she had help. None of them are talking. And none of them includes Soi Fong and Kenpachi.

37. Kurotsuchi Mayuri was replaced with Urahara Kisuke…which means that Yoruichi came back, too. And they brought their kid with them. Their kid that's the same age as Sumi.

38. Sumi started spending lots of time in the twelfth division. It has something to do with Soi Fong being pregnant. And the fact that she likes spending time with Michiko (Kisuke and Yoruichi's daughter).

39. Yoruichi wasn't really bothered by this in the beginning, seeing as Sumi looks so innocent what with her honey-brown hair and blue-green eyes and the fact she's almost a perfect miniature of Soi Fong. Then she opened her mouth, and it was over.

40. Of all the children, Sumi acts the most like Kenpachi. It's actually kind of weird, because she's the only one who got the short gene from Soi Fong.

41. But she and Michiko go very well together – and the Gotei-13 have tried every trick in the book and then some to separate them so that there can be peace again. They have not succeeded.

42. They then decided that Akira, even though he's a boy and younger than them, could hang with them. They are currently working on making him a fluent cusser.

43. Yoruichi is no longer unbeaten at tag – with help from Sumi, Akira actually managed to beat her.

44. And she didn't go into shock, she just said something about the fact they were Soi Fong's kids and it should be expected of them.

45. Now the Gotei-13 is really not looking forward to when they go to the Shinigami Academy. And when they actually become shinigami. Though what makes most of them shit their pants is the fact that at least one of them is going to end up as a captain somewhere. Though one of them might actually manage as their mother's vice-captain.


	3. Kuchikisama, Your Children Are Odd

I'm BAAAAACK!!

Twice in one day...whew...this one's Byakuya x Rukia, and has characters from the Yoruichi x Soi Fong, because it just makes it easier on me if I group some of them together.

Bleach is still not mine...still don't have to deal with rabid fans.

By the end of this, I'm so gonna be a crack fairy.

1. In the end, only Byakuya was good enough for Rukia.

2. Yoruichi teased him about marrying his sister once, and then he blandly pointed out that she had children with another woman, so she couldn't say much. Besides, they're not actually related.

3. Kanaye had problems getting his head around this. Really, really big problems. And then Yoruko told him that all that really mattered was that they weren't related, and he should stop obsessing over it as it was really beginning to piss her off.

4. When she put it that way, Kanaye stopped caring.

5. Though Daisuke and Ryota have no idea how their parents are related – but for Ryota, it's not really surprising. He has no common sense.

6. So he gets along great with Urahara Kisuke. They can talk nonsense to each other for hours. And hours. And hours. And then Soi'ichi shows up with a frying pan.

7. "Kanaye, why are you hiding under the bed?"

"Your mother was chasing me around with a frying pan!"

"Which one – I have two."

"The short one!"

"Kanaye, they're both short. Be more specific."

"Fine, the shorter one!"

"Oh, Shikaasan? What did you do this time?"

"Why is it always my fault? Why can't it be her fault!? Or yours!?"

"Kanaye, don't change the subject."

"Well, it is your fault! You said you were only going to tell them you were pregnant, and not who by!"

"I didn't say who I was pregnant with!"

"Well, your Shikaasan knew it was me! How do you explain that!?"

"Huh. I think she's known this entire time."

8. Yoruko then went to dissuade Soi Fong from debraining Kanaye with a frying pan because who would she sleep with then – Omaeda?

9. Soi Fong did not find that funny, but she did find the expression on Kanaye's face when she threatened certain…sensitive parts of his anatomy if he ever even thought about hurting Yoruko.

10. It was probably not Yoruko and Kanaye's best plan to sleep together, as she's the next Shihouin-sama and he's the next Kuchiki-sama.

11. This means the child Yoruko is currently pregnant with could be both.

12. That poor child. Not only are Yoruko and Kanaye the parents, but look at the grandparents – Yoruichi, Soi Fong, Byakuya, and Rukia.

13. They had a girl, and named her Emi (which means smile).

14. She takes after her mother. A little too much.

15. Daisuke loves his niece. She's so cute, and she comes up with the most devious plans.

16. And then Soi Fong hit him with a frying pan and told him to stop encouraging her, as if she was really anything like Yoruko, she really wasn't going to need it. And she doesn't.

17. Their fears about Byakuya having a problem with their relationship were unfounded. But Rukia wasn't too happy. It had to do with Yoruko and underwear.

18. Yoruko apologized, and they immediately started planning on how to get certain members of the Gotei-13 that they both didn't like.

19. Daisuke, Ryota and Kanaye went and hid when Soi Fong decided she wanted to join the plotting session.

20. Daisuke is the one who can really do the 'stuck-up-and-no-emotions' face. And then Kanaye comes by and tickles him, and it's all over.

21. Kanaye then spends the rest of the day getting chased around the Seireitei, and some of the Rukongai.

22. Daisuke has never caught him. And that has something to that Kanaye runs from Yoruko. Or Yoruko runs from Kanaye. Something like that.

23. Even her own children make fun of Rukia's drawing skills.

24. And then Rukia decided they could all draw the pictures she needed.

25. Rukia is the best artist in the family, which includes Byakuya, who uses stick-figures. Whether this is out of laziness or sheer lack of talent, only Byakuya knows.

26. Yoruko once told Kanaye that as the next Kuchiki-sama, he had to grow his hair out so he could put those funny hair-curler things in it.

27. Yes, Yoruko actually did call them 'those funny hair-curler things'. And Byakuya was in the room, too.

28. As soon as Byakuya left the room, Yoruko went on to note that they would be fun to rip out during sex.

29. Kanaye went and had his hair cut as soon as Yoruko left. He keeps his hair too short to put the kenseiken in it. Byakuya hasn't said anything – especially as he heard Yoruko's sex comment.

30. Both Daisuke and Ryota have long hair. Well, not really Ryota, who's your typical lazy genius. Then Byakuya got mad at the state of his hair one day and took it all off with Senbonzakura.

31. Ryota now takes much better care of his hair (and is growing it out again).

32. Between them, Daisuke and Byakuya spend eight hours a day on their hair.

33. This does not count for obsessing over it.

34. Kanaye once made the comment that his otousan obsessed over his hair more than Zaraki-taichou.

35. Byakuya then made the comment that as Kanaye was the male in his relationship with Yoruko, shouldn't he wear the pants?

36. Kanaye has not insulted Byakuya since.

37. And Byakuya has not insulted Kanaye since, as soon as he left the room, he ran into Yoruko, who said, "Like father, like son."

38. Byakuya has NEVER mentioned that conversation to Rukia.

39. But he has tried to get the pants back. And just about succeeded, too.

40. Ryota didn't understand either of the pants conversations. He still doesn't get it.

41. He doesn't get where babies come from, either, though everyone from Kisuke to Kuukaku to Yoruichi to Soi'ichi to even Yachiru.

42. He does know about blowing things up, though, so he was simply put in the Twelfth Division.

43. Even his new captain can't get him to understand what sex is.

44. And then he catches his parents at it. It takes him a couple of seconds to actually figure out what they're doing.

45. Ryota was not at all scarred by walking in on his parents. Though Daisuke was scarred when Ryota told him about it.


	4. But We Thought Yumichika Was Gay

Yes, this is Yumichika and Soi Fong...Didn't I tell you people I was a crack fairy?

Anyway...I've dropped the rating down because, well, frankly, I was being over-cautious. If you don't agree with me, flame me. I'll flame you back. And it might devolve into a flame-war, which would give me something to do for once.

I'm blaming this one on Enkou, who wrote a 'Twenty Things About...' for Yumichika and Soi Fong, and thereby introduced me to this pairing.

And if you're asking, yes, I am so totally doing a Yoruichi&Byakuya one, and I have a thing for using a frying pan as a weapon, and it just seems to fit Soi Fong. If anybody ever draws a picture of Soi Fong brandishing a frying pan, it will SO become my background!

1. Everyone seriously thought it was a joke when Yamamoto-soutaichou announced that Soi Fong-taichou was pregnant.

2. After she thoroughly decimated everyone who had the guts to laugh in her presence or tell her it was a really good joke did people start figuring out that it really wasn't a joke.

3. And then everyone wanted to know who the father was.

4. Soi Fong refused to say anything, and so the betting began. There were bets on everybody.

5. Except the real father. Soi Fong found this highly amusing, but refused to place a bet on him.

6. So Yumichika placed a bet on himself when no one was looking or too drunk to remember that he did. Everyone who then saw that someone had placed a bet on him laughed hysterically, but not in front of Soi Fong. They didn't want her to know about their betting pool, even though she already did.

7. Soi Fong found this even more highly amusing than the fact there was a betting pool. And it meant that she got all the silence she wanted.

8. So when the baby was born, everyone was shocked.

9. It's not like no one could figure out who the father was after they saw the baby.

10. Who knew that freaky eyebrow was genetic!?

11. Everybody wanted to know why the child was named Kumo (which means cloud). As nobody had the guts to ask Soi Fong, they asked Yumichika, who gave them his usual brilliant trademark smile.

12. Yoruichi got quite tired of this and went and asked Soi Fong why she had named her kid Kumo. She was awarded with a remarkably bright blush.

13. Yoruichi has never brought up the subject again, and when it does come up in a conversation, she very delicately changes the subject. Or she hopes she's very delicately changing the subject. Yoruichi is not very good at being subtle.

14. Yumichika, after he collected his winnings, used that money to throw a gigantic drunken party, mainly so that people wouldn't accuse him of cheating.

15. And there was ANOTHER betting pool, this one concerned with who would get pregnant at Soi Fong and Yumichika's party.

16. Most of the bets were on Yumichika and Soi Fong, as a couple, and a large portion of the remainder were on Yoruichi with various people.

17. No one actually won that betting pool, because even though lots of people chose the right person to get pregnant (Yoruichi) no one chose the right partner (Byakuya).

18. Soi Fong was actually quite happy with the news as now everybody had something else to talk about.

19. Especially as she had better things to be dealing with (like Kumo) than people walking in and asking her about her relationship with Yumichika. What was it like to be the masculine one in the relationship?

20. The Second Division began spending a lot more money on pens during that time period. So much more that Yamamoto demanded an explanation.

21. After he got his explanation, he (very wisely) gave more funds to the Second Division. He also sends Soi Fong ten new pens a week, and occasionally something for Kumo.

22. Kumo grows up in the Second Division office, pretty much. If she's not in the Second Division office, she's either in the Eleventh Division with her otousan, Uncle Kenpachi, Uncle Ikkaku, and Yachiru-chan, or off with her mother somewhere.

23. The only thing that matters is that Kumo can already hold her own against a huge portion of the shinigami, and is getting better.

24. Soi Fong and Yumichika have had several arguments over which division their daughter will join.

25. When she was little, Kumo would just sit there listening with her head cocked (Soi Fong and Yumichika have no idea that fighting in front of their child might scar her for life, and even if they did, they wouldn't care). As she got older, she had less and less patience with the arguments, so she finally told them that if they didn't stop trying to plan her future, she was going to join the FOURTH DIVISION!

26. Soi Fong and Yumichika then decided that Kumo was very able to choose her own division.

27. Kumo is very good at both her father's brilliant smile and her mother's detached mask (and even better at putting them together).

28. So nobody ever knows what she's thinking.

30. Which is a good thing, as Kumo's thoughts are usually related to how fast she can beat someone, or she's insulting someone in her head. Or thinking about other things that most people would concur that a child of her age – even though she's rapidly approaching the end of her childhood – should not be thinking about.

31. There was some discussion over whether or not Kumo would go to the Shinigami Academy, but seeing as she hardly had any friends (let alone any her own age, save for Yoruichi and Byakuya's eldest boy, who was really not a good influence) they decided they would send her to the Academy.

32. They were not expecting her to pull a complete Soi Fong and almost completely ignore her peers.

33. Or for her to drive a few (oh, only about ten) of her teachers absolutely clinically bonkers.

34. A few made it through her façade (a very small few), and were quite shocked to find that Kumo had pulled almost all of the pranks in the past year or so.

35. Kumo's explanation was that she'd been bored. She'd learned all the stuff they were trying to teach her when she was a baby, and there wasn't even anyone decent to spar with.

36. When they said that it sounded like Kumo was going to join the Eleventh Division, she laughed at them and told them that there was no way, that was the division her dad was in. And besides, she's very good at kidou, too.

37. Actually, Kumo joins the Tenth Division, and then proceeds to (very quickly) become a seated officer.

38. And then Soi Fong lost all patience with Omaeda and thwacked him with a frying pan...a thwack that sent him flying through a wall.

39. Omaeda is demoted and sent to another division (where he gets sent through another wall) and Kumo is sent to her mother as a vice-captain.

40. Neither of them really minds the situation, and Yumichika finds it nice, as now both of his girls are in the same place again.

41. He mentioned this to Soi Fong once, and she raised one eyebrow and asked him if he really wanted to refer to _her_ as a girl.

42. Kumo really did not want to walk in on the response to that. Too bad she did though.

43. Kumo has always wondered why she's an only child. So after that particular episode, she asked why.

44. Soi Fong said something along the lines of the fact that the sex talk was really, really awkward and she didn't want to do it again.

45. Yumichika is confused. He wasn't there for that episode. But Kumo was. And it was awkward, especially as Omaeda walked in on the middle of it. Though Omaeda doesn't remember it. Soi Fong is absolutely deadly with a frying pan.


	5. Was I Made On the Sixth Division Desk?

Look at me! I'm writing Yoruichi&Byakuya!!

If you like Renji, be forewarned that this contains lots of Renji scarring. I'm serious. Whether or not it has Soi Fong brandishing a frying pan, I don't know yet. I haven't written it. But it might! I mean, me plus Soi Fong plus crack story usually equals Soi Fong brandishing a frying pan.

For all you people who review, thank you! I feel like I've accomplished…nothing. Nope. Not a thing. But reviews make me feel better. And tell me there are people who just might (but probably don't) think like me.

And now this is the big part – THANK GOD FOR ALL OF YOU PEOPLE WHO WRITE CRACK PAIRINGS!!! You give me inspiration and ideas on who to put together. And occasionally give me ideas on what to write in the story. And now…ONWARDS!!!

1. Yoruichi got pregnant at the huge drunken party that Yumichika threw after everyone figured out that yes, it had been Yumichika who impregnated Soi Fong.

2. It was slightly disconcerting waking up in Byakuya's arms, not quite sure how she got there (and for a couple of seconds, who he was) but after a few moments, she decided she definitely liked it, snuggled even deeper in his arms, and went back to sleep.

3. She awoke three hours later to a Byakuya who was in shock. The fact he was having his first hang-over probably didn't help.

4. After she managed to calm him down (and cuddle against him again – he was so warm!), it really wasn't so bad.

5. Especially as he wanted a repeat. And luckily for them and Renji, Renji was too hung-over himself to wonder why his captain was late or where his captain was.

6. Yoruichi rather did enjoy telling Byakuya she was pregnant. The look on his face was PRICELESS.

7. As was the look on Renji's face when he walked in on them. And Byakuya didn't stop.

8. Yoruichi had never figured Renji for a serious prude. He was worse than _Ichigo_.

9. Renji holed himself up in his room for the rest of the day, rocking himself back and forth, back and forth, trying to convince himself it was just a dream.

10. It didn't take very long for their relationship (and Yoruichi's condition) to get out.

11. But when you take into account how Yoruichi behaves, it really isn't that surprising.

12. That and the fact she was even more horny than usual while pregnant.

13. Though the fact she was constantly searching out Byakuya led to her finding out one very important thing: Byakuya was an absolute _sucker_ for office sex.

14. Especially if it was Renji's desk they were defiling.

15. Though Yoruichi was slightly disappointed that Renji never walked in on them during those episodes. But it was still office sex.

16. Yoruichi occasionally asks Renji how the milk stains on his desk are doing (milk and semen are the same word in Japanese), and is always perversely amused that he never realizes just what kind of milk it is.

17. She was so amused by this she almost wanted to name their son Renji, except when she told Byakuya this, he got a look on his face that told her that hadn't been a good plan. Or maybe it had been, she thought later (much later).

18. They named him Akihiro instead. And neither ever mentioned Renji as a name for their children ever again.

19. Akihiro really liked his Uncle Renji, especially when his kaasan walked in half-naked and Uncle Renji went fuchsia. A remarkably bright fuchsia.

20. When Yumichika and Soi Fong (finally!) got married (Kumo was only three), there was a dice game (and so much sake that Kyouraku-taichou wept at the sight of it).

21. At that dice game (Akihiro was at home sleeping, being watched over by some poor sap who had also gotten stuck with Kumo), Byakuya played against Yoruichi and won. He told her he wanted her underwear.

22. When she went to take it off to give it to him (Renji's eyes huge in his face), he told her she could keep it on, but she needed to remember it was _his_ underwear now, so when he ripped it off later, she couldn't get mad at him.

23. Renji promptly went into shock and fell out of his chair. Kotetsu Isane, concerned, went in search of her captain, who was currently occupied with Urahara Kisuke.

24. So she simply went back, sat down next to Renji (who had by then been moved to a remote corner of the room), and wrapped her arms around him.

25. Yoruichi later congratulated Byakuya for _finally_ getting them together. Byakuya grunted. Yoruichi (by then quite used to his grunts) simply put her arm in his and they went to get Akihiro.

26. They found Soi Fong chasing around some people with a frying pan along the way.

27. Yoruichi had to borrow the frying pan and use it as the people Soi Fong had been chasing around with a frying pan had been trying to kidnap Akihiro and Kumo for their own nefarious purposes.

28. Akihiro (who was probably spending too much time with Kumo) had managed to blast one of them with a form of 'baby-kidou' and was currently conked out in a corner. Kumo was still prancing around waving a frying pan of her own. She somehow managed to hit herself in the head with the frying pan and knock herself out (hey, she was only three and waving around a FRYING PAN)

29. By the way, Yoruichi and Byakuya eloped before Akihiro was born. Byakuya went to a clan elders meeting and sat there very quietly for most of it, and then at the end said very casually, "I married Yoruichi yesterday and she's pregnant." And then got up and left.

30. The clan elders were not amused. Most of them did that anime fall and were going to berate him when they recovered, but by then he'd already gone home to Yoruichi.

31. They weren't so sure they wanted to follow him. So he escaped.

32. Because the next time, he brought Yoruichi with him. She found it highly boring (like the ones with the Shihouin) and after about five minutes, fell asleep with her head on his lap.

33. They also started bringing Akihiro after he was born.

34. They stopped bringing Akihiro when he was about six. He'd taken to hitting the elders with a frying pan. Something he'd picked up from Kumo.

35. Kumo and Akihiro spend almost their entire childhoods together – hitting people with frying pans, exploring the Seireitei (and huge portions of the Rukongai), putting frogs (yes, there are frogs in the Soul Society) in Ise-san's desk…

36. Unlike Soi Fong, Yoruichi didn't find the sex talk inanely awkward, so when Akihiro went off to the Shinigami Academy, they had another one. Akihiro accused them of replacing him. Yoruichi just shrugged and said she'd been trying to get pregnant for a long time now.

37. But all of that hard work wasn't for nothing! They had triplets.

38. Akihiro thought it was hilarious, until they started making him change diapers. Why they named his sister Kaori when she made the most hideous smells was beyond him. When he told Kumo this, she laughed at him and said, "All shit stinks, baka."

39. And he had to admit that she didn't pee on him like their brothers. It burned, and he could swear that Noburo deliberately aimed for his eyes.

40. Kumo found that suggestion funny, too. So he told her that she could change them, and she did. She didn't get peed on by any of them, and she wasn't fazed by the smells, either.

41. Akihiro didn't talk to her for about a week, and then she destroyed a good portion of the Shinigami Academy. So he decided that it was better for everyone's health if he just sucked it up and got over the fact that she was a girl…and had maternal instincts…Akihiro smacked himself in the head.

42. And then he went and changed Tadashi's diaper and managed not to get peed on. He was very proud of himself.

43. He also managed not to get put in his father's division. He was going to join the Tenth with Kumo, but he was told he couldn't, so joined the Ninth. They were close, weren't they?

44. And he didn't have to change diapers anymore! Though he did have to run after the triplets…whom his mother, for some odd reason, had taught how to shunpo. He was not amused. His father mentioned something about him doing this when he was small as well. But he had Kumo to make matters even worse – though that meant two sets of parents chasing around the devious toddlers.

45. He was just very glad he hadn't been suckered into teaching at the Shinigami Academy when the triplets got there.

YES!!! I got in Soi Fong with a frying pan! I am successful!

So I don't know what couple/pairing/whatever is coming up next. A few I hadn't thought about got mentioned to me, and I've been thinking about them and realizing what kinds of fun idiocy I can do with them, which makes me happy.

So until next time, review…ish.


	6. Wait, Who's the Father Again?

You know who you are! This is all your fault!

Yeah…it isn't as funny as the last ones. It's actually much more serious and scary. I had fun with the beginning, though. A little too much fun. And Sumi comes back.

I haven't been updating recently because I've been working like twelve hour days and working on original stuff. But I'm about to start college so I'm going to have a bunch more free time. And nothing to do.

Anyways, be afraid. As usual.

1. It was actually Unohana-taichou that broke the news about Hinamori Momo being pregnant.

2. Everybody (except for Momo herself and about two or three other people) thought that Aizen was the father.

3. Yamamoto went in that group. He was not amused by the fact that Momo was (supposedly) pregnant with Aizen's baby.

4. It was a big shock to Momo that everyone thought she was pregnant with Aizen's baby.

5. It was also a big shock to one Matsumoto Rangiku, who sat there for five seconds after she got the news, and then started laughing and talking about how it was a very good joke.

6. And when she realized they weren't joking, she got very, very pissed and beat them black and blue.

7. But unfortunately, Soi Fong wouldn't let Rangiku use her frying pan, so she had to improvise and use a serving platter. (Soi Fong is very protective of her frying pan. Very, very protective. Don't even bother asking)

8. Yamamoto then calls her into his office to explain.

9. She brings Momo with her, and makes Momo explain that it's not Aizen's baby, it's Gin's baby, dammit!

10. "But," Yamamoto finally manages to sputter out after a full minute (yes, an entire minute – Rangiku was keeping a careful eye on the clock), "I thought it was you and Gin!"

Rangiku sighs and looks straight at Yamamoto. "He's my _brother_," she informs him coolly.

"WHAT!?"

"I thought the family resemblance gave it away," Momo put in unhelpfully (for Yamamoto, at least).

"I did too," Rangiku conceded, "But Shiro-chan tells me that we don't look a thing alike."

Yamamoto fainted right about then. And so Rangiku went to get Unohana-taichou, but she couldn't let Momo strain herself in her delicate condition.

11. Momo thought it was very nice of her, but did she really have to leave her all alone in a room with a passed out Yamamoto?

12. Especially as when Yamamoto's fukutaichou (who nobody seemed to know the name of, except maybe Soi Fong, but who was going to ask Soi Fong when she had that scary frying pan?) walked by and thought that Momo was trying to kill his taichou and run off and join Aizen and have lots and lots of little Aizens.

13. Momo just stares at him while he goes off on his thirty-minute rant about how she was all sorts of horrible things (she was trying her best not to fall asleep).

14. Luckily, Rangiku shows up with Unohana in the middle of his rant.

15. Well, luckily for Momo, anyway. Rangiku had taken to carrying around her serving platter by that point, she'd had to beat so many people with it.

16. She broke it over that guy's head, and then asked Unohana what his name was. Unohana didn't know, she shrugged and went back to figuring out what was wrong with Yamamoto.

17. And then they told her why he'd fainted, and she conked out, too. Rangiku and Momo decided that would be a good time to leave the room and act like they had no idea what was going on.

18. Momo just sort of named the kid Gin and left it at that.

19. The fact he had silver hair really, really helped. That and he had the same color eyes as his father.

20. But a lot of people still think he's Aizen's kid.

21. It probably has to do with the fact he wears glasses and never smiles. He never, ever smiles.

22. Rangiku says her nephew is making up for all the smiling his father did.

23. Hinamori Gin is rather serious and blunt.

24. He has few friends (mainly because he tells you what he thinks of you and doesn't give a rat's ass what you think about his opinions of you) and cares little that he has so few, the few he has are all he needs.

25. Or so he maintains. Quite well, in fact.

26. Though everyone does seem to ask him what he thinks about them, as they know he'll give a straight answer.

27. A straight answer they don't like. Nobody ever likes his answers, and some of them (a good portion) go away crying.

28. And then he meets Zaraki (or is it Fong? She's introduced herself as both) Sumi, who asks what he thinks.

29. "Short and over-violently to make up for the fact you're short, a complete troublemaker that will probably amount to nothing more than a troublemaker."

30. Fong (Zaraki?) Sumi thought over what he said for about a couple of seconds, then grunted and said, "That sounds about right, doesn't it?"

31. Gin just sort of sat there and was shocked. It took both his aunt and his mother to snap him out of his shock.

32. He very carefully avoided Whatever-her-surname-is Sumi for a good while following that episode (he also, by extension Urahara Michiko and Sumi's brother Akira).

33. When he became a shinigami, he joined the Fourth Division because he's really not interested in being a shinigami, and people don't randomly meander into the Fourth Division to annoy him.

34. Except for Fong-Zaraki Sumi. Apparently she has nothing better to do than to come stand around and watch him work.

35. He once snapped at her and told her to go do her paperwork, and she laughed at him.

36. "Aw, come on, Hinamori-san, nobody in the Eleventh does paperwork!" Sumi told him with a grin.

"And Yamamoto never says anything?" Gin asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Oh, he can say whatever he wants," Sumi said dismissively, "Ain't nobody listening."

Gin sighed and went back to what he was doing. He'd given up correcting her long ago.

37. When Sumi's gone, Gin doesn't miss her one bit. Instead, he uses the silence to muse and read and ignore everyone else around him, including his mother (who worries about him desperately. She doesn't have much else better to do)

38. If everybody in the Soul Society disappeared, Gin would be just fine. He doesn't like people anyway.

39. He thinks he might miss his mother. She is his mother, after all. And just about his only family, too.

40. He will NOT miss his aunt. Do you have ANY idea how hard it is too breath in all of that cleavage!?

41. Gin prefers his women with small breasts because of this. Though most people seem to think he prefers male companionship. But Gin wasn't aware of that.

42. So when a couple of drunk Eleventh Division members started taunting him about it, he kicked their asses. Thoroughly.

43. Sumi found that amazingly hilarious, even though they were from her own division.

44. Gin left Sumi to kicking them and making fun of them and telling them that they'd learned to never judge somebody's strength by what division they were in to go back to his division.

45. Silence. There was always silence in the Fourth Division when he needed it.


	7. This Required Far Too Much Alcohol

I am now officially a crack fairy…and yes, this is Soi Fong and Hanatarou (pauvre Hanatarou!)

For SamL CameL, you are my background. For vexedfusion, it's my pick-me-up and my inspiration. For the rest of you fools it's http://animecamel. and http://vexedfusion. And yes, they make me happy. They make me go right more crack. I did try to make the second one my background, but it was too big. And I'm so happy she hit Omaeda. I am not an Omaeda fan.

For you people who review, you give me a reason to keep writing, though I'm accomplishing nothing. Though I did try to post the first chapter for the YoruSoi community on livejournal but it doesn't love me so I've given up and no longer care.

I can't really ever see this couple ever working in actuality. They're too different.

1. Soi Fong's first problem was not that she was in bed with some pathetic idiot from the Fourth Division, it was how she managed to get there.

2. Hanatarou's problem was quite the opposite. He was waking up in bed naked with _Soi Fong_ and she was going to kill him in a very painful manner.

3. He was just trying to figure out if he could get away if he left his clothes (he'd already had to run around the Seireitei naked) when Soi Fong asked him exactly how much alcohol she'd consumed.

4. She wasn't really asking him, she was just musing out loud, but she didn't really mind when he pointed out that she'd been involved in a drinking game with Kyouraku-taichou.

5. "Well, that explains it," Soi Fong said thoughtfully. She then got up and went searching for her clothes.

6. Hanatarou knew he should've looked away, but he couldn't. Even when she noticed, he didn't look away.

7. Considering the fact that she was probably the first naked woman he'd seen, Soi Fong let it slide and went back to getting dressed.

8. Hanatarou managed to get out of Soi Fong's quarters alive, in one piece, and with all of his clothes.

9. He's still not sure how that happened, but he doesn't question it. He's simply glad it happened.

10. Especially as she tried to kill him about a month later, out in the woods, screaming something about him getting her pregnant.

11. Hanatarou managed to get her to calm down and convince her that it was not the end of the world, now she had somebody to teach everything she knows.

12. She still tried to kill him as she left, though. He cowered behind some trees until she left and took the frying pan with her (he's still surprised she attacked him with a frying pan, why not just use her zanpakutou on him?).

13. Hanatarou has never actually met their children, he's too afraid to go near Soi Fong after that frying pan episode.

14. Yes, _children_, plural. Soi Fong had twins. A boy and a girl. Kyo and Ume.

15. Yoruichi thinks they're adorable. She comes often to play with them, and to try to figure out who the father is. She has yet to be successful in the latter attempt.

16. Most people actually think they're adorable, including Kusajishi Yachiru. Soi Fong doesn't think this is a good thing, as it means Yachiru spends a huge amount of time with her children.

17. And because Yachiru is there, somebody else from the Eleventh Division is also there, helping Yachiru influence them in some nefarious manner.

18. The twins really like her pictures, though. Those pictures keep them happy and quiet for hours so that Soi Fong can actually get paperwork done.

19. After the twins were born, the Second Division fell about three months behind in their paperwork, actually more due to the fact that Omaeda was incapable of doing paperwork than Soi Fong being unable to do her fair share of paperwork.

20. Oh yes, Soi Fong did all the paperwork in the Second Division, but as she now had to take care of two children by herself, she couldn't do her paperwork and her vice-captain's as well.

21. Neither of the twins likes Omaeda, and he has complained about it to Soi Fong, who has taken to replying, "Maybe if you weren't such a lazy fat ass they'd like you better." And then kicking him through something, which makes the twins giggle.

22. And yes, Soi Fong has noticed this. It's probably why she does it so much.

23. Ume is very content to sit in her mother's office and play quietly. Kyo is not, but that doesn't matter one bit. He's very content to do what Ume tells him so that A) Kaasan doesn't get angry and B) Ume doesn't get angry.

24. You really don't want to face down an angry Soi Fong and an angry Ume. Ask Kyo. He's done it.

25. When Kyo finally does convince Ume to leave their mother's office, they usually go to the Eleventh Division to see Yachiru.

26. Where they get fighting lessons. Kyo is good with a sword, Ume prefers fist and feet.

27. As in, you really, really don't want to get hit by Ume.

28. As she's fast, too. As in you will not see her coming. You will at least see Kyo charging at you. And then you'll be bleeding and staring at the sky.

29. Unless he loses his balance. He's very clumsy. Which is kind of odd, because he's only like 5'2''.

30. Ume rubs the fact that's he's 5'2" into his face because she's 5'21/2". And that half-inch gets more attention than anything else in their home.

31. Yoruichi (who moved in sometime during their childhood when neither they nor Soi Fong was looking and hasn't left) finds this slightly amusing but never says anything because they're both taller than she is.

32. Somebody once told Kyo and Ume that they didn't have a father but that their mother had them with Yoruichi.

33. And even though this somebody was an entire foot taller than them (for the most part), he stilled got kicked in the face by Kyo. Ume aimed slightly lower…let's just say that Ume's kick was more effective.

34. Just for the record, what their mother does with her love life is HER concern, and as long as she's happy, they're happy.

35. Which means, making Soi Fong unhappy in any sort of manner is not good for your health, and highly painful. You will wake up in the Fourth Division.

36. And their father will probably be the one tending to your wounds.

37. When the twins were thirteen(ish), Hanatarou finally got enough nerve to meet them.

38. Kyo tackled him with a cry of "Otousan!" Ume was too busy reading manga under Omaeda's desk (Omaeda being in the Fourth Division after getting kicked through a couple of walls) to come help Kyo tackle him.

39. But as soon as she realized what was going on, she came to help him. Soi Fong was too busy actually managing to get Yoruichi (who was not her lover, thank you very much) to stop living in the kitchen pantry.

40. But when Kyo and Ume brought her Hanatarou (who was by now panicking to the extreme), she simply raised an eyebrow, said thank you, and sent them on their way.

41. The talk she was going to have with Hanatarou was not one they needed to hear, but as soon as they left, he started hyperventilating and hiding and begging her not to hit him with her frying pan.

42. It only took her about an hour to get him to stop hiding and actually speak to her. Or rather, let her speak to him, as he was far too afraid to say anything as they were sitting in a kitchen and there were lots of frying pans handy (but not Soi Fong's frying pan. She has a special on she hits everyone with).

43. Neither Kyo nor Ume really wants to know why their otousan only comes to visit their kaasan at night. They don't really care.

44. That and Yoruichi gave them the sex talk when they were like nine and totally freaked them out.

45. So they paid her back. By letting her walk in on their parents. Which means that she got smacked with a frying pan.


	8. Interlude: Soi Fon's Bankai

So I'm taking some time off...this should hold off the angry mob until I'm done with the next one...which, YES, I have started.

I would very happily like to announce that more people have read my first chapter than there are words in the first chapter...why so few people get past it is beyond me, if you must know. I think that's the best one. Probably because those characters are the most defined in my head. :)

Anyway, have fun with this. I blame SamL CameL. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!

If you really want to see a crack/rare pairing very badly, write me a story or draw me a picture or ask me for it. Though the first two options will probably get you it faster, as it gives me stuff to work with and think about.

"Hey, Soi Fon, if you're a captain, doesn't that mean you can bankai?" Yoruichi asked her former student mischievously.

"Yes, Yoruichi-sama," Soi Fon replied, afraid of where the conversation was going.

"I don't think I've ever seen you use it," Yoruichi said, stretching. Soi Fon raised an eyebrow in query. "Can you show me your bankai?" Yoruichi asked with a cute little pout.

"No, Yoruichi-sama, I can't. Bankai are for combat situations only," Soi Fon told her, knowing it wouldn't be enough to put Yoruichi off.

"Please?" Yoruichi prodded, adding a little wobble to her pout. Soi Fon pointedly looked anywhere but at Yoruichi, trying to put off the inevitable, wisely not saying anything. "Please, Soi-chan?" Yoruichi asked, putting her face right in front of Soi Fon's.

Soi Fon felt like she was dealing with an overly spoiled child who wouldn't stop until they got what they wanted, so Soi Fon gave in. "Fine," she muttered, angry at Yoruichi for being able to do this to her, "Bankai."

Yoruichi sat there and stared at it for a few seconds. "That's your bankai?" she asked, incredulous.

"Yes," Soi Fon said, eyebrow twitching.

"It's a giant frying pan," Yoruichi protested.

"I know," Soi Fon replied, the twitch in her eyebrow becoming more pronounced, though Yoruichi was oblivious to that.

"So what do you do with it, make giant omelets?" Yoruichi asked, a grin curling at the corners of her mouth.

"Not for my enemies, no," Soi Fon informed her, eyebrow twitching so fast one could no longer keep up with it.

Yoruichi had to stifle a laugh at that, but Soi Fon noticed. "So, what do you do to your enemies with it?" Yoruichi asked, her grin becoming more pro –

THWACK!!!!

"That," Soi Fon told the now-unconscious Yoruichi, who had met the wrath of Soi Fon's bankai.

Moral of the story: Just because it looks stupid and doesn't make sense doesn't mean you actually want to fight against it.


	9. My Kaasan IS My Otousan

Blaming this one on bleachrules1314. Since you decided to complain, here you go. Told you I wasn't done yet, didn't I? (beats bleachrules1314 with frying pan for good measure)

So, moving on, this is Hichigo and Ichigo…poor Ichigo…no seriously, think about what their children are going to be like.

This one isn't as great a crack as the last one, but I think I was the first person to think that crack up.

ONWARDS!!!

1. "Ichigo!" Yuzu cried as she banged on the bathroom door, "You've been in there for hours! What are you doing?"

"Um, just a minute, Yuzu!" Ichigo yelled back. Pink means…ah, shit. He was going to blitz that damn hollow.

2. Right about then Yuzu figured out that in his state of panic, Ichigo had forgotten to lock the door, barged in, and wanted to know what he was doing with a positive pregnancy test.

3. It was a very embarrassing explanation to his family what was going on followed by a very awkward silence.

4. Isshin broke it by rushing over to his wife's memorial poster and saying, "Our son's going to be a mommy, Masaki! Isn't that wonderful!"

5. Needless to say, Karin, Yuzu, and Ichigo were all slightly disturbed. "I'm having a baby as a guy and you're excited! Don't you find this weird!?" Ichigo exclaimed.

"Happens all the time in the Soul Society, or didn't you know?" Isshin said diffidently, "Must be my amazing shinigami genes!"

"This is all your fault!" Ichigo shouted as he went after his father.

"Ichigo, all of this excitement isn't good for the baby!" Isshin exclaimed, trying to calm his son down.

6. That didn't help.

7. In fact, the fight only ended when Karin hit them both with a frying pan, shouting obscenities, with Yuzu cowering a corner.

8. It was a good thing that Ichigo was done with high school (or whatever it's called in Japan), as he spent the next nine months hiding in the Seireitei.

9. This included lots of running away from Kenpachi, who was convinced that Ichigo was still a good victim.

10. This resulted in Ichigo hiding in the Seireitei.

11. This also resulted in Ichigo finding out why you DO NOT piss off the Fourth Division captain.

12. He didn't feel so sorry for Kenpachi, though. But it did end Kenpachi chasing him around.

13. Though all of a sudden, Yumichika thought that Ichigo was like his best friend or something.

14. And so Ichigo spent the latter half of his pregnancy hiding from Yumichika.

15. And that's why Ichigo spent his pregnancy _hiding_ in the Seireitei.

16. To top things off, he had a little _girl_.

17. Hichigo wouldn't have let that one go, except for the fact that Ichigo pointed out that A) It was his stupid X-chromosome and B) It was HIS daughter, too.

18. That shut Hichigo up.

19. And then he asked what Ichigo was planning to name the kid. And they got into an argument over that.

20. The Fourth Division was so totally freaked out, so they sedated Ichigo.

21. So Ichigo let Yuzu name his daughter…Junko…

22. "You named my kid _pure child_!?" Ichigo howled.

"You said I could name her anything I wanted…and she's so cute!" Yuzu told him, tickling her niece's feet.

"She's a half-Hollow! She's physically incapable of being cute!" Ichigo shot back.

Yuzu then hit Ichigo on the head and said "Ichigo! Don't talk about your daughter like that!"

23. So Ichigo took Junko back to the Soul Society (as she was born there, she doesn't actually have a body) and hoped that somebody would take care of her so he could ignore her.

24. Junko has spiky white hair and yellow eyes…but with normal pupils and stuff. And, surprisingly, she looks a lot like Ichigo. Amazing, isn't it?

25. Most of the Gotei-13 disagrees with Ichigo – they think that Junko is very cute, no matter what Ichigo says.

26. They all think that he says that because he's still put-off that he got pregnant.

27. She really is cute, especially as she seems to be always smiling. Like Ichigo used to smile before his mother died.

28. For lack of something better to call him, Junko calls Ichigo Otousan, even though he's really both Otousan and Kaasan.

29. So every once and awhile, Junko calls him Kaasan, much to everyone else's mirth.

30. She especially calls him Kaasan when Hichigo has taken over.

31. Hichigo is not highly amused by this, but Ichigo is. And so is Zangetsu. They spend hours standing around pointing and laughing at Hichigo.

32. Ichigo really should've kept a closer eye on his daughter…or somebody should have, as Junko decided she wants to befriend Soi Fon, captain of the Second Division.

33. And she managed to succeed!

34. For Christmas, Soi Fon gave Junko a frying pan. It was Junko's favorite present.

35. Ichigo had to go berate Soi Fon for giving his child a frying pan after she hit several people with it, but he walked in when Soi Fon was giving Junko lessons on how to use her frying pan effectively and got smacked in the head by his own kid.

36. Soi Fon thought it was adorable.

37. Ichigo had a few choice words to say about his daughter's choice of friends later and in private.

38. "It's not like you can say much, Ichigo," Rukia countered, "You left her here, in the Seireitei. Who's she supposed to befriend? The only other kid here is Yachiru."

39. Ichigo had nothing more to say on the subject.

40. But he did become a slightly more responsible father, spending more time with his daughter, who liked spending time with her Otousan.

41. And then Yoruichi showed up to meet his kid. Ichigo was sure that this wasn't going to go anywhere good.

42. Junko is actually quite nice, considering who's been influencing her for the majority of her short life.

43. She really likes learning how to fight, and the Eleventh Division really likes to indulge her.

44. Yachiru has even told her that she can use Ken-chan's other shoulder. But that's probably a good thing, as Junko actually has a sense of direction, unlike Yachiru and Kenpachi.

45. Ichigo was right about Yoruichi. Morale of the story: if your child has already befriended the midget that decks people with a frying pan, don't let her befriend the almost-a-midget who turns into a black cat and happens to be the Goddess of Flash.


	10. Rehearsing the Talk:Poor Shunsui

I LIVE!!!!!!! I think. If I hold my hand in front of my face, I feel hot air. But I digress.

Look! It's back! And with a new chapter that does not involve Yoruichi or Soi Fon having children! I think so far I've only got one of those.

By the way, I'm done with the yuri/yaoi pairings for the moment. They're too much effort.

Also, for the record, Shihouin Riari makes a comeback. That's the last kid from the first chapter.

Author's Sadistic Meter Comment: Poor, poor Shunsui. HIT HIM AGAIN!!! (this has been an 'Author's Sadistic Meter Comment'. Please continue reading your irregularly scheduled crack.)

Love, xinglongneo. Bitches.

1. It took a really long time for Nanao to finally give into Shunsui. If you want to know the exact time (down to the seconds), go ask Shunsui.

2. Yes, Shunsui. He's very good with numbers.

3. It's how he manages to remember Nanao's birthday as well as their children's.

4. He has to constantly remind Nanao when their children's birthdays are. He thinks it's kind of cute.

5. He also does the division finances, much to Nanao's chagrin.

6. Nanao told him that they were going to get married before she even became pregnant. Shunsui didn't have a problem with that.

7. Though Yamamoto was not pleased by the fact that the Eighth Division captain and vice-captain were in a romanitc relationship.

8. And then Soi Fon walked up and picked up Nanao's book and made the comment that it was just as heavy as her frying pan.

9. They then got into a discussion about hitting people with frying pans vs. hitting people with heavy books.

10. Yamamoto decided to keep his mouth shut.

11. But it was the beginning of a very long (and completely odd and highly scary) friendship between Nanao and Soi Fon.

12. And yes, Nanao and Shunsui did manage to get married before Nanao got pregnant.

13. By like the skin of their teeth, as she got pregnant a week after they got married.

14.The delivery of their eldest daughter required lots of Nanao pulling Shunsui's hair and her screaming that she hates him.

15. And then Shunsui cuddling his little Mayumi-chan while Nanao slept in the Fourth Division.

16. Just so you know, Shunsui doesn't call her 'his little Mayumi-chan' anymore. If he tried, Mayumi would hit him with the heaviest object in her vicinity.

17. That's probably because Mayumi is Soi Fon's godchild.

18. None of the others are Soi Fon's godchildren – Shunsui told Nanao he could only survive one of their children being Soi Fon's godchild.

19. He told Nanao this when she was pregnant with their second daughter, Chinatsu.

20. Chinatsu likes being called 'my little Chinatsu-chaaan!'. But then, she's more like Shunsui than like Nanao. She only ever says 'otousan' as 'Otousaaaaaan!'.

21. Mayumi finds this embarrassing and so refuses to be seen in public with them.

22. Nanao just sort of ignores it. And them. And then she wanders off to find Mayumi and commiserate.

23. Which usually means they end up in the Second Division with Soi Fon. Where Chinatsu and Shunsui are too afraid to go.

24. By the time their third daughter, Fujita, was born, Shunsui had already started practicing the speech he was going to tell all the boys that were going to want dates with his lovely daughters.

25. Mayumi heard it once and swore never to bring home any of her dates.

26. "It doesn't matter, you don't like boys," Chinatsu (rather unhelpfully) put in.

"How do you know what I like?" Mayumi shot back. Chinatsu didn't say anything, which didn't help the angry Mayumi situation. "WELL!?" Mayumi prompted, reaching for the heaviest object in the room (which somehow happened to be a frying pan she'd gotten for Christmas from her godmother).

"IsawyoukissingSoiFon!" Chinatsu managed to get out just in time to avoid getting hit by a frying pan. Mayumi stared at her blankly for a few seconds and then broke out in guffaws. "What?" Chinatsu asked.

"You really need glasses," Mayumi replied.

27. For the record, Mayumi like boys. If she didn't, she would have walked up to Shunsui and told him that he needs a speech for when she brings home her current girlfriend.

28. Just the thought of saying that to Shunsui sometimes makes Mayumi wish she like girls.

29. But when she thinks that, she simply remembers Shunsui's face when Chinatsu came home with glasses.

30. Don't worry about Fujita. Chinatsu and Mayumi argue over who's going to get to teach her to be a shinigami (as Mayumi is a tomboy and Chinatsu is way overly flamboyant and girly).

31. And then Nanao and Shunsui had…another girl. This one they named Rei.

32. After Rei's birth, Shunsui started having nightmares about what boys were doing to his daughters.

33. Nanao tried to take his mind off of it, but this only resulted in yet another girl.

34. They named this one Tama.

35. Shunsui found the only thing that could keep his mind off of dirty little boys getting to his daughters was paperwork.

36. Hey, it made Nanao happy. She could actually spend time out of the office taking care of Tama. And Rei. And Fujita. And Chinatsu. And Mayumi.

37. She decided they needed to stop having kids.

38. But she got pregnant yet again.

39. This time they had a BOY. Shunsui actually wept for joy (not like it's hard for Shunsui to weep for anything). They named him Satoshi.

40. But Shunsui still had to worry about giving the talk to…um, four of his daughters.

41. "Hey Otousan!"

"Yes?" Shunsui asked, looking up from his paperwork to look at his daughter.

"You don't have to worry about giving my date the talk."

"Why not?" Shunsui asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, because my date's Riari," Fujita said, rubbing the back of her head.

"SAY WHAT!?"

42. In the next room over…

"You know this is all your fault!" Mayumi hissed at Chinatsu.

"Is not!" Chinatsu shot back.

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"IS NOT!"

"IS TOO, DAMMIT!"

43. And then Nanao walked in and asked, "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Nothing," Mayumi told her mother.

"Fujita brought home a girl," Chinatsu said at the same time. Mayumi was not amused.

"Has she broken up with Riari?" Nanao asked, "If she has, I think Soi Fon will hit with a frying pan."

44. Needless to say, both Mayumi and Chinatsu were shocked that their mother knew about Fujita and Riari's relationship before they did.

45. "I'm not stupid," Nanao told them.

"Yeah," said Mayumi, "but it took you like three thousand years to figure out that Otousan wasn't joking!"

"Special case!" Nanao shot back.

"Right," Chinatsu said with a raised eyebrow.

"Why did you have to chose now to get along!?" Nanao asked, covering her face with her hands.


	11. What's In This?

If anyone flames me and says that this pairing is sooo wrong and it would never happen, I'm taking this time to tell you THAT I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!!! This whole set of crack is not about which ones are canon or not. GET OVER IT!!!

So...enjoy the story. It's not really about the pairing. It's about the crazy little sproglidites.

Good luck!

1. It all started when Hitsugaya (finally) got a growth spurt.

2. (Rangiku's first interruption)

"No, it really all began when I became your vice-captain!"

"Rangiku, I'm trying to tell a story to Arata and Riko so they'll go to sleep. Stop interrupting," Hitsugaya said, a little more than slightly irritated.

"But you're telling it wrong!" Rangiku pouted.

"Rangiku, I can tell a story. Now if you don't mind I'd like to get back to it," Hitsugaya told her.

"Are you sure, Shirou-chan? I'm very good at helping!" Rangiku pointed out cheerfully.

"RANGIKU! Be silent!" Hitsugaya shot back.

3. Meanwhile…

"See, I told you that they'd start fighting if they asked for this story," Riko said to her brother.

"Why, sister, you're always so correct!" Arata responded in a way that was disturbingly like his mother.

"I'm going to sleep," Riko muttered as she pulled her sheet over herself and turned over.

"But don't you want to see how this ends!?" Arata pouted.

"Even you should be able to figure out how this ends," Riko mumbled.

"Ooh! How will it end?" Arata asked.

"We'll probably get a younger sibling," Riko told him and then promptly went to sleep.

"How smart you are!" Arata rejoined her, then when back to watching his parents argue for a couple of minutes more before his father stormed out followed by his mother. "Does this mean we're not getting a story?" he asked petulantly a few seconds later.

"Yes," Riko told him, "And if you start crying, I'll smother you with my pillow."

4. Riko ended up being right about the sibling part.

5. They got a baby brother named Masanori.

6. When she was told this, Riko said, "God, I hope he's not like Arata."

7. And when Arata was told he said, "Ooh! A baby brother! I'll teach him everything I know!"

8. Riko then hit Arata and shouted every profanity she knew at him.

9. Arata just sort of stared at her before running off to hide.

10. He spent the rest of the day running from Riko.

11. It only stopped when Toushirou noticed how quiet it was at home…which meant that Arata and Riko weren't there.

12. He sighed and went off to find them.

13. Anyway, it really did all start when Toushirou got a growth spurt and found himself taller than his vice-captain.

14. It was suddenly very awkward to talk to her.

15. He could look right down her shirt!

16. And then she still wouldn't shut up.

17. So eventually he did the only thing he could think of.

18. He kissed her.

19. And in very short order he found his vice-captain pregnant, himself married, and a lot of paperwork on his office floor.

20. And then somebody shoving not one but two wriggling, smelly little bundles into his arms.

21. And that's the story of how Toushirou became a father.

22. Just for the record, they all have their mother's hair.

23. Riko hopes it's the only thing she got from her mother.

24. She really doesn't want to have a big chest.

25. How is she supposed to run with a chest that big!?

26. It gives her nightmares, the thought that she'll have a chest like her mother's.

27. And then she has to deal with Arata, who's even more scatterbrained than Rangiku (if that's even possible. Put the two of them together and you'll get about half a brain).

28. A lot of the time, Riko sends Arata off to find their cousin, Gin.

29. She always makes sure to tell him that Gin isn't in the Fourth Division.

30. Masanori's first defining trait was that he hid behind his mother whenever someone came up to him and/or his parent(s).

31. 'Someone' especially included Arata, and occasionally Riko (like when she's furious).

32. But then when Riko's furious, just about everyone runs and hides.

33. Except for her father. He's really hard to intimidate.

34. Though he does run and hide from Arata and Rangiku when they, um, 'cook'.

35. This usually results in the entire Seireitei being evacuated.

36. But most of the time, whenever Arata and Rangiku approach the kitchen, Riko has her sauce pan ready, as she's usually using the frying pan.

37. Yes, Riko is the one that prepares dinner. Like they're really going to let Toushirou within a fifty-foot radius of the kitchen.

40. They had the same idea with Soi Fon but as she A) is really deadly with a frying pan and B) can actually cook better than anybody else in the Seireitei, so no one denies her the kitchen.

41. Riko actually runs into Soi Fon a lot because they can both actually cook quite well.

42. Occasionally Sumi shows up as well, which means that the food's going to be tasty, but you don't want to know what's in it.

43. Riko has also mastered this art of cooking. It works quite well for her mother and Arata.

44. She's also noticed Masanori follows her to the kitchen, clutching at her sleeve.

45. And that whenever Soi Fon sees Masanori, her smile softens. Just a little bit. Riko is positive that isn't a good thing, but Masanori doesn't hide from Soi Fon.


	12. Of Colds and Cocoons

Ah…because of last chapter and the fact that I so do not want to be caught in some sort of awkward flaming war…this one is HitsuHina. Not a big Hinamori fan, but maybe I should've thought of that before I wrote the HitsuMatsu one…thought I'm not really a Rangiku fan, either. Anywho, I'm blaming this on whoever wants to get blamed for it. Deal with it. And do I really have to tell you guys who the pairing is before you read it? It's usually given away in the first ten lines or so.

I was thinking about doing one of these moronic things for Naruto, but I don't think I will. There are absolutely NO undiscovered crack pairings. Except for like Kiba/Tenten. Or some stuff like that.

MORE PEOPLE HAVE READ CH. 2 THAN THERE ARE WORDS IN CH.2!

Eh…this one's quite a bit darker than the others…more how I usually write, I suppose. I really didn't mean for it to end up this way, I promise!

1. "Aww, you're just so cute together!" Rangiku exclaimed, taking in her (now tall) taichou and his (still a midget) girlfriend.

2. Momo blushed, and Toushirou was somewhere between anger and embarrassment.

3. "Rangiku, please refrain from saying that," Toushirou said coolly, "And finish your paperwork!"

4. Rangiku pouted, but did as her taichou said. Like she really wanted to piss off Toushirou. Who does?

5. So Toushirou took Momo out on a date.

6. This went on for several months, until Rangiku finally finished her paperwork, went and got drunk and spilled all of the details of her taichou's love life.

7. Luckily, as Toushirou and Momo got engaged that night, it didn't really matter much.

8. Rangiku just took some extra blankets to work for the next couple of weeks. And got a cold.

9. And then Momo fretted to her soon-to-be husband that one of her bridesmaids was sick and how was that going to look at the wedding!?

10. The Tenth Division office got noticeably warmer after that.

11. Rangiku nor Toushirou understood Momo's comments about the temperature in their office.

12. It is a private source of mirth to Momo.

13. The marriage goes very well…except for the fact that A) Yoruko and Soi'ichi are both there and B) Mayumi and Chinatsu were both there.

14. Luckily, their first child is a boy.

15. Unluckily, Kazuki is the same age as Kyoraku Satoshi (or maybe not so unluckily…)

16. Which means they spend lots of time together as children, which means that Kazuki gets to spend time with the five Kyoraku girls. And Riari, who's over a lot.

17. Momo and Toushirou had another son named Mitsuru just about the time that Kazuki began asking what sex was.

18. Momo said that as Kazuki was a boy, Toushirou should explain it.

19. Several false starts and embarrassing moments later, Kazuki just went and asked Mayumi, who was happy to explain. In rather vivid detail.

20. So when Toushirou tried again, Kazuki told him it was all good, he understood now.

21. Kazuki gave the sex talk to Mitsuru.

22. Unlike the other sets of same-sex first/second siblings (like Yoruko & Soi'ichi and Mayumi & Chinatsu) Kazuki and Mitsuru get along just fine.

23. Kazuki was really, really excited to be a big brother. As soon as he could, he started teaching Mitsuru everything he knows.

24. Yeah…some of those things he should've definitely kept to himself.

25. Especially the tricks he picked up from Mayumi and Yoruko.

26. Those they should've kept to themselves.

27. But it doesn't matter, because one of the first things Kazuki taught his younger brother was how to be circumspect.

28. Mitsuru is actually better at hiding his feelings than Kazuki, but he can't hide them from his brother. It's what makes Mitsuru cling harder to his brother, to the only person to understand him.

29. In some ways, Mitsuru hates Satoshi because his brother spends so much time with Satoshi.

30. In other ways, Mitsuru loves Satoshi because his brother loves Satoshi.

31. Mayumi suggests Mitsuru finds a friend of his own, find his own Satoshi.

32. So he does. And it's perfect. And wonderful. And he doesn't hate Satoshi anymore.

33. And then Kazuki goes to the Shinigami Academy, and the two brothers grow apart.

34. Mitsuru has never made friends easily, so he becomes more withdrawn from the world, waiting to be drawn out of his cocoon.

35. It is Kazuki's job to bring his brother out into the world, to make the cocoon give way to the beautiful butterfly that lies underneath.

36. But when Mitsuru goes to the Shinigami Academy, the brothers have their first argument.

37. Kazuki has changed, has come to care too much about appearances and has forgotten what it means to Mitsuru's beloved older brother.

38. So Mitsuru's cocoon closes in tighter, locking out Kazuki, only letting in Mitsuru's only other friend.

39. But life (or death) is fleeting, and Mitsuru's only companion is stolen away in a fight.

40. And so Mitsuru's cocoon completely locked out the rest of existence, though Mitsuru excelled in his studies, reaching the top of his class.

41. Outdoing his beloved brother.

42. But Mitsuru's life meant nothing. He had no one to live for.

43. And so he threw it away carelessly, uselessly.

44. For Kazuki.

45. In the end, it was Kazuki who needed Mitsuru to bring him out of his cocoon.


	13. Let's Try This Again

Erm…I've decided that writing past ten at night after having worked twelve hours making other people's lawns look pretty is not a good idea. And listening to country music all day doesn't help either.

Because the last chapter came out waaaay too dark for the rest of the storyline, think of this as an overhaul of the second half. But just in case you're wondering, I usually write a whole bunch darker than that, killing off all of the characters except like one or two. But anyway, starting when Mitsuru heads off to the Shinigami Academy. Or rather when Kazuki went off to the Shinigami Academy - #33.

And my computer doesn't recognize 'noogie' as a word.

33. And then Kazuki went to the Shinigami Academy, and everyone was convinced that the two brothers would grow apart.

34. But they didn't. In fact, they managed to get closer, with Kazuki finding that a great way to go back over his studies was to teach them to Mitsuru.

35. This, coupled with the fact that Mitsuru's only other friend was Shiba Kuukaku, did not bode well.

36. And that foreboding came out true.

37. Do NOT give the quiet, withdrawn little kiddies fireworks and kidou, people. Bad idea.

38. But luckily Mitsuru only blew up the Twelfth Division.

39. Or is that unluckily? The Seireitei (and parts of the Rukongai) were coated with the remains of Kurotsuchi-taichou's experiments for WEEKS.

40. The same week as the exploding incident, Mitsuru got shipped off to the Shinigami Academy.

41. Kazuki greeted his younger brother with a noogie, and he was rewarded with his brother smiling in public.

42. This was the first time that Mitsuru had smiled in public. Ever.

43. Toushirou and Momo had often despaired of their younger son (and their older son, too, as he was constantly getting into trouble with Satoshi) as he was so anti-social, but he bloomed into a wonderful butterfly in the Shinigami Academy.

44. He was still somewhat withdrawn and stoic, but he was a perfect match for both loud, blunt Kazuki and a drunk Kuukaku.

45. The fact that he could drink both of them under the table helped.


	14. Interlude: The Forbidden List!

Things Not To Do While In the Soul Society:

Hug Soi Fon (especially if you squeal while hugging her).

Walk up to Soi Fon and say, "Damn, you are SHORT!"

Call Soi Fon 'midget'.

Tell Kenpachi that's he's just a great big teddy bear.

Hug Kenpachi in any way, shape, or form.

Comment on what a great couple he makes with Yumichika.

Try to hide a cell phone in Byakuya's hair.

Ask Byakuya why he forgets to take his hair curlers out every day.

Explain to Renji why he couldn't save Rukia because he has all of those tattoos.

Steal Nanao's paperwork.

Burn said paperwork.

Use Shunsui's sake to help burn aforementioned paperwork.

Sabotage Mayuri's experiments.

Steal some of Kuukaku's fireworks and set them off in the Twelfth Division.

Find Yoruichi in cat form and introduce everybody to 'Mr. Fudgy'.

Especially Soi Fon.

Don't get fazed by the fact that she turns into a naked woman, but demand that Mr. Fudgy stop turning into naked women, because only bad cats do that.

Put bows into Toushirou's hair.

Spread ketchup (or some other red substance) all around the Thirteenth Division. Especially if the captain is sleeping.

Put hot sauce into all of Omaeda's food.

Yeah…I'm gonna stop there. This should keep you all happy for a while.


	15. You'd Be Amazed At The Resemblance!

So…I'm heading into pairing wars territory… AHHHH!!! (Runs away screaming like a little boy…because little girls get bashed too much and little boys scream, too :P).

(Cough) Anyway, this is none other than IchiRuki. Why? Because of Byakuya's face, of course! You'll understand, eventually. I promise.

For those of you enjoying my second interlude, I'm planning to do another like it. It will begin with "Slip an aphrodisiac into the snacks Omaeda eats in the office." Makes me happy.

Anyway, FICWARDS!!! (My god…my computer recognizes that as a word…)

1. Orihime was very happy for her friends (even though she had this huge crush on Ichigo, but still).

2. Ichigo was sort of oblivious to what Orihime was saying. He was too busy thinking of Byakuya.

3. Rukia was desperately trying to keep Orihime quite. She was afraid of who would hear.

4. But they both realized they had to face the music eventually.

5. Getting Kisuke to open the gate for him was not a fun experience.

6. He seriously sat there and laughed for a good half-hour. At the _least_.

7. And then Yoruichi came and hit him and told him to get on with it already, dammit!

8. Ichigo could feel his death coming with every step he took closer to the Sixth Division.

9. All Byakuya did was take a sip of tea and ask, "Are you planning to marry her?"

10. And when Ichigo nodded yes (barely, he was so afraid), Byakuya used shunpo to come around his desk and give Ichigo a serious noogie, grinning like a madman and welcoming him to the family and he was so looking forward to being an uncle.

11. Rukia was quite surprised that Ichigo came home completely unscathed (though he had peed his pants).

12. After he greeted her, he said, "Your brother is fucking schizophrenic."

13. Rukia looked at him like he was an idiot. Ichigo pointed to his head and said "He gave me a noogie."

14. Rukia imagined this all in her head and started laughing like no tomorrow.

15. Ichigo was not amused.

16. But luckily, they had a girl so they couldn't name the baby Byakuya.

17. They named her Hisana instead.

18. Byakuya maintains she's just like her namesake – down to being a fabulous artist.

19. When Rukia points out that she's the best prankster in the city, Byakuya merely nods and says that's right, too. Her sister loved pulling all sorts of pranks on people.

20. So (to maybe slow down Hisana's escapades), they had another baby.

21. Hisana thought her baby brother Yuudai was just adorable.

22. So as soon as she could, she began instructing him on how to be a prankster.

23. This did not amuse her parents, but luckily she had to go to school most of the day.

24. She also thought her grandfather was silly, and constantly told him so.

25. Especially after he started crying after she told him so.

26. Eventually she'd get tired of his crying and hit him with something. Or walk off. Or both.

27. So obviously, Hisana got along well with Karin.

28. Yuzu attached herself to Yuudai as their names both begin with 'Yu!'

29. "They're both kinda weird, aren't they?" Yuudai asked his sister one day.

"Yup," Hisana replied, going back to her sushi.

30. They really did like their Uncle Byakuya, of course. He was so much fun. And devious, too.

31. They weren't so sure about their Uncle Pervert, though.

32. "Why do they call me Uncle Pervert!?" Kisuke cried to Soi Fon one day.

"Because you are a pervert," Soi Fon told him back, rolling her eyes and going back to her magazine.

"Why!?"

"Don't make me hit you with my frying pan."

33. Kisuke went and cried in a corner. Soi Fon ignored him (not like she finds ignoring people hard).

34. And then Ichigo needed to go to the Soul Society, so Hisana and Yuudai came for a visit.

35. And so Uncle Pervert comes out of his corner.

36. Hisana to Yuudai in a whisper: I bet Aunt Soi Fon made him cry.

Yuudai: Yeah…I hope she hit him with that frying pan. Might've knocked a few screws back in.

Hisana: We can only hope.

37. Hoping was what they could do. Kisuke was still as eccentric as ever.

38. So Hisana took the direct approach.

39. "Hey, Aunt Soi Fon?" Hisana asked.

"Yes?" Soi Fon answered, not looking up from her magazine.

"Can you hit Uncle Pervert with your frying pan?" Hisana continued.

Soi Fon looked up from her magazine at this. "Why?"

"Because... um, I asked?" Hisana came up with sheepishly.

"And what will you do if I hit him?" Soi Fon queried.

"Laugh uproariously at him getting hit with a frying pan and then stay out of your hair for the rest of the day?" Hisana ventured.

"Okay with the laughing part, but the second part doesn't float my boat," Soi Fon replied.

"So we can actually spend time with you?" Hisana asked, pointing.

"Had to do it sometime," Soi Fon muttered as she picked up her frying pan.

40. Hisana and Yuudai really did laugh uproariously at Soi Fon chasing around Kisuke.

41. They then spent the rest of the day with Soi Fon, and enjoyed themselves immensely.

42. And when they got home, they put their skills to good use.

43. "Godammit!" Ichigo shouted, "Who taught them to shunpo!?"

"How the hell should I know? I was at work all day!" Rukia shouted back.

"That fuck Urahara must've done it!" Ichigo growled, "He is so going to get it!"

44. Later that night, Ichigo went back the Urahara Shoten and kicked (a still groggy) Kisuke all around.

45. "What did he do that for?" Kisuke whined as Soi Fon bandaged him up.

"I have no idea," Soi Fon said with a small smile.


	16. My Crater's Bigger Than Yours!

PAIRING WARS AVERSION!!!

Um, yes. This is IchiHime, made to keep me safe from all you crazies who decide to argue over who's going to end up with Ichigo. Frankly, I don't really care. I just want Tite to hurry and pick someone so that the pairing wars END!

(Cough) Moving on. For all you people he didn't get the Byakuya's face comment, think of what he was doing when he gave Ichigo the noogie. And besides, it allowed me to make the schizophrenic comment!

To vexedfusion, I give a bazillion points (my computer doesn't recognize bajillion as a word). We think waay to much alike. I have a feeling that if we ever met, it would be bad for the rest of the world.

I'm sure I've said this before, but I'm so sure I'm going to do any fics with Mayuri in them as the father. I don't like Mayuri. It's a long story.

1. Of course, as it was Ichigo and Orihime having the baby, it had orange hair.

2. "Do you think we should name him orange?" Orihime asked her husband.

3. They named him Sora instead.

4. A year and a half later, they had Atsuko. Who also had red hair.

5. And then things became very interesting.

6. "Step on my magazine and I'll kick you through a wall," Atsuko told her brother.

"Why would you do that?" Sora asked with a cheerful grin.

"You're disturbing. Go away," Atsuko told him and went back to her magazine.

7. And then Sora stepped on her magazine and got kicked through a wall.

8. "See, I told you letting Tatsuki teach Atsuko martial arts was a bad idea," Ichigo told his wife.

"It was either that or letting Chizuru watch over Atsuko," Orihime informed him, "And Tatsuki wasn't letting that happen."

9. Ichigo no longer had any problem that Tatsuki was teaching his child martial arts.

10. Now, if only he could get Rukia to stop teaching them kidou.

11. Especially Sora. Because he'll start a kidou spell, forget the second line, and then take the second line from some other kidou spell and stick it in there.

12. With disastrous results. Every time. Without fail.

13. Though Atsuko has figured out what situations those odd spells of Sora's will be good for.

14. So she tells him when to use kidou.

15. She's found it's a great way to get free stuff out of Urahara. A really great way.

16. Nobody likes having their stuff blown up, especially if it's most of it getting blown up.

17. Yes, Sora is THAT disastrous at kidou.

18. But he's got this cute little wibbly-wobbly pout that convinces Rukia to keep teaching him kidou anyway.

19. "It's amazing how good you are at manipulating people," Atsuko comments to him one day.

"It's amazing how good you are at scaring people!" Sora says back.

"Really?" Atsuko asks while barely raising her eyebrow.

Sora went and hid in a corner.

20. Sora is really good at hiding in corners. He can actually disappear into them

21. He managed to learn how to do this after bugging Mayuri for something like eight and a half hours.

22. Atsuko did it in less than two.

23. Fear is so much more useful than annoyance, Atsuko has decided.

24. Mayuri just makes himself scarce whenever they come around.

25. So does Kisuke, but he doesn't have as much hiding space as Mayuri, so they always find him.

26. Yoruichi thinks it's funny as hell. So she laughs every time he ducks for cover.

27. Kisuke is obviously not amused.

28. Especially not when Sora finds him and says that his sister's looking for him.

29. Both Sora and Atsuko know they'll be shinigami when the time comes, but neither of them is quite sure when that time is.

30. Atsuko hopes it's not that too far off for her, as she really isn't looking forward to going to college, getting married, having babies…and sort of everything else considered normal.

31. Sora wants to do all of these things.

32. Sora may be completely scattered brained and random, but he's in the top 5 of his class at school.

33. And all the girls want to end up with him! He's so cute!

34. Atsuko thinks it's kind of funny that nobody at school has figured out they're siblings yet.

35. It means all the girls at school are jealous of her, as Sora likes to eat lunch with her.

36. Atsuko is also in the top 5 of her class.

37. Just in case you're wondering, neither of them pays attention in class.

38. Sora's attention span is far too short, and Atsuko just doesn't care.

39. Atsuko maintains the reason her brother's in the top 5 of his class is pure dumb luck.

40. Sora and Atsuko both get into college.

41. But only Sora managed to graduate.

42. Atsuko died in college and moved on to the Soul Society.

43. Atsuko's first day as a shinigami:

"I would get the midget captain, wouldn't I?" Atsuko commented.

"What was that?" Soi Fon asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Eh, you're taller than Rukia," Atsuko said with a shrug as she walked off.

44. When they got into practice that day, Soi Fon almost kicked Atsuko's ass. Almost. But then Atsuko used one of her brother's twisted kidou spells.

45. It was later decided that Atsuko shouldn't have been put in the Second Division. Especially not after they started to get along.


	17. Complicated Locks Are What You Need

Oooh…I'm going to get for this one. I just know it. But I'm going to enjoy myself before the end. That's the main point. I also got my first flame (does happy dance)! No idea why it makes me happy, but it does! And yes, I have problems. HAVE YOU BEEN READING MY CRACK OR WHAT!?

So anyway (for all of the rest of you not as smart as vexedfusion), this is Soi Fon & Urahara Kisuke. And yes, you just read that right. This is probably one of the greatest crack pairings in the series. Why? Because Soi Fon is supposed to hate Kisuke. Or some such. But I digress.

1. The look on Yoruichi's face was _pric__e__less_.

2. Well, so were the looks on Kisuke's and Soi Fon's, but they're not remembered because Yoruichi went into shock.

3. After all, she did manage to walk in on them.

4. "She's not stupid," Soi Fon said later, "she should've figured it out."

"Maybe you should've told her," Kisuke put in unhelpfully.

"You're the one that lives with her," Soi Fon told him coolly, flipping through her magazine and drinking some tea.

"What are you reading anyway? Porn?" Kisuke asked with a big grin.

Soi Fon hit him with her magazine. And no, it wasn't porn.

5. The porn is all hidden under Tessai's bed. She knows because she's caught Kisuke looking at it.

6. Yes, that was the day Yoruichi walked in on them.

7. "You could've told me!" Yoruichi whined.

"We're sorry, Yoru-chan," Kisuke told her.

"Maybe we'll name the baby after you," Soi Fon put in.

"BABY!?" Kisuke shouted, spraying sake all over Yoruichi.

Soi Fon handed Yoruichi a napkin. "Yes, baby. Are you deaf? And you should swallow your drink before you speak, no spit it out at people," Soi Fon told him.

"You could've told me sooner!" Kisuke shot back.

"You're a genius. Tessai figured it out like two months ago," Soi Fon replied, "But maybe that's just because he's gay."

8. The baby thing, plus the whole Tessai-gay thing, sent Kisuke into shock.

9. "You have a talent for sending people into shock, don't you?" Yoruichi asked.

"I suppose," Soi Fon shrugged non-committaly.

10. And when he woke up, Kisuke started panicking.

11. Soi Fon was not amused, so she smacked him with her magazine.

12. The next time he woke up, he wanted to know how far along she was.

13. "About four months," Soi Fon answered.

"Okay, seriously," Yoruichi said, "how did you not notice?"

Kisuke just sort of sat there for a couple of seconds. "I thought you were getting fat," he said to Soi Fon.

This time, she hit him with her frying pan.

14. He was not looking forward to the next five months after that episode.

15. Actually, Soi Fon had a pretty normal pregnancy and managed not to kill anyone (though Omaeda spent a good part of it in the Fourth Division).

16. And she ate lots of Matsumoto's cooking. Lots and lots of it.

17. And tried to get Kisuke to eat it, too. He wasn't hungry very often.

18. Yes, Kisuke moved back to the Soul Society. Yamamoto showed up one day and said that he had to, as he got Soi Fon pregnant.

19. "I guess we can't name it after Yoruichi," Kisuke said.

"No with that blonde hair, no we can't," Soi Fon agreed, "So what are we going to name it?"

"I don't know," Kisuke said.

"More importantly, what is it?" Soi Fon prompted.

"I don't know. I haven't looked!" Kisuke replied.

Soi Fon threw the flowers he'd brought her at him.

20. They ended up naming their daughter Yoru anyway. And yes, she's blonde.

21. Much to both her displeasure and her mother's.

22. "Maybe we'll get luckier with the next one!" Kisuke said enthusiastically.

Soi Fon just looked at him.

"At least he's not a closet pervert like Tessai," a cute little six-year-old Yoru said to her mother.

"Obviously he's not a very good closet pervert if you know he's one," Soi Fon answered.

23. The next day, Yoruichi came to visit. She spent the day playing with Yasu.

24. And talking to Soi Fon.

"So how far along are you now?" Yoruichi asked, pointing at Soi Fon's stomach.

"Five months," Soi Fon replied.

"And he still hasn't figured it out?" was Yoruichi's next question.

"Nope," Soi Fon answered, "How about Quincy boy?"

"He knew before I did," Yoruichi said.

25. Right about then, Yoru wandered over.

"Aren't you supposed to be playing with your father?" Soi Fon asked her young child.

"Daddy's silly," Yoru responded, "I wanna spend time with you!"

"Fine," Soi Fon said, and Yoru cuddled into her lap.

Yoruichi was sort of shocked. Soi Fon didn't really strike her (or anyone) as the motherly type.

26. "You're getting fat again ♥!" Kisuke told Soi Fon one day from behind his fan with his big smile.

Soi Fon didn't look up from playing with Yoru's hair (Yoru being curled up in her lap), "And what do you think that means?" she asked him.

"Um…you're getting fat?" Kisuke asked, completely stumped.

"No, you moron, I'm pregnant again," Soi Fon answered.

"For a genius, you sure miss a lot, Daddy," Yoru put in, "Three more months and then I get to be a big sister!" She smiled her own smile, which was a whole lot smaller than Kisuke's.

"She can actually smile!" Kisuke exclaimed, pointing at his child.

"Of course she can smile! Where the hell have you been?" her mother shot back.

"Looking at the closet pervert's porn collection," Yoru said.

27. Soi Fon threw the heaviest object within reach (not including Yoru. What kind of parent – besides Mayuri and possibly Kisuke – throws their own child?) at him.

28. It was not a frying pan. It happened to be the table, thank you very much.

29. There was a frying pan on the table, however.

30. Yoru thought it was hilarious. Soi Fon merely smiled at her laughter and ruffled her short hair.

31. Kisuke and Soi Fon managed to have another girl, this one whom they named Hoshi.

32. And yes, Hoshi was blonde, too.

33. Soi Fon was mildly surprised, but not really, as Yoru is blonde as well. Kisuke went into "surprise mode", which, unsurprisingly, pissed Soi Fon off.

34. And then Yoru (who was being looked after by Yoruichi) tripped him and it was all good.

35. Especially after Yoruichi got onto Kisuke's case for being so clumsy.

36. She put Yoru up to tripping Kisuke.

37. Kisuke managed to figure out that Soi Fon was pregnant two months into the next pregnancy.

38. Yoru and Hoshi were sitting quietly in one corner, playing together (or rather, Yoru was showing how certain toys could be used as weapons) with Soi Fon sitting in the same room and reading a magazine (which qualified as 'watching' them – you'd be surprised at what you can't get away with just having Soi Fon in the same room) when Kisuke came in and said, "You're getting fat again! You must be pregnant!"

39. "The closet pervert still beat you, Daddy," Yoru informed him from where she was busy turning a toy robot into launcher of spikes. Poisoned spikes (this is Kisuke and Soi Fon's kid. What do you think she'll do with her free time?)

"Uh-huh," Hoshi said as she went and curled into Soi Fon's lap.

"Why don't they ever curl into my lap?" Kisuke pouted.

"Because you're a pervert," Yoru told him as she joined her sister.

40. Right about then, the toy that Yoru had been fiddling with came to life and started shooting spikes at Kisuke. One of them hit him in the ass. And then Soi Fon made Yoru go turn it off.

41. Kisuke's ass was swollen for a good long time. He actually started locking up stuff in his shop that children shouldn't play with (not like Yoru couldn't break into it anyway).

42. Yoruichi thought it was hilarious. And then she seriously ruffled Yoru's hair.

43. They had another girl (poor Kisuke – his kids are all psychotic little girls), but this one had black hair.

44. So Soi Fon named her Chiasa. Kisuke sat there and scratched his head.

"Why Chiasa?" he asked.

Soi Fon just sort of glared at him and turned her attention back to their children.

45. Kisuke still hasn't figured it out. "Just because he's a genius doesn't mean he sees the obvious," Yoru tells Chiasa when she asks about it, and then went back to turning the yo-yo into a long-range decapitator.

* * *

Points to whoever can figure out the Yoru/Hoshi/Chiasa thing! 


	18. And Isn't The Ice Supposed To Melt?

Ahem! I seem to updating a lot recently. Maybe I've just decided that I like you people who keep reviewing me (and you lurkers…but it's okay, I'm one of you!) enough to keep letting you see into my brain. Or maybe I have nothing better to do.

Anyway, this is Hitsugaya/Karin. Bad things are very likely to happen to Isshin and Ichigo. And Omaeda, but that's just because I hate him (does anyone like Omaeda?).

Points to whoever SL CameL is…you got the meanings right. For the rest of you: Yoru – night/Hoshi – star/Chiasa – 1000 mornings (or something to that effect). Now for the trick: Yoru and Hoshi are blonde, but Chiasa has black hair. You figure it out from there.

And I have 100 reviews! I think I can feel accomplished now, ne?

And before you ask, no I wasn't feeling lazy for the kids' names. This was just the only fic that I could get away with them. And besides, it's funny.

1. It was unsurprising that when she died, Karin became a shinigami.

2. What was surprisingly is that she A) called Toushirou a frigid bastard to his face and B) managed to get in the aforesaid frigid bastard's pants.

3. She maintains that he seduced her. The frigid bastard.

4. And then he got her pregnant.

5. And said it was her fault!

6. So she sat on him…in possibly the most obvious place in the entire Seireitei…until he apologized.

7. That just about sums up their relationship.

8. Though Karin doesn't always end up on top.

9. They had twin boys – and Karin named them Ian and Thomas.

10. Predictably, Toushirou threw a fit.

11. "You can't name our children Ian and Thomas!" Toushirou shouted.

"Why not? They're perfectly acceptable names," Karin shot back.

"I've never heard of them!" Toushirou replied.

"You also haven't heard of the Internet," Karin countered.

12. Yes, their eldest children are named Ian and Thomas. And no, Toushirou isn't happy about that.

13. "What kind of name is Ian?" Renji asked when he met, well, Ian.

"What kind of name is Renji?" Ian sneered back.

Renji was a little taken aback by Ian's question. "I have no idea…" Renji admitted.

"It's a name for losers," Ian told him coldly, then kicked him (hard) in the shin.

14. Byakuya wanted to know why Renji was hopping around on one foot screaming about names for losers about three hours later.

15. About thirty years after Karin died, Toushirou got a growth spurt.

16. And could _finally_ look down at her.

17. It was definitely easier this way to tell her that she was not naming their third son Henry.

18. "So you name him," Karin growled and shoved the newborn into Toushirou's arms.

He was so light and cute and loveable that Toushirou couldn't help but tighten his arms around his son and smile softly at the sleeping baby. "We'll call him Hiroaki," Toushirou said calmly to Karin.

19. Hiroaki chose that moment to wake up and start screaming.

20. And that woke up Ian and Thomas, who were both still little enough to start crying themselves.

21. It was a very long night for Toushirou and Karin.

22. But they did get sleep.

23. Which was needed to chase Ian and Thomas all around the Seireitei the next day.

24. Especially if they ended up in the Second Division.

25. Even more especially if Yoruichi was there.

26. Because the last time the twins went to the Second Division, Soi Fon taught them how to blow up the kitchen.

27. Soi Fon has a rather odd habit of subverting children.

28. But as Karin and Toushirou were incredibly busy keeping Ian and Thomas from destroying the Seireitei, they forgot about Hiroaki.

29. No, Hiroaki did not wander into the Second Division.

30. He wandered into the Eleventh. Which is probably worse.

31. Kenpachi, being the kind soul he is, took pity on him and taught him how to fight.

32. And materialize his zanpakutou.

33. Which meant there was a six-year-old wandering around the Seireitei with a zanpakutou that he actually knew how to use.

34. Karin was _highly_ amused.

35. She was so highly amused that she went and kicked Kenpachi's face in.

36. The fact that she was pregnant did not help Kenpachi's pride.

37. Hiroaki thought it was funny and sat there giggling the entire time.

38. And yes, they had another boy. Toushirou named this one Mamoru.

39. And then Karin woke up and said "Mamoru?" with one raised eyebrow.

Toushirou silently pointed at the twins, who were sitting outside playing with Hiroaki.

"Good point," Karin conceded.

40. Of the bunch, Mamoru had the most normal childhood.

41. He's also a 'frigid bastard'. He almost never smiles.

42. Were as Ian and Thomas are constantly grinning and getting into fights and laughing.

43. Hiroaki only laughs when he's killing something. And that's why he's in the Second Division.

44. Yes, _Second_ Division. Hiroaki learned kidou as he was growing up, and Soi Fon is the only other captain in the Gotei-13 that isn't disturbed by his laughter.

45. She thinks his laugh is nice.


	19. Interlude: No Longer Driving Midgets

Yes, I'm actually working on the story…trying to become inspired (it's not going so well…INSPIRE ME PEOPLE!!!) cough so anyway this was in my head, so I thought I'd let it come out and play.

And YES, I own Manser. And Reebs. And Lei. Or at least half of them. They're part of a comic I'm writing with my friend Becky which is called Super High and no it isn't cliché or anything like Sky High (glares at all of you) I'm writing, remember? I have SO much more talent than that.

Manser stared intently out at the road, trying to ignore the angsty midget sitting next to her in the car who just happened to be staring intently at her. Why she was driving around an angsty midget, she didn't know. Why said angsty midget was staring at her, she really didn't know.

So she turned on the radio to try to reduce the tension.

That happened to be a worse idea than letting the angsty midget in her car.

"Where is that music coming from?" the angsty midget asked.

"From the radio," Manser answered.

"The what?"

Manser pointed at the radio. "It makes music," Manser said.

As the angsty midget's eyes were off of her, Manser relaxed slightly. She was slightly surprised when the station changed but she didn't say anything.

Not even after it had been changed three or four times in rapid succession. Manser simply kept reminding herself that the angsty midget was a shinigami and did not come into contact with technology often. Over and over and _over_.

It wasn't helping. The angsty midget's survival rate was dropping fast.

Especially after Manser figured out she was doing it just to piss her off.

"You can stop pushing the damn buttons now, midget," Manser growled, eyes narrowing in both anger and concentration. She had to keep the damn car on the road, after all.

The midget's eyes narrowed back. "What was that?" she asked coldly.

"I said you can stop pushing the damn buttons now, midget," Manser told her back in an even icier tone.

"If you are to address me, my name is Soi Fon," the midget shot back. And she went right back to the buttons.

"Stop pushing the fucking buttons, you goddamn angsty midget," Manser ground out.

The midget didn't reply. Manser gritted her teeth and told herself not to get too upset (it was, after all, just an angsty shinigami midget – no sweat). But she was doing it to piss her off. Well, two could play at that game.

"Hey, nin-nin midget, you got a button fetish or something?" Manser asked coolly.

To the midget's credit, she barely paused in her actions, then continued threefold. Manser could not wait to get to their destination.

"How fucking far did Mr. Fudgy say it was?" Manser asked.

This time the midget did actually stop. "Who?" she asked.

"Mr. Fudgy – your weird friend that turns into a cat," Manser supplied, absolutely loving the way anger clouded over the midget's face.

"Yoruichi-sama," she began in the iciest tone that Manser had ever heard, "said it would be about thirty minutes."

Manser glanced at the clock in her dash. When had they left? Damn it, she should pay better attention to the time. Then she would've known how long this hell was going to last.

Soi Fon caught the look that flitted across her companion's face and had trouble hiding her smile. The other girl's eyes narrowed and glanced at her, and Soi Fon had the feeling that the other knew exactly what she was feeling. The button-pushing thing really got on her nerves, didn't it?

"Start pushing buttons again and I will throw you out of my car…midget," Manser said.

There was an underlying threat to Manser's voice that made Soi Fon stop. So she simply went back to staring at the only other person in the car.

She should've let the stupid midget keep pressing the goddamn buttons. It was better than being stared at. And the stupid fucking radio was on a station she hated.

Twenty minutes later, a thoroughly annoyed Manser dropped Soi Fon off at the Urahara Shoten where Yoruichi was waiting.

"So?" Yoruichi asked.

"You were right. She's very cute when she's angry," Soi Fon said back with an amused smile.

Manser threw the keys down hard enough to mark the table.

"What's gotten into you?" Reebs asked.

"I am never chauffeuring goddamn angsty midget ninja lesbians in my fucking car again," Manser growled, "who deliberately piss me off."

"You're talking about me again, aren't you?" Lei pouted, "I heard midget."

"Unless there's something you're not telling us about your sexual orientation, you're safe," Reebs told her as Manser stormed off to kill something.

Poor Manser. That's just about all I got to say, other than that I wouldn't piss Manser off, personally.

And the Mr. Fudgy thing also involves Manser...maybe I'll post it if you guys want me to bad enough.


	20. Assault And Battery Is A Crime

So…I guess it's time to stop making fun of Renji as a side character and start making fun of him as a main character…This doesn't sound so bad anymore.

So apparently 13-hour work days are my muse. Or is it working on Saturdays? Maybe it's both…or something (tells you how much I do at work, huh? Actually, not really. I bet none of you can guess what I do).

So, as it's been two chapters since Soi Fon/Kisuke, I'll let you in on the secret of the kids' names. So Yoru (night) and Hoshi (star) have blonde hair (which is usually associated with day) and Chiasa (one thousand mornings) has black hair…which is usually associated with night. Though I give credit to Kitsuru for spelling Yoruichi out of the kids' names…which is something I don't put past Soi Fon (haha, my computer wanted to change your name into kisser XD. I hope your spandex has arrived).

So…I'm blaming this one on HinduGoddess (btw, which one are you?), so yes, this is Renji and Tatsuki. I'll work on something else later. Like after this story is finished. Or when I care.

1. It's amazing how fast you can go from yelling at someone to kissing them to ripping off their clothes.

2. Ask Renji. He knows.

3. It's also amazing how fast you can go from ripping someone's clothes off to getting yelled at your taichou for getting that someone pregnant.

4. Especially when you're on assignment.

5. And your taichou is anal retentive and thinks you should spend every minute of your time attending to that assignment, never mind eating and sleeping, let alone sex!

6. Somehow during all of this, Byakuya managed to wake up Tatsuki, who came out of the bedroom and beat him with her backpack (or whatever Japanese students carry).

7. As soon as finished, she broke down in tears and had to be comforted by Renji.

8. In other words, don't excite the pregnant lady. It's bad for you (and probably for the pregnant lady, too).

9. Byakuya had nothing more to say on Renji's delinquent behavior (especially as it became apparent that he was doing some of his own).

10. They had a son. And then they named him Koichi.

11. Renji said that they should name him Byakuya so that his captain would leave him alone.

12. Tatsuki pointed out that Byakuya had his own problems (and kids) and then she promptly shoved Koichi into his father's arms and took a nap.

13. Which was probably a bad idea, because Renji had no idea what to do with the baby.

14. So he went and asked Ichigo for help.

15. That was probably a worse idea, but then Karin came and took the baby away.

16. Yes, Karin. Do you really think Yuzu knows what to do with the baby (other than coo at it)?

17. Even Byakuya knows more about babies than Renji.

18. Okay, so it's not hard to know more about babies than Renji.

19. Especially considering that Koichi was the first baby he ever saw, let alone held.

20. Tatsuki decided that they could wait to have more babies until she died and they were living in the same plane of existence.

21. Especially as she still had to finish school, kick Ichigo's ass on a regular basis, enforce Chizuru's restraining order, and take care of Koichi.

22. Maybe not in that order.

23. The first time Ichigo held Koichi, Koichi vomited on him.

24. Ichigo has just sort of avoided Koichi ever since.

25. Koichi doesn't really understand, so whenever he sees Ichigo, he jumps on his backs and starts babbling at him.

26. Koichi is a little monkey. Renji wants to know how this happened. Tatsuki says it's all his fault.

27. Renji (being slightly smarter than Ichigo in some respects) doesn't argue with this but merely accepts what she says.

28. Otherwise she'd probably beat him with something and incapacitate him and then he wouldn't be able to spend time with Koichi.

29. He really likes spending time with Koichi. He is, after all, Koichi's father.

30. And usually Byakuya makes him do so much paperwork that he can barely spend time with the brown-haired boy.

31. His fondest memories are the times that they manage to go out as a family.

32. Though people often stare at them and point at them and whisper amongst themselves.

33. Which pisses off Tatsuki, who walks up to them and demands to know what they're staring/pointing/whispering at.

34. This usually results in Koichi running up and saying, "They think Otousan's tattoos make him some of gangster!"

35. This always results in Renji telling Tatsuki that she should not hit random people who seem to be insulting them.

36. Though as Koichi got older, he took to kicking these people.

37. First in the shins. And then higher. And higher.

38. Until he was kicking them in the face. And hard, too.

39. So Renji took to holding his hand…hard, so that he couldn't run away and kick someone.

40. Eventually, both Tatsuki and Koichi learned to ignore the people staring and pointing and whispering at them.

41. Renji didn't have this problem, because it happens to him all the time in the Soul Society.

42. And when Tatsuki finally got to the Soul Society, she understood why the assholes in the living world never bothered Renji.

43. They didn't really bother her in the Soul Society because of their counterparts in the living world training Tatsuki (and Koichi) to ignore them.

44. It became easier as they had more children.

45. And then Koichi died and came to the Soul Society, walked in and said, "How many of them have kicked random people in the face?"

He was then kicked in the face by his oldest younger sister.


	21. SUGAR!

Look at me! I'm updating! Hooray!

So…it seems that I have not completely avoided the pairing wars…even though I did Ichihime and Ichiruki, I forgot Rukiren (or Renruki or whatever…I'm not a shipper (of any pairing) so I don't care). Needless to say, if you like a pairing so much you have to fight over it, you have no life. Turn off the computer, the gaming system, the TV and go out to the mall or something. Honestly, sometimes I just don't understand you people. It's not even real. I'm done insulting you now. If you feel you must flame me because I'm an insensitive bitch, go ahead. I've heard it all before.

Moving right along…I have compiled this list for you for why I haven't updated! Aren't I special!

So let's begin:

Lack of inspiration

Not working at the right job.

And when I do, I come home exhausted

School

Manser and Reebs

Shade and Crazystreak (some more of my original crack)

Naruto (I am up-to-date now!)

Angsting at how stupid Bleach is getting while reading the latest chapters.

Ouran High School Host Club (I think it's hilarious)

Neon Genesis Evangelion

Smut!

I had to shave my legs (hadn't done that since…July!)

Other reasons explained below:

For some odd reason, I found myself wondering what characters I would get along with in the mangas I'm reading. I came to the conclusion that A) Soi Fon would most likely hate me (and probably kill me); B) I would be great friends with Yoruichi until she tried to get into my pants; and C) everyone would keep me away from Kuukaku at all costs. Yes, I would probably get along better with Yoruichi than Soi Fon (though I would spend a good amount of my time insulting Omaeda, and probably Kisuke, too). I decided that I would also make great friends with Naruto and Lee as well…mainly I'd make friends with all of the people causing trouble. Either that or I'd hide in a corner until someone came and made friends with me (which is

the more plausible situation. I hate both mingling and large crowds of people)

But by then I was already thinking about Naruto and my thoughts turned to the first chapter and how the hell did Soi Fon get Yoruichi pregnant. I then came up with two theories A) Soi Fon somehow managed to get Naruto to teach her the Sexy no Jutsu, used it on Yoruichi (and thereby got her pregnant) and then forgot it for like four hundred years before she re-found Naruto and learned it again or B) She used Ran (another one of my original cracks from Super High, she can bend reality – she writes something down and it happens). Or some other really random reason I haven't thought about yet.

But then, I was thinking of two women having children together I got off onto a tangent of Manser and Soi Fon having a child together and how completely screwed up it would be. First, her (two women can't have a boy, people) parents would be Soi Fon and Manser, and then Yoruichi would probably hang around a lot because of how cute she was plus all of Manser's nutcase friends and there would be no way that kid would have a half-way normal childhood (but at least she would have one) and somewhere through this entire thing I started wondering what Manser and Yoruichi's kid would be like and as soon as I had that thought I knew I needed to move onto something else.

So then I moved onto the fact that if all the people going back and forth between the Soul Society and the Living World, how do we know what would pass between them? And then I started thinking about what it would be like if Unohana-taichou was smoking crack one the job…

And then I decided that I should work on the next chapter…which is Renji and Rukia (damn pairing wars…pouts).

Wow. Longest frikkin' author notes ever. Points to whoever read all the way through that. Now you have an inkling to what goes on in my head. I hope you're all still completely sane (God knows I'm not).

1. For the first couple of months, Rukia and Renji were not seen in public together. They were not dating. They were not in love. They were especially not sleeping together.

2. They, of course, forgot about a phenomenon called Yachiru.

3. Which then led to a phenomenon called Kuchiki Byakuya defending his sister's honor.

4. Which included the phenomenon called Kuchiki Byakuya's foul mouth.

5. Byakuya treed Renji and shouted obscenities at him for the better part of two days.

6. Then Soi Fon wandered over and asked what the hell was he doing shouting at his vice-captain in her division, couldn't he damn well do that in his own division!?

7. During the time that the two captains were arguing, Renji managed to get down from the tree and escape to Rukia.

8. And then ask her the question he'd been meaning to ask her two days ago before he got treed by her psychotic brother (who was still dealing with Soi Fon).

9. So when Byakuya finally managed to disentangle himself from Soi Fon, he came back to find his sister engaged…to the guy he was trying to kill.

10. But now he couldn't kill Renji because if he did, Rukia would cry.

11. And she had that cute little puppy-dog face on with the wiggly-wobbly pout that he couldn't resist at all.

12. She was definitely much better at it than Hisana ever was.

13. Though Soi Fon was much, much better (which was scary).

14. So Renji and Rukia got married.

15. They very wisely invited Soi Fon to the marriage, and she kept Byakuya in line.

16. And gave him tissues, because he cried for like the entire ceremony.

17. She had to take away his scarf because he was about to blow his nose on it.

18. Otherwise, everything went off without a hitch (or Ichigo and Kenpachi killing each other).

19. And then they had a honeymoon baby!

20. Renji was treed for the better part of three days, trying to convince Byakuya that he hadn't gotten Rukia pregnant before the marriage.

21. They named their son Hisoka.

22. Which is not a rather good name for him. He's a little wild child.

23. And he likes playing in mud, and then going and hugging his Uncle Byakuya, who doesn't seem to mind.

24. He's a very hyper child. He's been known to run around in circles screaming for the better part of a day.

25. Rukia and Renji watch their son's sugar intake very carefully.

26. Otherwise, he'll be faster than Yoruichi using shunpo while he's just running around.

27. They also had to deal with an infant Miyuki, as well.

28. So they weren't getting much sleep.

29. Which resulted in Renji often falling asleep at work and drooling all over the paperwork.

30. This resulted in Byakuya watching over his nephew (and occasionally his niece).

31. Byakuya has figured out how to get Hisoka to sit still for an extended period of time.

32. He's like the only person who can do that.

33. Miyuki can sit still for hours. And hours.

34. And then someone will come by and she'll suddenly move and scare the shit out of them.

35. She will then spend the next couple of minutes laughing, and then go back to her frozen position.

36. "That is so totally not healthy," Ichigo comments.

"You think I don't know these things!?" Renji shot back, completely frazzled (have you met his two kids?)

"Yeah…but she's been sitting there like that for at least two hours! And she hasn't blinked!" Ichigo said, pointing wildly at the little girl.

37. Right about then, a frazzled-looking Rukia walked up and said, "Renji, it's your turn to catch Hisoka."

Ichigo just sort of looked between them. "My kids just make craters," he said.

"And befriend that freakin' midget who's captain of the Second Division," Renji muttered.

Miyuki chose that moment to get up and scamper away.

38. Mainly because there was a very pissed-off Second Division taichou behind them (Atsuko was also there, reading a magazine and trying to decide if laughing would ruin the mood or deepen it).

39. Instead, she found herself sticking her leg out to trip Hisoka.

40. That ruined the mood. Especially when Miyuki came back and sat on him and blankly stared at everyone while Hisoka shouted and complained and struggled beneath her.

41. Watching the two struggle, Soi Fon realized why she was even there in the first place and wandered off to find her own children.

42. Atsuko stayed and watched for a couple of seconds before commenting, "You know, it would be easier if you just knocked him out."

43. So Miyuki smacked her brother's head on the floor. And she did it so fast that nobody saw her.

44. Renji and Rukia then decided that they needed to carefully watch Miyuki's sugar intake as well.

45. But by then it was too late. She'd already been subjected to the influence of Atsuko (and by association, that meant that she was subjected to the influence of Soi Fon).


	22. Glue Is Stickier Than Chocolate

Look! I'm writing at my other job! It's amazing!

So I've been busy with original crack lately (I get to kill off people soon! Hooray!) And I'll eventually post something here for you crazies to read. Just maybe not today…though I'm not sure if it'll ever get drawn (I can't draw – I write) because I think it's just a little too edgy for my current partner (though we are still doing Super High together).

One of the other things that has been distracting me is wondering what would happen if Soi Fon (her name's really Suìfēng – I'll probably call her that from now on. Me and my Chinese) got into a relationship with Huni-kun from Ouran High School Host Club. For all of you that don't read that particular manga, Huni-kun is 148 cm with blonde hair and big eyes and looks like a five year old child, even though he's more like 17 or so. Though he is shorter than Suìfēng (I'd just like to say that Chinese name is spelled incorrectly on Wikipedia – for some odd reason that makes me happy).

Anyway, this is Suìfēng and Byakuya…because somebody had to do it – though maybe not as badly as Suìfēng and Hanatarou (okay, that one didn't need to be done, but still. It was too funny). But I think they go well together. If Suìfēng doesn't end up with Yoruichi (which would end up with a whole bunch of people no longer reading Bleach), that I think she should end up with Byakuya or Kenpachi. Why those two, I don't know. But who else is she going end up with – Renji? Still, I just want Tite to hurry the hell up and stop fiddling around and actually give his characters love lives. That is still my overall position.

1. "Why do you have to tree your vice-captain in my division?" Suìfēng asked as she wandered over. She'd been watching for a good thirty minutes, trying her hardest not to laugh. She had no idea that Byakuya was that good of a cusser.

"Because this is where I caught him," Byakuya said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Well then," Suìfēng responded in the same tone, "why don't you get him down and go yell at him in your division?"

"Because I have him right here and this works quite well for me," Byakuya replied.

"It doesn't work for me, though," Suìfēng responded, "so take him elsewhere."

2. This then devolved into the argument that allowed Renji to escape. It went much along those lines.

3. "Do you want some tea?" Suìfēng asked when they both noticed Renji was gone.

"Yes, please," Byakuya answered, and they wandered into her office.

4. "So why were you chasing after him in the first place?" Suìfēng asked as she delicately poured Byakuya some tea.

"He's sleeping with my sister," Byakuya responded as he nibbled a cookie. Suìfēng raised one eyebrow. "What?" Byakuya asked in response to her expression.

"That seems a bit hypocritical of you," she responded, "Is she pregnant?"

"No," Byakuya said, "If she was, I'd wouldn't have just treed him."

"Still hypocritical," Suìfēng muttered.

"Why's that?" Byakuya asked, truthfully intrigued.

"Because I'm pregnant," Suìfēng responded.

5. Byakuya stopped nibbling his cookie and asked, "Is that why you poisoned the tea?"

6. Suìfēng threw the teapot at him.

7. And yes, the tea really was poisoned. But that's just because poison is just like sugar to Suìfēng.

8. Byakuya managed to keep it under the radar until Rukia got pregnant and he treed Renji again (but he managed to do it in his own division this time).

9. And then Suìfēng came and hit him with a frying pan and told him to stop being such a hypocrite and he was very lucky that all of her brothers were DEAD.

10. And then she burst out into tears because all of her brothers were dead and she was an emotional pregnant woman.

11. And everyone just sort of stared.

12. Especially Renji. And when he finally recovered his tongue, he turned to his captain and said, "Did you get her pregnant or something?"

13. To which Byakuya said, "Yes."

14. He then started and turned to stare at his vice-captain. "What!?" Renji asked.

"How did you know she was pregnant?" Byakuya asked.

"Rukia's going through the highly emotional with huge mood swings stage, too," Renji said, "You'd better comfort her or she's going to go into super pissed-off mode."

15. Unfortunately, Byakuya was not able to make it in the time limit.

16. So he got chased around the Seireitei and treed…in the Second Division.

17. And then she burst into tears again and Byakuya made it within the time limit.

18. And then he somehow managed to convince to take some time off and go drink tea with Rukia.

19. Which meant the rest of both of their pregnancies passed rather uneventfully.

20. Except for the little episode where Yoruichi beat the shit out of Byakuya for getting Suìfēng pregnant (because all of her brothers were dead and therefore couldn't do it) and making him promise to marry her.

21. And he did. Really quickly.

22. With Yoruichi sitting in the audience playing with a knife.

23. Suìfēng thought it was kind of funny. Though she did tell Yoruichi that she got pregnant quite willing.

24. When they baby was born, Byakuya named her Shaolin when Suìfēng wasn't looking.

25. Needless to say, Suìfēng was not pleased.

26. And the saying 'if she's unhappy, you're unhappy' got changed in Byakuya's diary to 'if she's unhappy, Yoruichi will do her damnedest to kill me.'

27. Though usually Suìfēng can find some reason to hand him Shaolin before Yoruichi kills him.

28. They actually have a fairly healthy relationship – except for the fact that they really can communicate with grunts (especially Suìfēng).

29. So when Shaolin started communicating, she did it in grunts.

30. Byakuya and Suìfēng didn't notice until Yoruichi pointed it out to them.

31. So they actually started to talk to each other (not like they had much to say. Byakuya and Suìfēng could live in silence with each other and be happy).

32. So, of course, Shaolin doesn't say much either.

33. Unless she's blasting off kidou spells at one of her cousins (or occasionally Atsuko, who's her godmother and is currently teaching her how to use kidou).

34. Hisoaki once tried to hug Shaolin while he was covered in mud. It did not end well.

35. And when his sister first tried to scare Shaolin, she got a book shoved into her face.

36. It is seemingly impossible to ruffle Shaolin's feathers.

37. Even Yoruichi can't do it, and she's done everything she can think of.

38. Including shoving Shaolin into the room in which her parents are having sex.

39. So everyone's given up. Shaolin is aloof, humorously, and completely unphase-able.

40. Only Suìfēng, Byakuya, and Atsuko know she has a wicked sense of humor.

41. And that it was this wicked sense of humor that led her to glue all the drawers in the Eleventh Division shut.

42. That and the fact that Yachiru decided to smear chocolate all over her clothes.

43. "She is quite vicious, isn't she?" Byakuya remarks one night to Suìfēng.

"Of course," Suìfēng said, "so she'll deal with the Kuchiki elders magnificently."

"That's the first time I've ever heard you use that word," Byakuya comments as he sips his tea.

Suìfēng merely shrugs.

44. Shaolin does deal very well with the Kuchiki elders.

45. Like when they told her that she couldn't be a shinigami because she had to get married and produce babies, she smiled and demurely nodded her head and then said if that was the case, she'd simply remove herself from the Kuchiki clan and then they could find someone else to succeed her father.

Shaolin went to the Shinigami Academy.


	23. I Decided To Make You Read This, Suckers

Look! I'm writing original crack!

So I know none of you are even the least bit interested, so you can go away and eat Cheetos and watch Bleach on YouTube. I'm trying to show that I'm actually doing something when I'm not updating. Amazing, isn't it?

Anyway, you few that actually care, enjoy yourselves, and remember it's supposed to be drawn (though I don't know if it ever will. I have no talent and my current drawing partner is engaged in other things and may find this waaay to edgy).

So…whatever.

(Scenes of Tanibakijiran, CRAZYSTREAK'S thoughts overlay)

This is my home. The only home I've ever known.

(The sun sinks behind the city)

This entire city is mine. When night falls, I rule.

(An outline of CRAZYSTREAK against the sky, standing on the roof of a building)

It was not always this way. I have not always held the throne. But the throne cannot be left empty, as then chaos reigns.

(Her running through the darkened city)

Chaos cannot be enthroned. I cannot – I _will not – _allow it.

(CRAZYSTREAK getting her mark – there is a flash of blood that sprays CRAZYSTREAK)

But perhaps I am Chaos.

(CRAZYSTREAK crouched on a rooftop, covered in blood)

I was never meant to hold the throne. I was never meant to reign. But the city is still mine, mine to keep, mine to hold. I will not relinquish it without a fight.

(The Assassins' Guild. ARRONA'S office)

ERICHTHABOS: It's the fifth loss this week. It cannot be coincidence.

ARRONA: But who would dare challenge the Guild? Why the Guild?

JERAEI: Perhaps they are not challenging the Guild.

TASMA: Perhaps they are just challenging you.

ARRONA: I tire of Guild talk. Perhaps there is another topic of conversation we could manage? Tasma, isn't your son – hmm, what's his name, oh, yes! – Trimiges nearly to his majority? How proud you must be!

TASMA: It was merely a thought, Guildmaster.

ARRONA: I am more interested in Jeraei's ideas than your ambitions, Tasma.

ERICHTHABOS: Why would you think they are not challenging the Guild, Jeraei?

JERAEI: The attacks have been escalating in the last five years, Erichthabos.

TASMA: And why is this important?

JERAEI: Five years ago, all activity from Shade Nightbringer came to an abrupt halt, purportedly because she vanished. I believe these attacks to be of someone that she was restraining.

ARRONA: Do you have any suspects.

JERAEI: Unfortunately, even after Nightbringer's disappearance, we have not been able to get any spies within her organization.

TASMA: So even you have your failings.

JERAEI: A person's failings are most obvious to those who have more.

ERICHTHABOS: No speech of that sort will help.

TASMA: So what do you think, Guildmaster?

ARRONA: According to Jeraei, the leash was snapped when Nightbringer left.

JERAEI: That is correct.

ARRONA: Then the attacker is whoever Nightbringer chose as her successor.

ERICHTHABOS: And how have you reached this conclusion?

ARRONA: Nightbringer would have had someone who was the natural to succeed her – someone to inherit the leash.

ERICHTHABOS: So the leash would only snap if there was no one holding it.

ARRONA: I do believe it's time to take back our city.


	24. Icicles or Icelings?

After my recent foray into original crack, I present you this…because I was thinking about Unohana on crack again… (It's stuck in my head. It's going to haunt me for awhile).

So…this is Hitsugaya and Suìfēng, because somebody had to write something for the Ice Queen and the Ice Prince (I think the Ice King might be Byakuya, but I don't know. Somebody else figure it out). Besides, I can indulge Unohana on crack!

And Toushirou is still a midget in this story – at least for the beginning. Maybe he'll stay a midget…maybe not.

If this seems a little odd, I was watching Ouran High School Host Club while writing this.

1. It all began rather inconspicuously.

2. It began with Suìfēng looking down at Hitsugaya.

3. "Stop looking down at me," Hitsugaya had growled.

"I can't," Suìfēng had replied curtly, "You're shorter than me."

4. So Hitsugaya had grabbed her by the front of her haori and _jerked_ her down to his level.

5. He happened to jerk a little too hard, because her mouth landed on his.

6. Despite the fact that it was highly embarrassing (and completely accidental), it was rather enjoyable.

7. It was so enjoyable, in fact, that once the first kiss ended, he started another.

8. And then it got more enjoyable – Suìfēng kissed back.

9. "I don't see what's so bad about it," he remarked to Suìfēng one night.

She simply snuggled into his side more, her sigh hitting the side of his neck. "You're not the one who will get called pedophile," she retorted.

"Hmm," he replied, wrapping his arm more tightly around her, "Good point."

10. So when he wandered into the Fourth Division and found her sitting on the examiner's table, he was mildly surprised.

11. "What are you doing here?" he asked, coming to set next to her.

"I don't feel well," Suìfēng responded, "I've been vomiting."

"Doesn't sound that bad," Toushirou said, watching her closely.

"For weeks and weeks and weeks and I can't figure out why," Suìfēng added.

12. Right about then, Unohana tried to walk into the room but ran into the doorframe instead and sat there and began to giggle.

13. So Isane-fukutaichou came instead.

"Ah, Hitsugaya-taichou," she said, "why are you here?"

"I have business to discuss with Suìfēng-taichou," he responded.

"Of course," Isane-fukutaichou said, then began to fiddle, looking extremely nervous.

"Do you have my results?" Suìfēng asked, realizing Isane needed prompting for them.

"Er…yes, Suìfēng-taichou," Isane responded.

"So what's wrong with me!?" Suìfēng demanded, beginning to get irritated. Isane glanced at the other captain in the room. "Yes, I know he's here. Just hurry up and tell me already."

Isane's eyes flicked back to the now-highly annoyed Suìfēng. "Um," she began, "you're pregnant, Suìfēng-taichou." When she was finished, Isane hurriedly scurried out of the room.

14. Both Suìfēng and Toushirou were in shock.

15. And about five seconds after she left, Toushirou finally managed to get out "Fuck."

16. To which Suìfēng replied, "That's how we got into this situation."

"Ah, good point," Toushirou replied.

"Can we leave now?" Suìfēng asked, "Unohana's giggling is about to drive me crazy."

So they left.

17. "Have you heard?" Matsumoto asked as she burst into Toushirou's office, "Suìfēng-taichou is pregnant! Can you believe it!?"

Toushirou just sort of glared at her. "If Suìfēng-taichou is pregnant, that's her business," Toushirou replied as he went back to his paperwork, "And yes, I knew. But don't you have reports to finish instead of gossiping?"

And Matsumoto vanished.

18. And when Matsumoto vanished, Suìfēng came out of her hiding spot. "You have a lazy vice-captain," she commented as she crawled out from underneath his desk.

"Yes, I know," he sighed.

"But at least she's capable of doing paperwork," Suìfēng commented, "I'd trade you vice-captains any day."

"Why don't you just get a new one?" Toushirou asked.

"I think it looks better if he leaves," Suìfēng replied, "Or dies. He's only good at eating and pointing out the obvious anyway."

"So your pregnancy has gotten over the Gotei-13," Toushirou said.

"Soon a betting pool for who's the father will pop up," Suìfēng muttered, "Apparently Zaraki and Kuchiki are in the lead."

"WHAT!?" Toushirou blurted.

"You're not even in the running at all," Suìfēng added.

"BUT I'M THE FATHER!!" Toushirou continued. He then paused, and added, "I'd better be the father."

"Oh, you are," Suìfēng assured him, "Zaraki is too busy chasing Kuchiki, who's too busy running."

19. "YOU'RE THE FATHER!?" Matsumoto exclaimed as she jerked open the door to Toushirou's office, "I was going to bet on Yumichika!"

Suìfēng and Toushirou just sort of stared at her. Then Suìfēng said, "You know, I think I prefer Omaeda after all."

"I'll trade you," Toushirou said.

"No, I think I'll keep him for the time being," Suìfēng replied.

"You're so mean, taichou…" Matsumoto pouted.

Toushirou glanced at Suìfēng. "As she's in the room, I'll keep my comments to myself," Suìfēng said.

20. Surprisingly, nobody called Suìfēng a pedophile. It was, in fact, Toushirou who got called a pedophile – by Yoruichi.

21. "She's just jealous," Suìfēng told him, "But don't worry, she's a pedophile herself."

Toushirou stared at Suìfēng. "She is?" he managed to get out, struggling to keep his eyes on her face.

"Of course she is," Suìfēng said with a knowing smile, "what do you think she's jealous of?"

22. Right about then, Toushirou had to touch. So that was the end of that discussion.

23. "She's so cute," Matsumoto cooed as she held Amaya.

"She also keeps us up all night screaming," Toushirou replied.

"Taichou, you shouldn't say that about your child! Suìfēng, did you hear that?" Matsumoto said, turning to Suìfēng, who couldn't have heard it because she was currently passed out on the couch.

24. Amaya has Suìfēng's black hair and Toushirou's eyes, though her hair is spiky like her father's.

25. She is also painfully shy, and whenever she goes out in public, she's holding onto one of her parents.

26. She also avoids Matsumoto at all costs. But she does like climbing onto Renji's shoulders, or spending time with Momo.

27. About the time that Amaya was a year and a half, Toushirou got a growth spurt.

28. "Seems I can't look down on you anymore," Suìfēng commented.

"No, but I can look down at you," he said, "and I have this really great view right down your shirt."

"It's a good thing I finally got Amaya to go to sleep, isn't it?" Suìfēng asked.

"Yes, yes, it is," Toushirou answered.

29. Nine months later, Amaya got twin brothers – Katashi and Yoshinori.

30. "Katashi is so cute, isn't he?" Matsumoto asked Amaya while showing her her baby brother.

"Yes, but that's Yoshinori," Amaya replied, "Can't you tell them apart?"

"No," Matsumoto answered, looking embarrassed.

Suìfēng came then and took both Katashi and Amaya away.

31. Katashi and Yoshinori both have straight, black hair and Toushirou's eyes…so all three of them look alike except for the fact that Amaya has spiky hair.

32. "So there's a boy and two girls," Shunsui said to Ise-fukutaichou the first time he met them.

"You really are an idiot," Amaya replied, "Just because I have spiky hair doesn't make me a boy, and these are my twin brothers, Katashi and Yoshinori."

"So cold already," Ise-fukutaichou muttered, "and so wise."

33. As Amaya got older, she developed a tuft of white hair at the back of her head. It was fairly apparent, as she kept her hair very short.

34. Katashi and Yoshinori had about ear-length hair that stayed perfectly straight.

35. They were also more outgoing than their sister, who preferred to stay in one of their parents' offices and read kidou spells and other books of the instructional kind. She was also interested in history.

36. More often than not, she'd have to go out to find her little brothers. She continued to read during all of this.

37. Her brothers, thinking their older sister might become a hermit (oh horror of horrors!) decided to launch a plan to get her to go out more.

38. This resulted in Amaya spending less time with her brothers, who were very saddened by this.

39. Though they still did enjoy running away to the other divisions.

40. Yoruichi used to enjoy teasing the twins, but whenever she's teasing the twins Amaya is most certainly in the room.

41. And Amaya has no problem setting the facts straight.

42. Or pointing out the fact that Yoruichi can't tell them apart.

43. "Do you have a problem with me not being able to tell them apart?" Yoruichi said angrily one day.

"All it tells me is that you're an idiot," Amaya replied, coolly flipping the page in her book.

"An idiot?" Yoruichi asked.

"Yes," Amaya replied, studying the old writing on the page, "but at least you're not as stupid as the Eighth Division taichou. He thought I was a boy."

"And he thought we were girls!" the twins chimed in.

"But then, he was probably just drunk," Amaya said.

"Are you drunk?" the twins asked in unison.

"It's kind of creepy how they do that," Yoruichi said.

"I know," Amaya replied, "I live with them."

44. Suìfēng walked in then and said, "They only do because it freaks people out. Toushirou just laughs whenever they do it to him. I don't really care. As long as they answer." She then stooped over Amaya's shoulder. "What are you doing?" she asked her eldest.

"I'm reading about the Great Shinigami War," Amaya replied, "It happened when Yamamoto-soutaichou wasn't even born."

45. "One of Amaya's teachers from the Shinigami Academy sent another complaint," Toushirou told Suìfēng as they got comfortable.

"Why do they tell us? It's not our fault they're morons," Suìfēng replied.


	25. Pink is BecomingFor a Girl!

I've come back to make you read my crack! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Cough) So…anyway…last chapter there were a few hints of this pairing (like one) so I decided that I'd get it done, even though I have pairings from like the second chapter I haven't done. These are the pairings that have shown up in other stories that I haven't done:

Kisuke and Yoruichi

Renji and Isane

Byakuya and Unohana

Kisuke and Unohana

Yoruichi and Ishida

The rest that I need to go back and read to find.

This Byakuya and Yachiru (hence Kenpachi was chasing Byakuya around last chapter). As I haven't written it yet, I have no idea what's going to happen.

1. Yachiru went from being a cute, bratty kid to being a beautiful (but short) woman who had no qualms telling people what was on her mind.

2. So Byakuya found the only good way to shut her up was to kiss her.

3. This, of course, was not a strategy that kept you on Kenpachi's good side.

4. So Byakuya ended up being chased all over the Seireitei (and some of the Rukongai) by Kenpachi just for kissing Yachiru.

5. But it was all good, because Byakuya ended up marrying Yachiru.

6. And then their eldest son Atsushi had pink hair.

7. "Why's his hair pink?" Ikkaku asked when he finally noticed (about two years later) that Atsushi had pink hair.

"Because I have pink hair, Pachinko head," Yachiru replied, putting the squirming Atsushi on the ground, "Haven't you ever heard of genetics?"

8. Right about then, Atsushi crawled up Ikkaku and started chewing on his head.

9. "Goddammit!" Ikkaku yelped, "Not another one!"

10. Yachiru (and Kenpachi, though he'd never admit it) thought that it was adorable.

11. Byakuya was just glad Atsushi didn't do that to him.

12. Renji just sort of avoids Atsushi at all costs.

13. Especially as Atsushi is the same age as Hitsugaya Amaya.

14. So it's Crazy and the Genius.

15. Atsushi comes up with the ideas and some idiotic plan that will never work (though it does sound like it can), and then Amaya tells him there's no way in hell that he would get away with it and changes the plan so that is does work and that he gets away with it.

16. And she always shows up at the very end to do the bit that he forgot to do so that they don't get into trouble.

17. And yes, she was always reading during this.

18. "This isn't good," Byakuya commented as he watched Amaya and Atsushi (who was chattering away at Amaya, who was reading) walk by.

Yachiru glanced at them and then went back to what she was doing. "Do you think our next child will have pink hair, too?" she asked.

"It's certainly possible," Byakuya commented, "What do you think?"

"That we'll find out in nine months or so," Yachiru commented.

19. Na'omi did not have pink hair.

20. "I've got pink hair and I'm a boy, but my sister gets to be a brunette!" Atsushi vented, "What is going on here!?"

"Don't worry," Amaya said, "You haven't been mistaken for the opposite sex yet. And your hair is getting darker."

"It is? Really!?" Atsushi asked, looking at his hair (or trying to).

21. This shut him up for a good twenty minutes or so.

22. Not like Amaya really noticed. One of her best skills is ignoring people (ask Rangiku or Yoruichi).

23. "I have a new brother," Atsushi told Amaya, "His name is Sadao."

"Something tells me his hair isn't pink," Amaya commented.

"It's just not fair! Why am I the only one with pink hair?" Atsushi asked.

"Genetics hates you," Amaya replied.

24. Na'omi likes dolls. She's always carrying one.

25. Yumichika thinks she's amazingly cute. So he took her under his wing.

26. Sadao is the same age and Katashi and Yoshino.

27. Na'omi became a drama queen (much like Yumichika), and Sadao is the perfect annoying little brother.

28. Atsushi mainly hangs out with Amaya. And complains that he has pink hair.

29. Though his hair really is darkening.

30. In fact, by the time he hit the Shinigami academy, most of it had gone black, and he was left with a few hot pink streaks through it.

31. So he and Amaya go really well together (especially as they switched uniforms)

32. Atsushi has died his uniform pink and black.

33. "What do you think?" Atsushi asks Amaya when he shows it off to her.

"I think the teachers might just start hating you more than me," Amaya replies diffidently.

"So…how many times did you correct ole Pimple Nose in class today?" Atsushi asks. Amaya just looks at him. "That many times, huh?"

"It's not my fault he's a moron," Amaya retorts as she goes back to her book.

34. And yes, Atsushi is the most like Yachiru. The only people he calls by their real names is Amaya and Suìfēng (because they're both scary and trained in the ancient art of frying pan).

35. Na'omi and Sadao can both be considered normal.

36. And they pretty much are – Na'omi is very concerned with her appearance (mainly thanks to Yumichika; we all know Yachiru isn't going to end up girly) and Sadao likes bringing home frogs (and trying to give them to Na'omi, who just sort of shrieks and runs away).

37. Sadao was taken under Ikkaku's wing.

38. Which means that the two of them argue over which one of their protégés is better.

39. Which usually ends up in Sadao picking his nose and watching them while Na'omi brushes her hair and ignores everyone in her general vicinity.

40. And this occasionally this results in Atsushi walking up and stealing Na'omi's hairbrush and dropping it in his brother's lap.

41. He then goes and joins Amaya (who's sitting on a rooftop within watching distance) to enjoy his work.

42. Halfway through the argument, Amaya will ALWAYS kick Atsushi off the roof.

43. She will then sit there and enjoy the fruits of her labor.

44. And where, during all of this, are Byakuya and Yachiru? Too busy making out, of course.

45. "Do you ever think Atsushi will stop acting like a moron and kiss Amaya?" Ikkaku asks Yumichika as they ask the siblings bicker.

"I think he's too afraid of Suìfēng and her frying pan," Yumichika replies, "Besides, I think it will be Amaya kissing him – to shut him up."

"You've got a point," Ikkaku concedes.

"If only she wasn't so good at ignoring people," Yumichika laments.

And because I (likely, sort of, maybe but probably don't) love you, here's the first chapter of Super High for your perusing pleasure:

**School's Such A Drag**

REEBS: (standing in school corridor, looking on at bustling students) I hate high school. I don't really know what I'm doing here. I don't fit in.

(REEBS' first period. A teacher stands in front. A student walks in with a note)

TEACHER: Rebecca, you're wanted in Guidance. Take your things.

CLASS: Oooooh!!

(REEBS leaves for Guidance. She enters and sits down in a chair)

GUIDANCE COUNCILOR: (overly cheerful, smiling the whole time) Good news, Rebecca! You're being transferred to Stephan Ulysses Peter Erickson-Roberts High! Only extremely special students go there!

REEBS: (confused) Where it is it?

(Thinking) I've never heard of Stephan Ulysses Peter Erickson-Roberts High. Man, that's a really long name. What do they actually call it, Super High?

GUIDANCE COUNCILOR: (pulls out a map and points to a place in the middle of nowhere) Here!

REEBS: Uh, that's in the middle of nowhere.

GUIDANCE COUNCILOR: (reciting) Stephan Ulysses Peter Erickson-Roberts High supplies room and board for its students. (pause) And food.

REEBS: Isn't food included in room and board? And what about clothes?

GUIDANCE COUNCILOR: It will all be taken care of. Now, right outside is a bus waiting to take you to your new school…

(Outside, by a nice-looking bus)

REEBS: (thinking) Okay, I have learning disabilities, but I'm not that bad. Am I?

Why should I get on the bus, anyway? I've got…I-I've got…my family…yeah, my family…William, Henry, and Beatrice. (family picture of the Ellmans – there is a picture-perfect wealthy family with Reebs to one side, looking miserable and out of place) And my parents…who don't believe in me.

WILLIAM, JR.: Hey, look, Rebecca is drawing a picture! Perhaps we should put it on the fridge? That's where babies and imbeciles get their artwork put.

WILLIAM, SR.: How dare you call this a good report card! All C's and B's, no A's! Why can't you be like your siblings?

HENRY: (holding one of Reebs' pictures) Aww, is this important to you? Too bad! (rips the picture)

BEATRICE: You're such a loser!

JUDY: Why don't you just run away already?

REEBS: (still thinking) It's only gotten worse since…Gabrielle… (shakes her head) No, don't think about it. Just go. Where this bus is going to take me can't be any worse than home.

(Gets on bus)

(While rambling through the countryside)

Well, maybe things will be better at 'Super' High. Though why they have a high school in the middle of nowhere is beyond me. Do they expect us to kill each other?

BUS DRIVER: (upon arriving) Welcome to your new school. They've sent someone out to meet you. They always do.

(The school looks like a palace, incredibly expensive and beautiful)

REEBS: Whoa.

GUIDE: (appearing as if from the wall of the school) Rebecca Ellman?

REEBS: What?

GUIDE: If you would follow me, please?

REEBS: Uh, okay.

GUIDE: I'm going to take you to your class, where a student has been assigned to help you…

(They arrive at the front door)

(KATHERINE appears)

Oh, here she is now! Rebecca, this is, um…

KATHERINE: Katherine Kornakova.

GUIDE: Riiight. (leaving) Buh-bye now!

REEBS: Are you related to Anna Kornakova?

KATHERINE: She sucks at tennis. (as an afterthought, as if common knowledge) And our families have a blood feud.

REEBS: (taken aback) Oh. That's interesting.

(thought bubble) Okay…that's not weird at all. Nope. Not one bit.

KATHERINE: Follow me.

(As they enter the school, there is a scene of GUIDE being absorbed back into the school)

REEBS: (as they walk along corridors) Where are we going, exactly?

KATHERINE: Art.

REEBS: (thought bubble) I can handle that. I'm good at art!

And after that?

KATHERINE: Art.

REEBS: (stopping) I'm confused.

KATHERINE: (grabbing her arm and pulling her along) Don't stop here. It's dangerous.

REEBS: I'm still confused about the art thing. Don't add to the confusion.

KATHERINE: Art is the only class we go to.

REEBS: Today?

KATHERINE: Ever.

REEBS: Okay.

(thought bubble) At least my report card will look good.

(They arrive at a heavy oaken door. KATHERINE looks around suspiciously, then opens it and pulls REEBS through it quickly. There is some sort of machine in the room. It looks like a portal of some sort)

REEBS: What the - ?

KATHERINE: (cutting her off) No time. Go through!

REEBS: What?

KATHERINE: Go through! (REEBS looks at her in confusion. KATHERINE sighs and then pushes her through)

(She arrives in a huge room, filled with every sort of Art supply imaginable, and then some. KATHERINE arrives behind her, completely unfazed by the room)

REEBS: Wow…

KATHERINE: Welcome to Art.

REEBS: This place is so cool. Weird – incredibly weird – but cool.

MISS OGDEN: And who have you brought back with you, Katherine?

KATHERINE: (looking a piece of paper) This is Rebecca Ellman.

REEBS: Transfer student.

MISS OGDEN: Just about everyone is. Don't feel bad about it.

RILEY: (appearing as if out of nowhere) So, what's your power?REEBS: (completely confused) Power? What are you talking about?

RILEY: How do you not know what I'm talking about? Didn't you get transferred here?

REEBS: Well, yeah, but I don't know what you mean by 'power'…

RILEY: Ever watched Superman or Spiderman or Wonder Woman when you were a kid?

REEBS: I used to watch Batman.

KATHERINE: Batman doesn't count. He doesn't really have a power.

RILEY: Yeah, he's just a normal guy with too much time on his hands. Though he is really cute…

KATHERINE: No! No obsessing over people who don't exist! Completely forbidden!

REEBS: Um, power?

RILEY: Yeah…you know…can you fly? Or become invisible? Or become a human porcupine…

KRYSTINAH: I do believe that she is a pyrotechnic.

KATHERINE: Sweet! Fire!

RILEY: Bigger fireworks displays!

REEBS: Who are you people?

RILEY: Well, you've already met Katherine, and I'm Riley Langdon-Cotesworth, of _the_ Langdon-Cotesworth (REEBS makes question marks) and this is Krystinah –

KRYSTINAH: Hamilton.

REEBS: That name sounds familiar…

KRYSTINAH: No, I am NOT famous. Nor do I want to be. I like privacy.

KATHERINE: Not like you get much around here.

RILEY: So what is your power?

REEBS: Y'know, I'm not sure I'm in the right place. Is this Stephen Ulysses Peter Erickson-Roberts High?

KRYSTINAH: Yes, it is.

(JONATHON arrives, at a low speed for him. Various other students display powers)

KRYSTINAH: Welcome to Super High.

**END FIRST CHAPTER**

And here's some more of Crazystreak…because I feel like it. And this part is better!

(Where CRAZYSTREAK and her fellows live. CRAZYSTREAK drops from a rooftop. It is well-hidden, but somewhat luxurious)

NIGHTFOX: (she is sitting, waiting for CRAZYSTREAK) You should've not been that long.

CRAZYSTREAK: What do you care?

NIGHTFOX: You are our leader. We have already lost one; we do not wish to lose another.

CRAZYSTREAK: Shade isn't dead.

NIGHTFOX: No, perhaps not; but she is gone.

CRAZYSTREAK: I know she's gone! I'm not stupid!

NIGHTFOX: You can't replace her with blood, Crazystreak.

CRAZYSTREAK: I'm going to get clean (shoves past NIGHTFOX)

(While she's on the way back to her room from getting clean)

FIREBRAND: Hey, Crazystreak! Wanna go see the sunrise?

CRAZYSTREAK: No, I need some sleep.

FIREBRAND: Are you sure? I mean, there's –

CRAZYSTREAK: _No._

(CRAZYSTREAK enters her room and lies down on her bed)

SHADE: (in CRAZYSTREAK'S memory) Get up! We're going to watch the sunrise!

CRAZYSTREAK: Dammit! (jerks herself out of bed) I'm not going to sleep today. Gods damn you, Nightfox, for bringing that shit up.

(CRAZYSTREAK gets up and moves quickly through the halls of the place she calls home)

I'd like to sleep. I hate remembering. I don't need to remember. The past is simply chains that hold us down. It is better to forget.

(CRAZYSTREAK enters a training room and begins to train)

I don't need you anymore! I _don't need_ you! I can survive by myself!

(CRAZYSTREAK trains herself into oblivion. Sometime later, NIGHTFOX enters and kneels next to CRAZYSTREAK, concern evident)

NIGHTFOX: You can't keep doing this, Crazystreak… (gently brushes a hair out of CRAZYSTREAK'S face before waking her up)

CRAZYSTREAK: What the hell are you doing? I was asleep!

NIGHTFOX: No, you were unconscious. The difference is staggering.

CRAZYSTREAK: Well, I wasn't awake. That's the important part.

NIGHTFOX: No, the important part is that you could've killed yourself.

CRAZYSTREAK: I wasn't going to kill myself. Stop treating me like I'm a child.

NIGHTFOX: Then stop being so selfish!

CRAZYSTREAK: What?

NIGHTFOX: You act like you're the only one she hurt. Well, you're not. Maybe if you'd just open up and let it out –

CRAZYSTREAK: (coldly) Go away.

NIGHTFOX: (she's begun to cry) Crazystreak…

CRAZYSTREAK: Go away.

NIGHTFOX: Please, don't –

CRAZYSTREAK: _Go away._ (NIGHTFOX leaves, still crying and obviously worried) I need to kill something now. Why couldn't she just let me be?

SHADE: (in CRAZYSTREAK'S memory) Leave you alone? But then you'd be lonely!

CRAZYSTREAK: (grabbing her head) ARAAAH!! Leave me alone! (Gets up and flees the training room)

(She runs outside, where the bright sun is shining. She flinches slightly when she gets outside)

CRAZYSTREAK: (in thought) I hate the sun. Why can't it rain? (She hunches over, and dips into the shadows) Something to kill, something to kill. I need something to kill. (She ducks through several alleys, searching for a victim)

MAN: (Comes out of the shadows and drops his arm about CRAZYSTREAK) How's 'bout we haves some fun?

CRAZYSTREAK: Yes, let's. (She smiles, a twisted, dark thing)

MAN: This will be fun, huh?

CRAZYSTREAK: For me, yes.

(Later, deep within the dwelling. She is nearly covered in blood and holding a bloody knife. In the foreground there is an object whose outline is barely that of a man's)

CRAZYSTREAK: Is that all you can scream? Pathetic. (Tosses the knife away)

SHADE: Even your casual throws must be perfect; otherwise you will never be great. Remember, practice makes perverted!

CRAZYSTREAK: Shut up! You're gone! You're not here! You left! WHY CAN'T I BE FREE OF YOU!? (Grabs her head) Even now, when you're gone, I can't be free of your superiority! Why can't I be free of you? Why? (Brings her hands away from her face and looks at them) Blood…this blood…I want so badly for it to be yours…


	26. ATTACK OF THE INTERLUDE!

So…I'm feeling out there again! Whee!!!

I began my jaunt into absolute insanity by classifying our beloved (or not…but it sounds good) captains and ex-captains into two main categories – pedophiles and crazies.

Pedophiles: Good God, I'll just start from the top – Kurotsuchi Mayuri, Urahara Kisuke, Shihouin Yoruichi (yes, she is a pedophile…just think about it for a little while), Ukitake Juushirou, Aizen Sosuke, Yamamoto-soutaichou, and Kaname Tousen

Crazies: Suìfēng, Zaraki Kenpachi, Unohana Retsu, Kyouraku Shunsui, Ichimaru Gin, Kaname Tousen, Kuchiki Byakuya, and Komamura Sajin.

Just in case you're wondering, the third category is Hitsugaya Toushirou. Why? Because he's pedo-bait! And now I kind of feel sorry for him.

And I have yet to figure out how the vice-captains get classified nor do I really care because it's so not going to be this simple (though it might be 'morons' and 'I work so hard I don't have a life because I'm in love with my captain' or something along those lines. I think Yachiru would get her own category. Hooray for Yachiru!)

I also came up for more 'Things you should not do in the Soul Society':

Put aphrodisiac in Omaeda's food.

Especially if Suìfēng is making him do paperwork.

Capture Suìfēng, put her in a box, wrap it up in wondrous paper, put some ribbon on it, and leave it in the Eleventh Division.

Especially if you've somehow attached 'Happy Birthday Ken-chan!'

Even more especially if you've A) stolen all of Suìfēng's clothes or B) put her in something remotely sexy/feminine.

Post the crazy/pedophile list somewhere in the Soul Society.

Start talking about sex to Yachiru randomly, and when she wants to know what it is, tell her to go ask Kenpachi.

Steal Byakuya's scarf and use it to start a fire.

Steal Byakuya's scarf and use it to clean candy off of Yachiru's face.

Capture Yachiru and give her to Kurotsuchi.

Especially if you attach Aizen's name.

Convince Hinamori that Aizen was a figment of her imagination and that she's really in a mental ward.

Somehow manage to get naked pictures of Hitsugaya in Yamamoto's office.

Make sure those photos are found by someone other than Yamamoto.

Whenever you see Suìfēng talking to Yoruichi, run up, grab her, and then run away screaming, "I will save you from the pedophile!"

Especially if it's in a very public place.

Give Yachiru a Monster (or something along those lines)

Steal all of Yumichika's beauty products and hide them in Ikkaku's room.

Then convince everyone they're sleeping together.

Call Komamura 'Foxy-chan.'

stares blankly at the page for a couple of seconds I really need to get a life, don't I? But that was fun! You know, I think I might torture you a bit more and just post this! Haha! Another Interlude for you to hate/enjoy/whatever.


	27. ReproducingNot Twelfth Division Style

There has been minor changes to the Pedophile/Crazy lists – switch Ichimaru Gin and Kaname Tousen. Have fun. And don't insult the list! It will eat you. No, seriously, it will. Do be careful.

Anyway, I have entered the territory known as Ikkaku/Nemu. And the machete broke so I whipped out the flame-thrower. Mayuri is still suffering from third-degree burns on his ass. Though his grandchildren (can I call them that?) seem to be enjoying themselves.

1. "Wait, wait, wait," Unohana-taichou said, looking down at the test results, "That can't be right."

"I tripled checked the results, taichou," Hanatarou replied timidly (because Unohana-taichou is very scary).

"I know," Unohana said kindly, "You always do. What I want to know is who got Nemu-san pregnant."

2. "Unohana-taichou says that I must have nine months off, Mayuri-sama," Nemu said very quietly.

"And why's that?" Mayuri asked.

"I'm pregnant," Nemu responded.

3. And right about then, Mayuri fell out of his chair.

4. When he recovered, he found that Nemu had run away (really, she'd gone to tell Ikkaku) so he chased her down and demanded that she get an abortion.

5. Which he did in front of the entire Eleventh Division (or thereabouts) so his ass was very thoroughly kicked.

6. But when he finally got out of the Fourth Division, he went and tried again.

7. This time Ikkaku walked up and said, "Leave my wife alone, you fuck!"

8. And if that was a cue, the entire Eleventh Division seemed to appear out of nowhere.

"Ooh, ooh, Ken-chan!" Yachiru squealed, "Let's beat his face in!"

"Mommy!" Mayuri whimpered.

9. Mayuri spent the remainder of Nemu's pregnancy (about six months) in the Fourth Division.

10. He then when promptly back to the Twelfth Division where he got a headache from Shinju's crying, but by then he'd learned his lesson – don't fuck with the Eleventh Division and the Eleventh Division's family.

11. Shinju looks like Nemu – but she got Mayuri's blue hair.

12. So she makes a great pair with purple-haired Yoruko.

13. And they've always got Mayumi as well doesn't help matters.

14. What really doesn't help matters is that Shinju has access to the Twelfth Division and its supplies, or that at one point Yoruko's babysitter was Kuukaku, or that Mayumi happens to be on the path to becoming a kidou master and her mother is too busy running after her younger siblings while her father is busy having a mental breakdown.

15. Oh no, that's not a dangerous combination at all.

16. It has nothing to do with why Mayuri has third-degree burns on his ass. Nothing at all.

17. Or the fact that all he's ever called Shinju is brat.

18. Nemu just sort of acts like she doesn't see what's going on – and then she tells Ikkaku it's her brand of revenge for nobody noticing her.

19. Because Ikkaku wants to help Nemu with her revenge, he gets her pregnant again.

20. And Eiji is born!

21. Nemu then decided that it was time to give Shinju 'the talk'.

22. "Kaasan," Shinju says, "my closest friends are Shihouin Yoruko and Kyouraku Mayumi. I know where babies come from. I've walked in on Yoruko's parents. I understand."

"I still don't understand how those two have children," Nemu mutters.

"I don't think anyone does except for them and probably Riari," Shinju replies as she shoots out the door.

23. Eiji (somehow) manages to make friends with Mitsuru…which means he's friends with Kuukaku as well – and in some ways, he's also sort of friends with Kazuki and Satoshi.

24. But even that group can't rival Mayumi, Yoruko, and Shinju.

25. "It's because, except for Kuukaku, they're all boys," Yoruko says.

"Good point," Mayumi concedes, "Boys do have problems thinking outside of the box."

"Oooh," Shinju says, "Like gluing porn all over Byukuya's desk?"

"Yes," Yoruko says with a grin, "Like that."

After a few moments of silence, Mayumi asks, "So…what are we going to do next?"

Yoruko just grins mischievously.

26. "Mayuri-sama," Nemu begins, "I need some more time off."

"You're pregnant again, aren't you?" Mayuri asks.

"Yes, yes I am," Nemu replies.

27. Right about then, Mayuri tries to get up out of his chair to run away, but he finds that he is glued to the chair that is glued to the floor.

28. Nemu chose that moment to walk outside.

29. "So what's next?" she asks.

"Um, I forget," Shinju replied, "I was having too much fun making sure the chemicals pour at _exactly_ the right moment."

30. And then Mayuri started screaming, so Nemu made sure that Shinju, Yoruko, and Mayumi make it out of the Twelfth Division unmolested.

31. "So I have twin sisters now," Shinju said as she was scheming up the next plan with Yoruko and Mayumi, "Aya and Teruko."

"Something tells me they're going to be completely normal," Yoruko responds.

"When you say normal, I hope you don't mean like Soi'ichi," Mayumi muttered.

"Since when as Soi'ichi ever fucking counted as normal?" Yoruko shot back, "Chinatsu is higher up on the normal scale than she is!"

32. Soi'ichi walked by dragging Eiji, Mitsuru, Kazuki, and Satoshi by the ear.

33. "Damn," Shinju says, "That takes some talent."

"Shut up or she'll hear us and tell me to go do paperwork or something!" Yoruko hisses, hunkering down.

34. "My ear hurts!" Eiji complains.

"I have no sympathy," Shinju tells him around a mouthful of Renji's special stash, "If you're going to mess with Soi'ichi, you gotta make sure she knows it ain't you."

"But how did she know it wasn't you and Yoruko and Mayumi?" Eiji asked, still holding his ear.

"Because we are _waaaay_ more sophisticated than you are," Shinju told him as she gave him some ice for his ear.

35. "So, Aya, what do you want to be when you grow up?" Shinju asks her younger sister one day.

"I want to be an accountant!" she responds cheerfully.

"You have my deepest sympathy," Mayumi tells Shinju.

"Pssht," says Yoruko, "All that means is she's going to be a vice-captain."

36. "And what about you, Teruko?" Shinju asks her other sister.

"I want to dismember people!" she proclaims.

"Eleventh Division," Mayumi says.

"I told you she takes after you more," Nemu tells Ikkaku.

"That's my girl!" Ikkaku grins.

37. Teruko really does go into the Eleventh Division.

38. And then everyone transferring out of the Eleventh Division was doing it because A) They wanted to get away from Kenpachi, B) They wanted to get away from Yachiru, or C) They wanted to get away from demon Teruko.

39. "So, what's like being captain of the Second Division?" Shinju asks.

"I'm half-dressed all of the time and people think I'm always having sex in my office or some shit," Yoruko responds, "How's the Twelfth Division?"

"You remember all that shit we use to do as kids?" Shinju asks.

"Hell yes!" Yoruko says with a fond grin, "What about it?"

"I know get paid to do that kind of shit," Shinju says.

"I fucking hate both of you," Mayumi mutters, "All people expect me to do is get drunk and let my vice do all the paperwork."

"Isn't your vice Mitsuru?" Yoruko queries, yawning lazily.

"Yep," Mayumi confirms, "And he makes sure the Eighth wins any and all drinking contests."

40. "Madarame-fukutaichou," Soi'ichi asks, "How do our finances look?"

"We are well within the budget," Eiji tells her seriously, "So my sister can't have any problems with it."

"Seriously, how can she find so many mistakes with something that's been triple-checked?" Soi'ichi asks.

"All she ever wanted to be was an accountant," Yoruko mutters.

"Get out of my division," Soi'ichi says.

"I'm just here because Shikaasan made you cookies," Yoruko responds, putting a bag of cookies on her sister's desk.

"Cookies?" Soi'ichi demands, cocking an eyebrow.

"Apparently, they're over the fuck every goddamn second of the day phase," Yoruko replies.

"Thanks for sending my captain into shock," Eiji says, "Now I have to go."

"Have fun getting drunk," Yoruko waves as he races off.

41. "It's nice to be retired," Ikkaku mutters into Nemu's hair.

"Yes, it is," Nemu says, "We'll be able to spend lots more time with this child."

42. "YES! I'm not the only boy anymore!" Eiji exclaims.

"Madarame…" Soi'ichi threatens.

"Finishing my paperwork," Eiji says meekly.

43. "So there's a new Madarame," Soi'ichi says absently while she's actually spending time with Yoruko.

"Yoshikazu is really cute," Yoruko tells her, "He's got the blue hair."

"I'm just glad our parents didn't do that," Soi'ichi sighs. There is a silence. "What?" Soi'ichi prompts after it she realizes that Yoruko is staring.

"You really don't talk to them much, do you?" Yoruko asks.

"Shit," Soi'ichi mumbles.

"So you can cuss!" Yoruko exclaims.

"I hate you."

"I know."

44. Madarame Yoshikazu and Shihouin Shaolin (no, Suìfēng was not amused) were great friends for their entire lives.

45. "Holy shit, they're normal!" Shinju exclaims.

"How the hell did this happen!?" Eiji asks.

"There is a statiscal possibility for just about everything, aniki," Aya informs him.

"Damn math genius," Teruko growls.

"But I'm your math genius," Aya reminds her.

"Yes. And I'll protect you from the perverts," Teruko tells her.

"Like grandfather?" Aya asks.

"Yes, like grandfather," Teruko confirms.

"Maybe we need normal," Eiji says after a silence.

"Gods know someone in this family has to be," Shinju mutters as she takes another sip of her sake.


	28. Sometimes We All Fall Down

I feel slightly inspired to update! So this probably will take me like three or four days as I get more inspired…or not. It may sit unfinished on my computer for the rest of time.

Though I am liking the way the new chapters are going. Some more interesting people showed up! Hooray! I am sooo tired of Ichigo getting his ass kicked by some overgrown spoon. Okay, I'm done angsting over the manga now.

So…this is Hinamori Momo and Zaraki Kenpachi…as I was rereading my reviews and came across someone who suggested them. Yes, I'm going through my reviews as I haven't gotten many for the last chapter. And I really enjoyed writing the last chapter.

Warning: For some odd reason, Momo makes me write sad. Maybe it's just Momo. Maybe it's just coincidence and I'm a moron!

1. "He doesn't really look like Momo, does he?" Nanao asked Rangiku as she held Haruo.

"No," Rangiku said, "And if I didn't know better, I'd say he looks like Zaraki."

2. "That's right!" said Momo as she walked up, "He looks just like his daddy!"

3. Their combined "NANI!?" was even heard in the real world.

4. They then both went into shock.

5. So, for that month, the Eighth Division's paperwork wasn't on time, but the Tenth's was.

6. And the Fifth Division had a miniature Zaraki Kenpachi.

7. Actually, Haruo is much better looking that his daddy, but the resemblance is unmistakable.

8. Especially as Haruo likes to hide behind Kenpachi's leg and peek at everyone from behind it.

9. While Kenpachi sits there and scowls at anyone who even looks at his son the wrong way.

10. And don't even bother trying to approach if you belong to the Twelfth Division (which is currently in ruins).

11. Apparently, Mayuri wanted to see how exactly Haruo was made, and compare it to the way he made Nemu.

12. It never crossed his mind that they did it naturally.

13. Until Zaraki showed up with the Eleventh Division and destroyed his division.

14. This is the reason that Haruo hides behind his father's leg and watches people.

15. He also gets hidden in Ranigku's boobs…by Rangiku, who after she got over the shock of Kenpachi being his father decided he was absolutely adorable.

16. Yachiru liked to drag him around and show him all the things that she liked to do (which meant that he didn't have to be very outgoing in the end).

17. She is also like a solid wall between Haruo and people she doesn't know.

18. Perhaps that's where Haruo learned to be a protective older brother to Aimi and Raiden.

19. Perhaps that's also where Haruo learned the more…indecent arts of hurting people.

20. Or perhaps it's the lessons he learned while in the Twelfth Division.

21. There's no doubt that as he grows older, Haruo grows _angrier_.

22. Even his father worries about the number of fights his eldest son is involved in, and how low his opponent's survival rate is.

23. Haruo does not know where the line is, so he cannot know he's crossed it.

24. He is just as outgoing as when he was a child – which means not at all, he is cold and angry and violent.

25. Aimi and Raiden are, in fact, scared of him.

26. But he can't notice it on his own; someone else has to point it out to him.

27. "You're scaring them!" Harumi scolds him as she wipes away his younger siblings' tears and fixes their clothing.

28. Haruo stares at her in shock, and then glances at his younger siblings only to confirm that what she has said is true – he hangs his head in shame.

29. "Instead of defending them all the time, why don't you just teach them to defend themselves?" Harumi suggests, cleaning his wounds after another one of his fights, and leans back to make sure she's gotten one cut sufficiently and so catches his 'are you an idiot look?', to which she says, "At the rate you're going, you're not going to be here for them much longer, and who will protect them when you're gone?"

30. Again, Haruo hangs his head in shame, the truth of her words stinging.

31. So he teaches them how to fight.

32. "Is this right?" little Raiden asks, looking for his brother's approval.

33. Haruo just ruffles his hair and smiles, "Yes, that's right, Raiden," he says – every time Raiden asks.

34. Aimi gets her lessons from Yachiru most of the time.

35. But it's okay, as Aimi couldn't draw her way out of a paper bag.

36. But her favorite memories are just the same as Raiden's – walking with Haru-nee-chan and Haru-nii-chan (that's what they call them), with Raiden sitting on Haruo's shoulders and Aimi holding Harumi's hand as she skips along.

37. But it's Raiden who really breaks the ice.

38. "When are Haru-nee-chan and Haru-nii-chan gonna get married?" he asks as he eats the apple Harumi gave him.

39. Harumi and Haruo just sort of freeze, and then after a couple of minutes, they look at each other.

40. They both say "NO!" at the same time.

41. "I wonder what they're going on about now," Kenpachi grunts to Momo, who barely opens her eyes to look at them, and then holds out her hand to him – Kenpachi then decides he doesn't care.

42. "They're baking cookies with Kaasan," Haruo tells Harumi after she asks him where his siblings are.

43. She just sort of sits there and stares at him until he gets it, and when he does, he starts and says, "Those sneaky brats!"

44. When Harumi returns to the Fourth Division (which is where she lives), she walks up the stairs and slams her door.

45. "Harumi had a good day," Isane tells Retsu, "she didn't storm up the stairs. I wonder what happened." Retsu merely smiles and sips her tea.

Raiden and Aimi are MUCH younger than Haruo. Good for you if you can figure out who Harumi's parents are.


	29. Nervous Breakdowns

I BLAME YOU, JAIME! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! So if you don't read this, I'm going to…do something I can talk about in public. And yes, this IS considered public.

So you know what, I'm not gonna tell you what the pairing is. I feel like making you guess. Jaime knows. If she doesn't, I'm gonna be mad.

1. "I'm glad everyone is focused on Zaraki-taichou and Momo," Isane muttered, "Then no one notices us."

2. "I'm pretty sure they've noticed the pregnancy," Retsu says to her vice-captain as she smoothes hair away from Retsu's face.

3. "Are you comfortable?" Isane asks, nervous as always. Retsu just smiles, it's something she gotten used to.

4. Of course, that nervousness only multiples when Harumi is born.

5. "Am I holding her right?" Isane asks, watching little Harumi sleep, "Do you think she's comfortable? Perhaps I need more –"

6. Retsu gently lays her hand on Isane's arm and smiles the smile that she has only for Isane, "She's fine," Retsu says, "look, she's smiling."

7. And for once in her life, Isane calms down and forgets her nervousness, enraptured by her young daughter.

8. Five minutes later, Harumi wakes up and starts screaming, and Isane goes off into panic mode again.

9. Retsu walks in and calms both Harumi and Isane in one fell swoop, gives Harumi back to Isane, and walks back out of the room.

10. Harumi, despite one of her parents having an overly-soothing personality and the other being a highly nervous person, has no problems speaking her mind or being angry.

11. Or maybe that's because of.

12. And is because of that personality trait that she is friends with Zaraki Haruo.

13. "I don't know if that's safe," Isane says to Retsu, watching their daughter get into an argument with Haruo, "He has quite a reputation."

14. Right about then, Harumi decided to kick Haruo in the face for being a dumbass.

15. "I think she'll be fine," Retsu remarks, "Can you give me a hand?"

16. And so Isane is distracted (yet again).

17. And Harumi has to teach Haruo how to at least act like he's a normal human being.

18. When Harumi goes home, she storms up the stairs and then slams the door.

19. Isane and Retsu have learned how to judge her moods on how hard she does both.

20. But the main question that has come up is why Mayuri kidnapped Haruo, and not Harumi.

21. A) Haruo was born first (which meant that Mayuri was still obsessed with Haruo when Harumi was bored, so he overlooked her).

22. And B) Retsu is frikkin' scary. Scarier than Kenpachi.

23. Harumi has no trouble understanding how either of her mothers is scary.

24. "Haru-nee-chan!" Raiden exclaims as he runs up, "I hurt my elbow!"

25. And Harumi sighs, and deals with it.

26. The next time, she makes Haruo deal with it.

27. "Why do I have to do this?" Haruo asks, frowning, "You're the one who's in the Fourth Division!"

28. "I live in the Fourth Division because my mothers are in the Fourth Division," Harumi corrects, "I'm not actually a part of it. See, that's part of your problem – you just assume things!"

"I do not!" Haruo growled back.

"Oh yes, you do!" Harumi replies.

29. "They bicker like Kaasan and Otousan, don't they?" Aimi asks of Raiden, who nods with a grin, their small conversation going unnoticed by their Haru-nii-chan and Haru-nee-chan.

30. Harumi teaches Aimi and Raiden to bind wounds, telling Haruo that she doesn't know how long she'll be here, either.

31. She just seems to have that philosophy on life.

32. "It's from living in the Fourth Division," she tells Haruo when he asks, "In your parents' divisions, people go to the Fourth Division to get help, but my parents' division is where everyone goes, where everyone dies, so I know death isn't something far away, so I need to live life to the fullest while I can."

33. Right about then, Suìfēng ran past madly waving a frying pan.

34. "I didn't do it," Haruo and Harumi said together, and then they both burst out laughing.

35. "I think she's chasing down her vice," Haruo comments, leaning back to gaze at the sky.

"I dunno," Harumi says, "Have you seen the guy she's married to?"

"Wait! She's straight!?" Haruo exclaims, jerking upwards to look at Harumi, "I always thought she was a lesbian."

"Maybe she's bi or something," Harumi shrugs.

"I can live with that," Haruo says as he lays back down.

36. "It's winter, Haruo, put a shirt on," Harumi says as she watches Haruo walk towards her, "And if you say wearing a shirt will get in the way of your fighting, trust me, sneezing will only be worse."

37. Haruo does not put a shirt on as he doesn't like being told what to do, and so he gets not a cold, but the flu!

38. "You moron, I told you to wear a shirt!" Harumi scolds him as he lies feverish in the bed, "So no, I don't have any sympathy. It's your own damn fault."

39. Haruo wears a shirt every winter after that, and teaches his younger siblings the importance of dressing for the weather.

40. Isane is still always nervous.

41. "But you're good at it!" Harumi protests.

"But what if I mess up?" Isane asks, nervously wringing her hands.

"Have you ever messed up before?"

"No…"

"Well, there you go! You're good at it, so you won't mess up!"

42. And so Harumi gives Isane some self-confidence for facing the birth of her second child.

43. "We'll teach her how to fight an' treat wounds an' we'll watch out for her!" Aimi exclaims.

"Yeah!" Raiden says, "We'll be her Aimi-nee-chan and Raiden-nii-chan!"

44. And so Raiden and Aimi show they've really learned a lot from Harumi and Haruo by teaching Ryoko everything they know, including standing up for herself.

45. "It ain't lavender, it's silver!" Ryoko yells as she kicks Iba in the balls, "Maybe you should take off those stupid sunglasses so you can see people better!"

I am still blaming Jaime.

Have you ever noticed that in anime, silver hair looks like it's lavender?


	30. It's Scarringly Wrong

You know what, Kuukaku needs some love. And Mayuri needs to be tortured. And I can accomplish both in one go! Aren't I special? You know I'm special…in a need-to-be-medicated sort of way.

And no, I can't blame Kanian for this one, like I did the last one. I have to blame myself. But that's okay. This is total crack.

I almost feel sorry for Mayuri…almost. No, wait, no I don't. I never feel sorry for Mayuri!

1. "That's just disturbing," Yoruichi muttered.

"Oh yeah, that's disturbing," Yoruko nodded in agreement.

2. They were currently watching Shiba Kuukaku drag Kurotsuchi Mayuri down the street towards the Fourth Division, while muttering something about couple's counseling.

3. "I really hope they don't have kids," Yoruichi continued.

4. Unfortunately for Yoruichi, they did have kids.

5. You expect Mayuri to have one kid at a time? The moron's jacked with his DNA so much that he and Kuukaku had sextuplets.

6. Yes, _sextuplets._

7. Azami is the eldest, and she is actually perfectly normal.

8. Her best friend is Shihouin Shaolin, and they like drinking tea and discussing the weather, boys, and what's in fashion like other normal (boring) girls.

9. They talk about these things when Madarame Yoshikazu comes around, minus the boys bit.

10. Azami also likes spending Mayuri's money (because she can't get her hands on Kuukaku's)

11. And this is why Mayuri has an ulcer.

12. Chikako is the next child, and spent waaaaaaaay too much time with her mother as a child.

13. She likes burning things. All sorts of things.

14. Including her father's research.

15. Every single day of the week.

16. And this is why Mayuri is always exhausted.

17. Daiki followed Chikako, and he discovered drums when he was five.

18. And so now he plays them constantly.

19. Of course, this habit disturbed his mother's work so he was sent to play in the room next to his father's lab.

20. And this is why Mayuri always has migraines.

21. Fourth in line was Eri, and she is a genius.

22. Which means that she is constantly reading EVERYTHING.

23. Her father's research and her niece Shinju's research are two of her favorite things to read.

24. But her absolutely favorite thing to do is correct her father.

25. And this is why Mayuri is always frustrated.

26. The fifth child was Fumio, who discovered fighting as a young boy.

27. He is constantly getting into fights with just about anybody.

28. Kuukaku usually makes Mayuri go deal with 'his son' (though everyone knows the violent gene came from Kuukaku).

29. And this is why Mayuri is always in some sort of pain.

30. And lastly, they had Gen, the quiet little girl that likes to sit in a corner and not be noticed.

31. One of Mayuri's habits that Gen has noticed is that he talks to himself when researching or planning or writing in his diary.

32. This means she knows everything her father is thinking, and that she can tell everyone what's he's planning to do.

33. Especially her mother.

34. And this is why Mayuri is constantly nervous (and has developed a nervous twitch).

35. Though that nervous twitch has to do in part with the fact he gave himself a vasectomy

36. After having lived through A) Kuukaku being pregnant and B) Sextuplets as younger that one, Mayuri decided that he didn't want to go through it again.

37. Kuukaku agreed with him.

38. Yes, they actually agree on certain things.

39. Like they should restrict all of their children's sugar intakes.

40. They struggle to restrict Eri's sugar intake, but it's okay because she spends most of the day with Shinju and therefore they usually don't have to deal with her until she's come down from her sugar rush.

41. But unfortunately, they usually don't notice Gen until it's too late.

42. Gen on sugar is enough to scare Kenpachi – pretty much, she becomes a raging psychopath.

43. But luckily, Gen doesn't like most forms of sugar (much to her parents' relief), except for rock candy.

44. And one week, Eri made a whole lot of rock candy for no apparent reason.

45. Even Shinju was in agreement that Eri was NEVER to do that again. EVER. Not under ANY circumstances.

Ah…I like torturing Mayuri. And this is the only Mayuri one I will ever write, as I dislike him so much, so don't request. It ain't happening.


	31. Pink Bows and Black Cats

It's time to give love to the Quincy…yes, I'm writing an Uryuu fic. Took me long enough, didn't it? Eventually I have to write an Ishihime…but not today!

Today the mother of the archer's children is…Yoruichi!!

Why? Because I want to. And it needs to be done! It's been on my to-do list for some time. So I'm gonna do it. Maybe I'll be as insane as I am right now on the other side. Maybe not.

Warning: The children from Suìfēng/Kisuke are making a comeback. That would be: Yoru, Hoshi, and Chiasa. And now you know. Somebody told me that I shouldn't do that and this is what I have to say: I group pairings because it makes it easier for me to think about them, and then if I decide I like some of them enough to write a longer fic, I don't actually have to pull half of it out of my ass.

1. No one is quite sure how Uryuu and Yoruichi ended up together.

2. Including Uryuu and Yoruichi.

3. It has something do to with Yoruichi going into human form in front of him, and instead of blushing Uryuu taking measurements and telling her what colors would go well with her coloring.

4. Needless to say, that's not what Yoruichi was expecting.

5. Or what she wanted.

6. Nine months later, he got another surprised: this one was named Yuichi.

7. Who is the same age as Urahara Yoru.

8. "Maybe we should get married," Uryuu said, fidgeting with his glasses.

"Get married? Uryuu, I'm a _cat_," Yoruichi reminded him.

"A cat with a two-year-old and another baby on the way," Uryuu said.

"Humph," Yoruichi responded before she leaned over and took off his glasses.

9. "So I have three psychotic little girls," Kisuke said, "and you have three boys." Yoruichi just sort of glared at him. "What!?" Kisuke asked.

"Your kids get to be psychotic, by mine just get to be boys?" Yoruichi asked.

"I think that's bad enough," Kisuke responded.

"You're probably right," Yoruichi muttered.

10. And then Suìfēng came and hit Kisuke with a frying pan for calling their children psychotic (though they really are).

11. So Yoruichi went home to her Quincy lover and their three boys.

12. Where Isamu had just figured out how to turn into a cat.

13. By the way, their youngest son Naoki is afraid of cats.

14. So, basically, she returned to chaos.

15. Which she didn't help because she was in cat form.

16. So it was Uryuu who fixed everything, because he's just amazing at solving problems.

17. "You horrible woman!" some random soccer mom screeched in the grocery store, "Just because you dye your hair purple doesn't mean you need to die your son's hair!"

Yoruichi blinked at her, and then looked down at Naoki, and then looked back at her. "Are you serious?" Yoruichi asked, raising one eyebrow.

"Yes!" the random woman exclaimed, pointing an accusatory finger at Yoruichi, "What's wrong with you? Do you think he's some kind of toy or something?"

"Toys don't cry, constantly demanded your attention, and draw on the walls," Yoruichi replied, shocking the random woman. "And by the way," she called as she walked away, "This is our natural hair color!"

18. "You forgot the milk," Uryuu told her when she got home.

"You actually expect milk to make it home with me and the child you call the milk-fiend?" Yoruichi asked him, crossing her arms.

"You have a point," Uryuu conceded.

19. Every week, Uryuu buys milk. And lots of it.

20. There's even a separate fridge in their house for the milk.

21. It's one of their biggest expenses.

22. Uryuu drinks one glass of milk a day, Yoruichi and Naoki guzzle it, and Yuichi drinks some whenever he feels like milk.

23. Oh, and Isamu? He's lactose intolerant!

24. Yoruichi isn't quite sure how that happened.

25. But she doesn't let Kisuke anywhere near Isamu because she's absolutely convinced he tried to kill her son by giving him milk.

26. Kisuke doesn't go anywhere near Isamu anyway because Suìfēng knows of this incident and is carefully watching him with her frying nearby.

27. While reading a magazine with at least one of their children curled up in her lap (usually Chiasa – Yoru has really gotten into making weapons of mass destruction and Hoshi likes making poisoned cookies and feeding them to Hollows).

28. Yuichi got the yellow eyes.

29. Which apparently makes him sexy.

30. "See? I'm sexy!" Yuichi says as he is surrounded by girls at school.

"Whatever," Yoru says as she walks off, "moron."

31. "Is she a lesbian or something?" Yuichi asks Isamu later.

"No," Isamu replies, "You're just a moron."

"HEY!" Yuichi shouts, and they're off.

32. About five minutes later, Isamu turned into a cat and scampered off.

33. He, unfortunately, ran into Naoki, who had turned his fear of cats into anger.

34. Isamu turned back into a human right before Naoki set him on fire.

35. "Why do you turn into a cat?" Naoki asked.

"Kaasan does it, too, you know," Isamu told him, "You got some extra pants? I really don't feel like walking home naked."

"No, but you can have mine," Naoki said, taking his off and giving them to his older brother.

"Thanks, but won't you get stared at?" Isamu asked, pulling on Naoki's pants.

"I already get stared at because of my purple hair," Naoki replied.

"Right," Isamu replied.

36. "Isamu, why are you wearing Naoki's pants?" Yoruichi asked when her son walked through the door.

"Because I had to turn into a cat to escape Yuichi but then I had to turn back into a human to keep from being set on fire and please don't tell Otousan," Isamu said as he ran up the stairs, "And I'm going to take a shower and put my own damn pants on!"

37. "Do you really turn into a cat, Kaasan?" Naoki asks.

"Yes, I do," Yoruichi said.

"But why?" Naoki asks.

"I dunno," Yoruichi replied, "I've never tried turning into anything else."

"Do you think I could turn into a cat?" Naoki asked.

"But you hate cats. Why would you want to turn into a cat?" Yoruichi asked, genuinely intrigued.

"Because then I could understand them better," Naoki replied, "So then I wouldn't want to shoot them with my Quincy bow."

38. "Stay away from Naoki when you're in cat form," Yoruichi told Isamu.

"Yes, Kaasan," Isamu replied, "Can I have some milk?"

39. Yoruichi hit him on the head for that question.

40. "Hey Otousan," Yuichi said, "How do you attract women?"

Uryuu looked at his eldest son. "Excuse me?" he asked.

"Well, you've got to know! You got Kaasan!" Yuichi said, "How the hell do you attract women!?"

"It's the glasses!" Yoruichi hollered as she walked by Uryuu's study, "Uber-sexy!"

41. So Yuichi gets glasses.

42. "Yuichi," Yoru says patiently, "I'm not interested."

"You're a lesbian, aren't you?" Yuichi says, pointing an accusatory finger at her.

"No," Yoru replies, "You just happen to remind me of my father and _you're a moron_."

43. "Your son is very persistent," Suìfēng comments to Yoruichi while sipping her tea.

"Yes," Yoruichi said, "It reminds me of when Kisuke was chasing _you_, but you were a lot more oblivious." Suìfēng looks at her like she's crazy. "And you're obviously still oblivious."

44. "You should wear this color!" Yuichi tells Yoru while holding up some sort of clothing – which would be identified if Yoru could figure out what it was.

"Why?" Yoru asks, raising an eyebrow.

"Because it brings out the green in your eyes," Yuichi promptly replied.

Yoru just sort of stared at him.

45. Of all of his sons, Uryuu spends the most time with Yuichi, even though he can't make a proper Quincy bow (like Isamu and Naoki), mainly because Yuichi is the only one interested in his father's passion: sewing.


	32. Babies and Old Men Make For Bad Days

If you're wondering why updates have slowed way the hell down, it's because at this moment in time I don't find Bleach inspiring. It's gotten better recently, now that some people other than Ichigo (for all you people who love Ichigo, I like his character, but the last couple of chapters have been rather redundant and it's so refreshing to have the story line off of Ichigo, which is a good shake-up) have shown the hell up and are kicking ass.

Not only that, but I'm currently working on my novel (yes, I said novel) which is taking up more of my time. I haven't made much progress, but I'm planning to post it on under the name of xinglongneo (shocking, isn't it?)…And I've posted the first chapter, so if you liked any of the insane original stuff I've randomly posted in this crack, go check it out. You haven't met any of the characters yet. I haven't put them in here. Putting some of them with Bleach characters is a scary thought.

And I feel like surprising you. Good luck and I hope you come out sane. Which is highly unlikely, since you're reading this in the first place.

This chapter might actually need an 'M' rating due to Takara's mouth. If you don't like swearing, run away screaming. Otherwise, have fun!

1. Kuukaku was pissed that she couldn't help the Gotei-13 beat Aizen.

2. So she demanded to know why.

3. "You can't fight because you're pregnant!" Yamamoto-soutaichou argued.

"And whose fault is that?" Kuukaku shot back.

"That's not the point," Yamamoto said, "The point is you're pregnant and if I even agreed to let you fight, Retsu would debrain me with Suìfēng's frying pan. And then who would you blame for being pregnant?"

4. Kuukaku grumbled some, but consented.

5. But in revenge, she kept everyone guessing about the father.

6. It was mainly for her own amusement, she all she got to do was sit at home and she was SO bored.

7. Though some of the answers people put out there were just freaky – why the hell would she be having babies with Ganju!?

8. That person (who shall remain unnamed) spent the remainder of the war in the Fourth Division and is highly disfigured thanks to that comment.

9. They also found themselves in the Eleventh Division and unable to leave.

10. "I can't tell who the father is," Unohana commented to Isane.

"Maybe a clue was who she was screaming at while giving birth," Isane said, now holding the newest member of the Shiba clan.

"I was hoping the father was someone else," Unohana muttered as she went to find Yamamoto-soutaichou.

11. They named their son Katsuro.

12. They came to this decision after lots of swearing and stoic decisiveness.

13. So eventually, they decided on a name neither of them really liked but they could both live with.

14. "So, does Kuukaku's baby look like his daddy?" Yoruichi asked Suìfēng when she came to visit.

"I can't tell…" Suìfēng admitted, frowning.

"Why not?" Yoruichi pouted.

"Because Yamamoto-soutaichou has wrinkles," Suìfēng responded.

15. Yoruichi spit out her sake on Kisuke (who happened to be walking past) at that remark.

16. "Why do people stare at us, Kaasan?" Katsuro asked his mother while they were going to see his Otousan.

"It's because they're all stupid fuckers who don't know how to mind their own damn business," Kuukaku growled.

17. Kuukaku and Yamamoto communicate mostly through arguing.

18 Like Kuukaku would be anybody's bitch and Yamamoto's head of the Gotei-13, which you don't become by being someone's whiny bitch.

19. They argue so much that Katsuro thinks it's normal and is confused when he sees other couples having normal conversations.

20. But the arguments do have occasionally have some productive ends – like Katsuro, Mana, Takara, and Norio.

21. And no, Kuukaku and Yamamoto don't really like the names, but they were the best they could both agree on.

22. And they had Unohana ripping her hair out by arguing (VERY loudly) over names in the Fourth Division.

23. It didn't help that when she gets mad, Kuukaku ends up saying 'fuck' about every other word.

24. Which would explain her children's mouths.

25. Hearing a three-year-old say "Holy fucking goddamn shit!" is a life-changing experience.

26. Ask Byakuya. He knows.

27. But seeing a three-year-old out-cuss the entire Eleventh Division is the most treasured memory anybody could ever have.

28. Especially if it's a little girl.

29. "It's not like they wouldn't have learned how to swear eventually," Yamamoto tells his vice-captain calmly.

"Sir, your children are out of control!" his vice-captain argued.

"No, they're not," Yamamoto replied, "You should see their mother discipline them. She's got them all absolutely terrified."

"Sir, your three-year-old daughter just out-swore the Eleventh Division!" was the protestation.

"Did she? Oh good, she's learning how to put them in their place already," Yamamoto replied, now devoting the majority of his attention to the mound of paperwork that was his office.

30. Yamamoto then went home and asked Kuukaku what his vice-captain's name was.

31. "He's your vice-captain and you don't even know his name?" Kuukaku asked with one raised eyebrow.

"I doubt that even Suìfēng knows his name," Yamamoto replied.

"Then you're fucked unless you ask him," Kuukaku told him dismissively.

32. Takara (the one that out-cussed the Eleventh Division) doesn't like making things go boom.

33. So Kuukaku drafted Norio to blow things up, as Katsuro had been corralled by Ganju and Mana didn't see the point of launching something up into the sky just to make some pretty lights.

34. In Mana's opinion, if you're going to blow something up, it should be for a good reason – like hurting people.

35. So Yamamoto and Kuukaku have a Ganju-wannabe, a serious sadist who knows more about blowing things up than she should, a foul-mouthed possible successor to Yamamoto, and a fireworks expert who likes dissecting things for fun.

36. And yes, Norio likes dissecting things.

37. He almost dissected Mayuri once, just to see how he worked inside, but his father's vice-captain showed up just in time to stop him.

38. "What's that guy's name?" Norio asked Takara as soon as he was deposited at home.

"Hell if I fucking know," Takara replied, "Hell if anybody fucking knows."

39. It then became Norio's task to find out the name of the First Division vice-captain.

40. After weeks of unsuccessful attempts, Takara growled, "Why the fucking goddamn hell don't you just fucking ask his damn ass?"

41. So Norio went and asked and found out that his name was Sasakibe Choujiro.

42. "I can't fucking believe I had to fucking tell him to go fucking ask," Takara muttered.

"You know, if you cursed less, you'd be a vice by now," Mana replied through a yawn.

"You know, if you killed people less, you could actually fucking live here," Takara shot back.

"I haven't killed that many!" Mana protested, "Only the ones that wouldn't leave Katsuro and Uncle Ganju alone, and those don't count!"

"I don't fucking see why the fuck Kaasan lets Katsuro hang the fuck out with Uncle Dumbshit," Takara muttered angrily.

43. Takara called Ganju 'Uncle Dumbshit' to his face, though most of the time she just calls him Dumbshit.

44. And then Katsuro says something like that she couldn't call him that, and that leads to a fist fight, which Norio and Mana almost always watch.

45. "And you sure Aniki's going to be okay?" Norio asks Mana.

"Oh, he'll be fine," Mana replies, "After a nice, long stay in the Fourth Division."

"Kaasan's going to be mad," Norio notes.

"At Ganju," Mana responds, "mainly because he's stealing her sake again."

'Aniki' is older brother. So, basically, Katsuro is getting his ass-kicked by Takara.


	33. Lavender

I feel sorry for Iemura…really, really sorry. I do. And you will, too, after this is all said and done.

If you play The Sims 2 (like I do), this was pretty much inspired by that game.

(This does not contain a pairing, just some randomness to the extreme)

1. Iemura finally got a chance to go the Living World after the war ended.

2. He didn't see what was so great about it, really.

3. Especially after he got abducted and anal-probed by aliens.

4. After that incident, Iemura immediately returned to the Seireitei and kept it to himself.

5. Well, himself and his diary.

6. Which means that Unohana found out about his abduction, so she forced him to have a thorough physically.

7. Which is how they found out he was pregnant.

8. Isane and Unohana played rock-paper-scissors to see who would inform him of his condition.

9. Isane lost, so she spent like the next five hours trying to calm down a hysterical Iemura.

10. This, of course, managed to get around the Seireitei.

11. And what everybody said is that Isane had somehow managed to get Iemura pregnant.

12. It didn't help that the kid came out with lavender skin.

13. There was then this huge debate over if she was lavender or silver.

14. Which led to a debate over what color Isane's hair really was.

15. It doesn't help the fact that Fujiro likes to cling to Isane.

16. Seeing that just makes people think that somehow Isane really did impregnate Iemura to produce Fujiro, whose skin color is the result of her father's hair color (because Isane would be the father).

17. And then Iba came around to the Fourth Division and said something along the lines of Isane should be proud for impregnating Iemura.

18. Now, Unohana happened to be right there drinking her tea.

19. As soon as Iba had finished making his comment, Unohana threw her tea at him, shouting something about "MY Isane!"

20. Of course, she then got up and bitched slapped him so hard his sideburns came off.

21. She then caught her tea and went back to demurely sitting there and drinking it.

22. Fujiro just sort of sat there and laughed at the sight.

23. Her mommy (that's what she calls Iemura) then told her that she needed to leave Isane alone.

24. Fujiro, though upset, did find someone else to use as the main female role-model in her life.

25. What Suìfēng wanted to know was why she was purple.

26. "I'm not purple, I'm lavender!" Fujiro huffed, "It's like saying you have short hair!"

27. Suìfēng gave her the victory.

28. And Fujiro came back day after day after _day_.

29. Eventually Suìfēng got used to Fujiro – she even got used to be called kaa-sama.

30. "Kaa-sama," Fujiro said, "why does everyone think I'm Isane's baby?"

"Because you're lavender," Suìfēng answered.

"But how can a girl impregnate a boy?" Fujiro persisted, "Isn't that the wrong way around?"

"Who cares," Suìfēng muttered, "I'm just surprised they stuck with Isane. There are plenty of other people around here with lavender hair."

"It's probably just a bunch of morons who should be doing paperwork but don't have the brains to realize it anyway," Fujiro stated.

Suìfēng smiled at her and ruffled her hair.

31. Fujiro then ran off to jump on Ohmaeda, who then started screaming for his captain to save him from 'Isane's crazy child'.

32. Unohana happened to be coming by to talk to Suìfēng and she heard Ohmaeda's remark, so she bitch slapped him so hard she killed the only brain cell he had to begin with.

33. "That was odd," Suìfēng muttered.

"Oh, that was nothing," Fujiro assured her, "You should've seen her bitch slap Iba! That was the best!"

"Really?" Suìfēng asked, "I thought she never hurt anybody."

"She's extremely jealous," Fujiro said.

"Jealous? Of what?" Suìfēng questioned, nudging Ohmaeda with her foot.

"Let's just say she doesn't like it when people say that Isane's involved with someone else," Fujiro replied.

"Huh," said Suìfēng, "And here I pegged Isane for the jealous one."

34. Iemura doesn't pay much attention to his daughter, as every time he looks at her, he remembers being anal-probed.

35. So she pretty much runs wild, except that Suìfēng has begun reining her in.

36. If Suìfēng is the disciplinarian in your child's life, you can expect the kid to get some wild punishments.

37. For some wild things.

38. So Fujiro practically became (for lack of a better example) the Second Division's Yachiru.

39. Except better trained, less focused on getting candy, and with more free time on her hands (whenever her mommy came and made her go back to the Fourth Division or Suìfēng was out on a mission).

40. She also is picked on more for her lavender skin than Yachiru is for her pink hair – not that anyone would pick on Yachiru, thanks to Kenpachi.

41. So Fujiro's hobby is randomly annoying people for candy, it's hurting people for making fun of her.

42. The best is when she got that moron with the 69 tattoo on his face to fall through a roof while he was shunpo'ing.

43. He fell in the whole, but as he was still shunpo'ing as he went down, he went about three feet forward while still in the roof.

44. It was up to Suìfēng to tell her not to do things like that as, by that point in time, Iemura was totally afraid of his kid.

45. "So, I can still do these things just as long as I don't get caught?" Fujiro asked.

"Yes," Suìfēng said, "make them look like accidents, and don't sit there and laugh at them like a madwoman after you've succeeded. See it as a test more of your assassination skills."

"Okay," Fujiro said brightly.


	34. Make the Punishment fit the Crime

I feel totally unmotivated. Yep, totally unmotivated. Maybe it's because school starts tomorrow. Or maybe it's because the most recent bleach chapters have been about Mayuri! Anyway, back to my little crack story.

So, this is Unohana/Chad, because Chad needs love, and why not put the two quiet, stoic ones together? And then, this way, when Chad gets hurt, Unohana can just heal him and he'll be fine. Yes, I did recently read a fanfiction with these two in it.

Chad is DEAD. It makes my life easier. And then I don't have to worry about the fact that he's alive and she's not…

I have news: reviewsupdates. The more reviews I get, the more I update.

…Does anyone know how to lj-cut?

1. Chad's death involved saving others, just like everyone thought it would.

2. But when he got to the Seireitei, he didn't have any injuries or scars from his death. Just those he'd gained in life.

3. When he got to the Soul Society, he was surprised to find Unohana Retsu already looking for him.

4. "It's not a good idea for the taichou of the Fourth Division to be so distracted," he commented, later on.

"I would have been more distracted knowing you were out there and no one was looking," she replied.

"The others were already looking for me," he said with her listening to his voice rumbling in his chest.

"But it only meant something if I was looking for you," she responds, nestling deeper into his chest.

"Ah," he mutters, and then they are quiet again, for a time.

5. He never thought that he would their son in his arms.

6. Hideo was very much like his parents.

7. Nice and quiet and strong, but if you pissed him off, you were done.

8. So it's very good to know that it's almost impossible to piss him off.

9. Unless you make fun of his sisters.

10. So a good policy is to avoid Arisu, Kimiko, and Setsuko.

11. Which isn't very hard because Setsuko stays in the Fourth with her mother, Arisu is constantly with her father, and Kimiko…

12. Well, maybe it's not that easy.

13. Kimiko is a bit of a wanderer, but it's okay because Hideo is always watching after her, ready to protect her with his fists.

14. Especially as the Twelfth Division is always looking for new test subjects.

15. And everyone seems to forget how scary Unohana-taichou is when she's mad.

16. And they have no idea how scary Chad is when he's mad.

17. And they unfortunately found out, after they exhausted Hideo but let Kimiko escape.

18. Chad still had those arms plus his shinigami powers, and Unohana was there.

19. And very angry.

20. So Hideo was very quickly liberated from the Twelfth Division.

21. He then made it his life goal to protect people from the Twelfth Division, because they preyed on the weak and his parents had taught him to look after the weak.

22. This often meant that he had to break into the Twelfth and set people free.

23. In a few years, the Twelfth ran out of test subjects.

24. Okay, so it took more like a few months because Kimiko started helping him.

25. Mayuri was never one to be put off, so he just started testing on people in his division.

26. Eventually, everyone died or transferred out of his division (Ikkaku kidnapped Nemu so he couldn't test her to death) so then Mayuri moved on to testing on himself.

27. He eventually managed to kill himself.

28. And then Yamamoto-soutaichou had to replace the entire Twelfth Division.

29. Because it was Hideo's fault he currently didn't have a Twelfth Division, he put Hideo in charge of the Twelfth Division.

30. That was not such a good plan on Yamamoto-soutaichou's part.

31. Not because Hideo is unscientific and hates experiments, but because he is scientific and likes experiments, and was encouraged to experiment by his mother who hoped he would find new cures for things.

32. So the Twelfth Division made a comeback…with slips asking for permission to be tested on.

33. The Twelfth Division became Kimiko's favorite haunt; she often went there to help her brother come up with fun new things.

34. She came up with quite a few things herself, so that when she became a shinigami, she joined the Twelfth Division with her big brother.

35. This is the kid that would randomly mix chemicals together to see if they would blow up.

36. Setsuko mainly stayed with Chad and learned how to cook Mexican food.

37. When she got older, she branched out and learned how to cook new things, like Japanese food. From her mother. And also Italian.

38. So she was stolen by the Eleventh Division because they needed somebody who could actually cook to feed them.

39. She managed to cow them all into subservience very soon after her arrival.

40. Except for Yachiru, who she got to behave by promising cakes and cookies and that sort of thing.

41. Arisu was fairly normal.

42. She stayed in the Fourth Division and learned how to heal people.

43. And then she went into the Fourth Division when she became a shinigami.

44. It was a good thing, too, because then she could help Hideo with healing the people he'd cut open (with their permission, of course).

45. And they lived happily ever after. Well, except for the people Hideo couldn't get to the Fourth Division in time.


	35. Cry Like A Straight Man

I need a life. Seriously. But whatever. On to the crack! I mean, that's why you're all here, isn't it? Surely you don't come for the crap I say at the beginning of these things! That would be rather…you know what, I'm not even going to finish that sentence.

So I realized that this place doesn't let you post websites in the stories, so none of you know where my book is. Watch this cheating action: fictionpress. com. Just remove the space and you'll be fine. Same name as I use here. Run by the same people, too.

The last few days I've been distracted by that little project, and making my Bleach OC's. Ones without parents from the current cast (I have a bajillion of those, I prefer not to think about it), and they don't live in the Seireitei. Everyone makes OC's and then has them be captains. Mine don't even live in the Seireitei, though perhaps they could be captains, if they wanted to, but they don't. They live in the Rukongai's worst districts and trade Kuukaku sake for explosive powder, and make gates to the Human World and Hueco Mundo. That's their entire life. Or just about. XD. They're a bunch of nutcases. Eventually I'll let them insult Kisuke's hat. Even though one of them wears aviator goggles. Much more useful than a hat (and they have a POINT. She wears them for a REASON).

Anyway, this is my favorite pedo-bait (read: Hitsugaya Toushirou) and Yoruichi! In the next one, I think I'll be screwing with poor little Ichigo's head again. Because it's Ichigo and I can! You know, I show my love for Bleach by torturing the characters. It's so much fun.

1. Yoruichi, knowing that animals have an easier time of pregnancies than humans, decided to spend the entire pregnancy in cat form.

2. This lead to four children instead of one.

3. "In retrospect, that probably wasn't a good plan," Toushirou told her. There was a silence. "Are you listening to me!?"

"Aw, you're still blushing!" Yoruichi put in, "So cute!"

"Could we focus less on the blushing and more on the naming?" Toushirou fumed, which caused Yoruichi's grin to widen.

"Sure!" she said happily.

4. Their eldest child was Kenta.

5. After Kenta, there was Masaru.

6. Masaru was followed by Hideki.

7. And lastly, there was Sayuri.

8. In all, they had three boys and one girl.

9. And all three of the boys ended up with brown hair. Hooray for genetics!

10. And Sayuri? She has mainly white hair with purple streaks in it.

11. Which means she has the best qualities of her parents' personalities.

12. This means that she was the dominant quadruplet.

13. She also has no problem sacrificing one of her brothers to Matsumoto's chest.

14. Her brothers who are almost completely normal, except for the fact that they can turn into cats.

15. In fact, they were all born as cats.

16. But Sayuri has the most control over the ability.

17. That's not a good thing.

18. She uses it to do horrible things to her brothers.

19. "We seriously need to cut her sugar intake or something," Yoruichi mutters, watching her only daughter.

"I don't think it will help," Toushirou grumbles, also watching their daughter.

"Why not?" Yoruichi asks.

"She's got your sense of humor," he tells her, very carefully not looking at her.

"And that very serious face of yours," Yoruichi adds, turning onto her stomach.

Right about then, Toushirou blushes because he looked at Yoruichi. So she then turned to making fun of him.

20. Yoruichi's main job as a mother is rescuing her children from Matsumoto's cleavage.

21. Or rather, rescuing her sons from Matsumoto's cleavage. Sayuri is quite fine on her own.

22. Her mother admits this is not a good sign.

23. Her father says that it means she'll probably be a captain.

24. "So does that mean that my brothers will be captains?" Sayuri asks one day.

"No," Yoruichi says with a yawn, "They're not crazy, nor are they pedophiles."

"I don't get it," Sayuri admits to her mother.

"I'll explain when you're older," Yoruichi promises.

25. The boys do get weirder as they get older, though.

26. Kenta became a pervert.

27. Masaru admitted he was gay.

28. Hideki became obsessed with flying.

29. Sayuri thought they were morons no matter what they did and enjoyed playing with their heads.

30. Until her mother came and dragged her away while distracting her with kidou, shunpo and that sort of thing.

31. In retrospect, Yoruichi admits that it wasn't a good idea.

32. But at least she was occupied while Yoruichi and Toushirou rushed to the Execution Hill to stop Hideki from jumping off.

33. And then they had to go stop Kenta from sexually harassing anything female that moved and keep him away from Shunsui (who wanted to make him his protégé).

34. Masaru was quite content to learn how to shunpo from his sister, making it easier to run away from everyone who wanted to tease him for being gay.

35. Eventually, Sayuri taught him how to defend himself.

36. It was a bad day for the Shinigami Academy when she did that.

37. And even though Sayuri taught him some kidou, Masaru went into the Eleventh Division.

38. Where he became Yumichika's best friend.

39. They occasionally invited Sayuri to join them.

40. She always did, as she thought it was hilarious watching them mock grown men for being straight so hard that their victims cried.

41. "Why do you go out with Masaru and not me!?" Kenta whined in a voice from Shunsui.

"Because you're annoying," Sayuri told him, "And you point out all women, not men. I'm interested in men, like Masaru."

"So you go trolling for hot guys with your gay brother?" Kenta asked in a tone that was slightly mocking.

"And his gay buddy, too," Sayuri reminded him, "You can't forget Yumichika – he's important."

42. Kenta was then kicked in the face by his younger sister for his mocking tone and the fact that he whistled at someone who had just walked by.

43. "Hey, Masaru, we have to run," Sayuri informed her brother one night when they were out trolling for hot guys with Yumichika.

"But why!?" Masaru demanded, "It's just getting fun!"

"Hideki's trying to fly again," Sayuri said.

"Damn," Masaru muttered as he wandered after his sister.

44. "Hideki," Sayuri said patiently, "You can't fly."

"Maybe if I try hard enough!" Hideki said, looking intensely like his father concentrating.

"Maybe if you build some sort of contraption that you sit in that flies for you," Masaru put in.

Hideoki then ran off to make plans.

Sayuri glared at Masaru. "What!?" Masaru asked, "At least now he'll stop jumping off of things!"

"Good point," Sayuri said, and they both went off to find Yumichika again.

45. Hideki succeeded in having the first successful flying mechanism in the Soul Society. He then had to run away from the Twelfth Division, who wanted to draft him.

He ran straight to Sayuri and Masaru…and Yumichika.


	36. Hat And Its Purpose

Attack of the OC's! Yeah, I just couldn't resist. This is horrible. But it's hilarious! It just cracks me up! But it didn't come out like I thought about it… (Pouts) But it's still funny. Right?

"There's no need to worry!" Urahara Kisuke assured Suìfēng, Shihouin Yoruichi, Abarai Renji, Kurosaki Ichigo, Kuchiki Rukia, Inoue Orihime, Ishida Uryuu, and Chad, "I've gotten more help!"

"More help?" Yoruichi asked with a raised eyebrow, "We've already tapped every source available to us. Who else could you possibly convince to join us? Some arrancar?"

"No!" Kisuke replied with a bright grin, "But an untapped source of –"

Right then, the shoji slammed open to reveal an obviously just awoken (and very disgruntled) Sakura. Kisuke stopped mid-sentence to look at her, as did everyone else. They all sort of stared, though Kisuke was mentally planning where to re-begin his speech.

"And you are?" Suìfēng asked.

Sakura looked at her, decided that she didn't need to know, and turned to Kisuke. "Hey, pedophile," she started.

"WHAT!?" went just about everyone in the room. Sakura was the only person who didn't.

"Why are you calling him a pedophile?" Ichigo asked while scooting away from Kisuke.

Sakura ignored Ichigo, and the rest of them, and continued to address Kisuke. "Hey, pedophile," she began again, and this time no one interrupted her, "if that ugly boy of yours wakes me up again to do chores, you'll be needing a new little boy to molest." And then she slammed the shoji shut again and went back to bed.

"What the hell?" Renji says, turning to Kisuke, "Pedophile!?"

"That's so wrong," Suìfēng mutters.

"Which part?" Yoruichi asks.

"All of it," Suìfēng responds.

"Pedophile? Urahara-san?" Orihime ponders.

"Okay, that's just weird," Rukia admits.

"Pe-ped-PEDOPHILE!?" Ichigo shouts, pointing at Kisuke.

The shoji slammed open again, this time revealing an obviously just awoken, very angry Huījú. "What the hell is with all of the fucking racket?" she demanded.

"Some random person just walked in and called Urahara-san a pedophile!" Orihime told her brightly.

"That is what this is all about? Pathetic," Huījú grumbled.

"Yeah, it's totally weird that someone would call Kisuke a pedophile," Yoruichi said, with a relieved grin.

Huījú just sort of stared at her. "It's weird to call a pedophile a pedophile? Since when?"

"He's really a pedophile?" Renji asked while pointing at Kisuke.

"Of course he is," Huījú said, "You see that really ugly hat of his? What purpose does it serve?"

"To be ugly," Suìfēng responded swiftly.

"Aw, that's so mean, Soi-chan!" Kisuke pouted.

"Shut up, pedophile," Huījú snapped at Kisuke, and then turned to Suìfēng, "Trust me, the hat serves a purpose, other than being ugly."

"Unlike Oosagi-chan's goggles!" Kisuke put in.

Huījú stopped to give him a death-glare, which actually managed to make him hide behind his fan. "I'd like to take this moment to point out that ceros are incredibly bright and if Oosagi didn't have those goggles she'd be blind," Huījú said darkly, "But the point of that ugly-ass hat is to attract little kids, because they like the hat and they don't think anyone wearing it could be that bad. And haven't you noticed the damn kids in this shop never age? It's because he likes having easily molestable targets in sight. And trust me, he molests them. They have all of the classic signs."

"Huījú-chan!" Kisuke pouted.

"If you ever call me Huījú-chan again, I swear I'll shove that fan of yours straight up your ass and then let Oosagi cero your shop to smithereens. I'm going back to bed now." And the shoji slammed closed again.

"Is that your help?" Yoruichi queried after a few moments of uncomfortable silence.

"Yes…" Kisuke muttered, "That is who I've recruited to help us."

"Huh," said Suìfēng, "I like them already."

Okay, a few facts. Huījú, Sakura, and Oosagi are my OC's, and yes, Oosagi wears aviator goggles. Oosagi is the random genius who somehow harvests ceros and uses them as a power source (and as weapons). That's about all you need to know. Except that Oosagi probably slept through all of this.


	37. Poetry For The Wild

It's time to screw around with Ichigo! Hooray! Okay, maybe not really. So I know I said that I wanted an equal amount of yaoi and yuri pairings, so this is the yaoi pairing I've been meaning to do. It's Byakuya/Ichigo, from the picture on deviantART where Rukia is showing a picture to Ichigo of Ichigo marrying Byakuya (if you know what I'm talking about, that picture is made of AWESOME).

1. At their wedding, Ichigo was the one in the dress.

2. There had been an argument about this, but as Byakuya was seme, he got to wear the suit.

3. Ichigo pouted about it, but as Byakuya finds pouting Ichigo sexy, he didn't get to for long.

4. Then entered the problem that Ichigo has Isshin's lovely shinigami genes, so he can have babies.

5. So Ichigo holed himself up in the Kuchiki estate, as it was rather embarrassing to be pregnant.

6. It was a wonderful plan, except Rukia liked annoying him by getting gushy over his pregnant belly and drawing pictures of what his and Byakuya's baby would look like.

7. He was not amused by the fact that she kept drawing little girls.

8. And then they actually had a little girl.

9. "What the hell?" was Ikkaku's response to the squirming little female baby bundle.

"Aw, she's so cute!" Yumichika said, cooing and cuddling the baby.

"I blame Rukia for jinxing us by drawing all of those pictures of us with little girls," Ichigo muttered.

"Maybe you'll get luckier the next time," Renji said, trying to get a good look at the newest Kuchiki. Ichigo glared at him. "What?" Renji asked.

"Never mind, just give me my daughter back!" Ichigo said.

10. Byakuya, of course, was a doting father to his little Aoi.

11. She got named Aoi because she came out with black hair with a blue sheen.

12. She has bright green eyes, though.

13. Her favorite as a little child was sleeping on her otousan's lap while he worked.

14. Most people learned not to bother Byakuya if he had Aoi sleeping on his lap.

15. He is very protective of Aoi. Mayuri once looked at her, so Byakuya kicked his ass.

16. As she grew older, Aoi's favorite pastime became calligraphy.

17. And ink paintings with poetry on them.

18. Yes, Aoi writes poetry.

19. She also uses it to insult people.

20. It goes over most people's heads.

21. Especially people who currently are or who have ever been in the Eleventh Division.

22. Oh, and Ichigo lucked out the next time, too.

23. They had another little girl.

24. Byakuya named this one Mariko.

25. She's got Ichigo's bright orange hair and Byakuya's eyes.

26. She likes to hang around Ichigo, who really doesn't know what to do with her.

27. But that's okay. Yumichika does.

28. Especially as he's expecting his own child with Ikkaku.

29. And yes, Ikkaku's the pregnant one.

30. Yumichika wants a little girl so that Mariko has a playmate.

31. Ikkaku and Ichigo are both disturbed by this idea, as Yumichika is a guy wanting to have a little girl with another guy.

32. Aoi taught Mariko calligraphy, or tried to, but then Mariko told her she didn't like doing calligraphy.

33. So, instead, Aoi makes pictures for Mariko to hand on her wall, as Mariko really likes Aoi's pictures.

34. She also likes watching Aoi make the pictures, humming softly to herself and occasionally chanting some poetry.

35. Just in case you're wondering, Aoi and Byakuya speak to each other _entirely_ in prose. Their favorite form is haiku, but occasionally they branch out into something like the sonnet.

36. Ichigo's totally lost, but Mariko (from spending so much time with her sister) can follow what they're saying most of the time.

37. Mariko, however, prefers climbing trees and getting dirty.

38. While Aoi is refined and poised, Mariko is a little wild child, splashing through puddles and falling out of trees and throwing rocks at people who say nasty things about her family.

39. But not matter how dirty she gets, or how hurt she is, or how much trouble she gets into, she can always count on Aoi to come and help her.

40. Aoi has no problem cleaning her little sister, or wiping away her tears, or explaining the problem to their Otousan so he sides with Mariko.

41. She also has no problem singing Mariko to sleep when she's had a nightmare.

42. Byakuya, for his part, begins to teach Mariko the martial arts much younger than he did Aoi.

43. Mariko loves it, and Aoi often joins them in the mornings, before she goes off to do her painting.

44. But what Mariko loves most about when Aoi joins them is that her sister and her Otousan speak in prose, and Maiko loves the sound.

45. She also likes spending time with Ikkaku and Yumichika's daughter. They're great friends.


	38. Rukongai For The Win!

My lovely, random Bleach OC's! Yeah, I'm sure nobody cares, but still! I enjoyed created them.

Name: Huījú (Chinese for 'Gray Chrysanthemum')

Surname: Kŏng

Age: About the same as Shihouin Yoruichi, Kisuke Urahara, and Shiba Kuukaku, except that she appears much younger, more like Ichigo's age.

Height: 5'11.5" (five feet elven and half inches)

Hair Color: Dark Brown, but with silver tips. She wears it back in a ponytail all the time.

Eye Color: Dark blue

Quote: "The reason that most shinigami fail to find bankai is simple. They become too reliant on their blades, and so become weak. This weakness makes them unable to achieve that which they seek so strongly."

Reiatsu Class: Captain

Specialty: Huījú is mainly a hand-to-hand fighter, having mastered several forms of martial arts, though

she is also gifted with various types of swords, making it easier for her to find a form that will beat her opponent (and making it more difficult for her opponent to win). Huījú is a strategist, above all else, and can, within a few minutes of fighting, pin down her opponent's style and actually begin to predict their moves. This, coupled with her zanpakutou, makes her almost impossible to beat.

However, Huījú is not great at kidou. Her kidou skills in fighting are just above average, though she excels at restraint, defensive, and even healing kidou. She uses her zanpakutou to nullify this weakness, though she has found a way to use healing kidou in an offensive way.

Zanpakutou: Tyrant of Shapeshifters

_Release_: Shake the world's foundations, Tyrant of Shapeshifters

_Commands_: Shift, Split

_Appearance_: In sealed form, Tyrant of Shapeshifters appears as a jian which has a round guard of a snake running around the outside and a sheath that ends in a snake head. After it is released, Tyrant of Shapeshifters prefers to take the shape of a black snake that wraps itself around Huījú. As Huījú rarely seals Tyrant, it also takes the appearance of a tattoo of a black snake on Huījú's torso.

_Abilities_: Tyrant of Shapeshifters has several abilities, the first of which is that it can identify the types of _sealed_ zanpakutous. The second, and probably most important, is that it can split a limited number of times without decreasing its power, which goes hand-in-hand with the fact that Tyrant of Shapeshifters can actually change its shape, meaning that Huījú's opponents can end up fighting three different Huījús who are using three different swords and therefore three different styles. Tyrant of Shapeshifters and Huījú also share a sort of telepathic link.

_Bank__ai_: Tyrant of Reality

In bankai form, Tyrant of Shapeshifters becomes like scaled armor along Huījú's right arm, and gives Huījú control of her surroundings (to a point) and her own body. Therefore, in bankai form, Huījú can heal her wounds as they're being inflicted.

Tyrant of Shapeshifters also has a final form, which Oosagi has hinted that it gives Huījú ultimate control of what's going on around her, and that she could use it to change the tide of a battle, or even a war. But Oosagi has also hinted that it's not a form that Huījú takes often because it is so powerful, and that it is very difficult to give up that power.

Other Notes: Huījú seems to possess more patience that any one person should have, as well as having a rather wicked sense of humor. She seems to get some sort of sick pleasure out of watching Sakura and Oosagi fight, as well as having the ability to organize people and convince them to follow her, which no one can seem to explain. She is a strategist, with a very calculating persona, but the people she leads love her and would follow her to hell, though she is very honest and doesn't hide a single part of her persona and is very open with how she feels. She also happens to be friends with Kuukaku, with whom the place that she runs has a trade agreement (sake – and lots of it – for explosive powder).

Huījú is also rather odd that she did not actively seek the name of her zanpakutou, but rather choose to prove that she didn't need her zanpakutou or its name to survive, instead using kidou and melee skills to survive. She did occasionally use her then-nameless zanpakutou, but not very often. The only reason she sought the name of Tyrant of Shapeshifters is because finding its name was the only way to get Kuukaku to agree to trade with her. Because of this, it took Huījú very little time to find her bankai.

Name: Sakura

Surname: (unknown)

Age: About the same age as Huījú, though she is either slightly younger or older, as Huījú has said, "We are not the same age, she and I."

Height: 5'11"

Hair Color: Light Blonde

Eye Color: Violet

Quote: "Where we live, you couldn't not learn kidou and survive."

Reiatsu Class: Captain

Specialty: Sakura is a sword fighter, relying mainly on her zanpakutou, though she is also known for her speed. Her kidou skills are another one of her strengths, as she seems to have just about mastered most of the offensive kidou arts, as well as barrier making, a majority of the defensive arts, and some healing. Sakura is also unusually strong (she picks up random things and throws them). She may have even developed a technique close to shunkou (Huījú often hints that she has), but if so, she hasn't used in battle yet.

Zanpakutou: House of Flames

_Release_: Burn all knowledge to nothing, House of Flames

_Commands_: House of Flames' commands are all similar, along the lines of 'Teach them to laugh', 'teach them to scream', or 'teach them to cry'. There are a variety of commands along these lines, but those three are the ones Sakura uses the most frequently.

_Appearance_: Sealed, House of Flames appears as a slightly too-long katana with a tsuba shaped like a flame and a red-and-orange handle that ends in a flame. When it releases, the blade turns orange and red and looks like flickering flame, while Sakura gains wings and a crown of fire. The flame at the end of its handle becomes real.

_Abilities_: Obviously, House of Flames is a fire-type zanpakutou, and though the wings seem silly, they are actually the main power of the sword (and Sakura can fly), but they can also change shape to attack her opponent, as well as House of Flames having flame attacks. The flame on the end of the sword can be extended to make a rope of flame

_Bankai_: World of Flames

When Sakura releases her bankai, she and the sword are immediately enveloped in flames and she can direct the flames to attack with very small movements, which means her opponent doesn't really know what's going on.

There is no sign that Sakura has found House of Flames' final form, or that she is actively seeking it in anyway. Power is not Sakura's main objective. And her excuse is that she's powerful enough as it is.

Other Notes: Sakura has a short temper, and Oosagi always seems to be on her bad side, so there's this constant back and forth between them, but they actually do get along. She's also a serious pyromaniac, which both Oosagi and Huījú use to their advantage. She also somehow manages to have some ninja skills, even though she is basically a samurai. Both Huījú and Oosagi admit that it was Sakura who figured out how to break into the Seireitei without blasting a hole in the wall (which Oosagi can do).

Name: Oosagi

Surname: (unknown)

Age: Slightly younger than Huījú

Height: 5'8"

Hair Color: Bright Orange

Eye Color: Green-Gray

Quote: "Stupid lives longer than smart."

Reiatsu Class: Captain

Specialty: Oosagi is a kidou specialist, though she doesn't often use that kind of skill in battle. She is considered a kidou master, but what Oosagi spends most of her time doing is building things, like gates. She has at least two definite gates built (one to the Living World, the other to Hueco Mundo), and found a way to harvest ceros and use them as an energy source. She also builds other things, mainly things that run on ceros, like machinery. She does not, however, experiment with anything living. But she does make gigais. Very impressive gigais.

Zanpakutou: Dark Flood

_Release:_ Kull the flock, Dark Flood

_Commands_: Condense, stretch, freeze, invade, float

_Appearance_: Sealed, Dark Flood appears as a normal zanpakutou with a water drop for a tsuba. After it is released, it appears as spheres of water connected by a chain (making it effectively a long-range whip-like weapon), as well as there being several unattached spheres floating around Oosagi. Oosagi can turn those spheres into spikes by using the command 'freeze', or make it into an ice-blade by using the command 'condense'. She can also have the chain dissolve, leaving only free-floating by using the command 'float'.

_Abilities_: Obviously, Dark Flood functions as a whip, allowing Oosagi to bash through enemies rather quickly. It is also water-type, and can become a short-range weapon as need be. But Dark Flood's most notable power is that it allows Oosagi to control her opponent by using the command 'invade', where one of the water spheres enters her opponent and gives her control. She can also turn the spheres into a whole bunch of little, sharp icicles, up to something like ten thousand (simply by getting more water or making them smaller).

_Bankai_: Oosagi doesn't need no stinkin' bankai. She carries around ceros to blast people with instead. She probably does have a bankai (just to stop people from pestering her to find it), but she doesn't use it.

Other Notes: Oosagi acts like a complete scatterbrain. Whether or not she is, no one's quite sure (except for maybe Huījú, but then, it's Huījú). She does, however, constantly wear aviator goggles, which the other two use to hurt her. She also likes randomly hugging both of them and blowing things up. Sakura claims that one of her favorite pastimes is falling off of things. Almost every day, she manages to get chased around by Sakura, and this usually ends with Sakura trying to drown her in the closest body of water. Right about then, Huījú shows up and stops her. Or something along those lines.

Name: Hóng and Huáng (Chinese for red and yellow)

Surname: N/A

Age: Very young, something like a century.

Height: Varies

Hair Color: Hóng: Green, Huáng: Purple

Eye Color: Hóng: Red, Huáng: Yellow

Quote: "We belong to Huījú-sama."

Reiatsu Class: N/A

Specialty: N/A

Zanpakutou: N/A

Other Notes: Hóng and Huáng are pieces of Huījú's zanpakutou, Tyrant of Shapeshifters, made while she was in bankai mode. Unlike other pieces of Tyrant of Shapeshifters that Huījú has created, they can't be reabsorbed by Tyrant of Shapeshifters but rather exist as separate, free-thinking entities. Why exactly they exist only Huījú and Oosagi know for sure. They can change their age, but usually appear as twelve-year-olds (they're both female, by the way). They possess some of the qualities of Tyrant of Shapeshifters, like being able to make weapons practically out of thin air. They cannot, however, disobey Huījú in anything, whether it be a conscious or subconscious command, as with Tyrant of Shapeshifters, Huījú has a telepathic link with the pair. Hóng and Huáng also share a telepathic link of some sort, which they use to complete each other's sentences. They never speak a full sentence by themselves.

Hóng and Huáng have red and yellow eyes because these, coupled with Huījú's blue eyes, make up the three primary colors. Their hair colors are those colors that are their eye colors' opposite on the color wheel. They can actually change their skin tone, but they mainly prefer to stay death pale. They don't do this to scare people, as they don't truly have emotions, as they're not really alive nor are they people.

Name: Erikoto

Surname: Fujino

Age: She's a century or two younger than Huījú, Sakura, and Oosagi.

Height: 5'2"

Hair Color: Black

Eye Color: Hazel

Quote: "I know you're not getting hurt."

Reiatsu Class: Captain

Specialty: Healing. Erikoto is almost solely a healer, though she does have some offensive/defensive kidou skills going on.

Zanpakutou: Erikoto doesn't have a zanpakutou. She claims she's too busy healing everyone (especially our good friends Huījú, Sakura, and Oosagi) to bother getting one, because then she'd have to learn its name and all of that. However, Huījú, Sakura, and Oosagi (and just about everyone else that has ever had to be healed by Erikoto) claims she's scary enough without it.

Other Notes: Erikoto has chased the other three around with a frying pan. She's got a worse temper than Sakura, which helps to her scariness. It's like Unohana Retsu without any patience. She has been known to tie patients to their beds to make sure they don't get up and leave. She's also about the only one that can hold her ground in arguments against either Huījú or Oosagi (most people can argue with one but not the other).

That's about it for now. I think my favorite is probably Erikoto, because she's kickass without a zanpakutou. I also like Oosagi, because she's a nutcase.


	39. Please Tell Me It Doesn't Say That

Why is this here? Because somebody thought I would pair my perfectly good OC's with real Bleach characters!!! Obviously, I didn't give you enough information about them. They live deep in the Rukongai, where the shinigami don't go because it's so horrible, and it's like a confederation of those districts...okay, think of it as something like the Gotei-13, just run by Huiju (to lazy to make accent marks, so sue me!), with help from Erikoto, Sakura, and Oosagi. Basically, Huiju sees no reason for people with high reiatsu levels (like herself) to go to the Shinigami Academy because the shinigami don't do anything for the Rukongai except cause trouble, and so she somehow convinced these people to follow her and actually takes care of them. Huiju's people actually kill more hollows in the Soul Society than shinigami (which is sad). But the part that really matters is that Huiju attracts more people with high-level reiatsu than the Shinigami Academy (which weakens the Seireitei), and Huiju, Erikoto, Oosagi, and Sakura want NOTHING to do with shinigami. Don't ask how Kisuke got mixed up with this bunch, but he got out of the Soul Society through Oosagi's gate to the Living World.

"What the hell are you doing?" Huījú asked as she entered the room that contained Sakura, Oosagi, and a computer. It was the computer part that Huījú wasn't sure about. The last time those two had been alone in a room with a computer, they'd managed to fuck up the world's economy.

"Nothing," Oosagi answered, and then Huījú knew they were up to something.

Huījú stood in the doorway and glared at them for a few minutes, taking joy in how they began to sweat before she tried again. "What the hell are you doing?" she demanded.

"Surfing the web," Sakura replied.

"Surfing the web for what, exactly?" Huījú queried, crossing her arms.

"We dunno," Oosagi said, "Whatever's interesting."

Huījú sighed and actually came into the room, closing the door behind her (Erikoto was still sleeping, after all). "Well?" she asked, "What have you found?"

Sakura turned to look at her. "Luckily, this computer has no 'favorites', so we haven't spent the entire morning looking a kiddy porn," she stated. Huījú closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. She remembered that morning clearly – it was the last time any of them had even _touched_ Kisuke's computer…though it had taken quite some time to convince Sakura not to destroy and give Kisuke to get a new one with a faster processor. They'd settled for riddling the machine with viruses.

"We found this stuff called fanfiction," Oosagi said happily, but then her expression clouded, "Although a whole bunch of people don't realize he's a pedophile."

"So what do they do with him?" Huījú asked, coming to sit down next to them.

"Well, they really seem to like pairing him with this weird woman with purple hair that turns into a cat," Oosagi told her, trying to drape herself over Huījú's lap as well as Sakura's.

"Her name's Yoruichi," Sakura put in while shoving Oosagi off her lap. Oosagi just pouted, before giving Huījú a tackling hug.

"The hell?" Huījú said as she pushed Oosagi off of her.

"I hadn't given you one yet today!" Oosagi told her happily, "Though that Yoruichi lady's pretty weird. They also like pairing her with the Second Division captain."

"The nin-nin midget?" Huījú said, "Well, we always knew she was gay."

"And just about everyone else they pair him with is a guy," Sakura muttered, "And yes, he's been paired with pedo-bait."

"What else have you done?" Huījú asked, shifting, trying to get away from Oosagi who was currently trying to use her as a pillow.

"We found tests!" Oosagi exclaimed excitedly, jumping out of Huījú's lap and towards the computer. Often, Oosagi's energy was absolutely exhausting – but right now, Huījú was glad it had gotten the hyperactive inventor out of her lap.

"Tests?" Huījú asked of Sakura.

"Yeah, tests," Sakura mumbled.

Before Sakura could get anything else out, Oosagi had excitedly turned back to Huījú and pulled her towards the computer screen. "Take this one!" she said, shoving Huījú towards the screen.

Huījú righted herself and began to click the little answer bubbles in a disgruntled way. Oosagi was humming happily behind her, and Sakura was muttering what sounded like curses. After she finished answering all the questions, she clicked the button that would lead to her answer.

It said this: "The person you are most likely to end up with in Bleach is…Shihouin Yoruichi!!!!!"

"End up with how?" Huījú demanded darkly, turning to glare at Oosagi.

"Holy shit, you got a girl!" Sakura said, "They gave me that freak with the eye-patch!"

"Isn't that…"Huījú looked at the computer screen. Purple hair, turns into a cat, named Yoruichi. The hell she'd end up with someone who was even remotely connected to Kisuke, especially in a sexual way. "We are _never_ going to the Seireitei. I refuse to meet these people."

"Half of them are pedophiles anyway," Sakura muttered.

Huījú then realized she was missing some information. "Who'd you get?" she asked Oosagi.

"Pedo-bait!" Oosagi answered happily.

"That is so wrong," Huījú muttered.

"Wronger than you ending up with a girl?" Sakura asked.

"Wronger isn't a word, moron," Huījú told her, neatly avoiding the question.


	40. Snip Snip, Buddy

I'm baaaaaaack…ish. Not really, but okay. I left my brain…somewhere. I think it's for sale in one of those really high-end furniture stores that only ever make one of anything. Yeah, I think that's where it is.

Anyway, this is Yoruichi/Kisuke, because I've been needing to write one since the second go-round (which, if you don't remember, is Suìfēng/Kenpachi, and they had five kids and she was pregnant but I was too lazy to have the kids born in that chapter…their other children were, in chronological order: Ichiro, Mika, Sumi, Akira and Etsu. Sumi and Akira will most likely make a comeback in this chapter…deal with it!)

My god! I gave the place Huījú runs eleven districts and then split each district down into three…that's like 44 more characters I have to make! Saaave meeee!!! And I would write a story for them, but I don't really have anything for them to do at the moment…

I do, however, know that one of them is going to be a ninja dude who's Chinese with long purple hair that hates Huījú for some odd reason – but he's going to suck at angsting!

Oh, and his hair will be dyed. And Sakura and Oosagi will make fun of him for it.

1. "You're going to have to tell Suìfēng," Kisuke told her, sitting (very wisely) across the table from a still very shell-shocked Shihouin Yoruichi.

"This is all your damn fault," she told him angrily, "I told you to wear a damn condom!"

"But you're on the pill!" Kisuke argued back, and then was hit full in the face with – you'll never guess – a frying pan!

2. Yoruichi did, however, go to tell Suìfēng that she was pregnant.

3. It was a good excuse to get away from Kisuke (who she was still mad at).

4. She was not expecting to find Suìfēng with two children and another one the way.

5. Nor was she expecting to find out that their father was none other than Zaraki Kenpachi.

6. So, obviously, Suìfēng didn't really care much the Yoruichi was pregnant.

7. "You could've come and told me!" Yoruichi pouted.

"You really think that Yamamoto-dono was going to let me out of the Seireitei pregnant?" Suìfēng asked, raising one eyebrow.

"What about after they were born?" Yoruichi pointed out.

"Uh, I had to raise them," Suìfēng replied, "And I think they thought that I would try to escape."

"Okay then…" Yoruichi said.

"The girl is Mika and the boy is Ichiro," Suìfēng informed her.

"Something tells me you named Ichiro and Kenpachi named Mika," Yoruichi mused aloud.

8. Yoruichi soon found out what Suìfēng meant by the raising them part.

9. Michiko was a handful.

10. "We are not having any more," Yoruichi growled at Kisuke while Michiko howled in Tessai's arms.

"But why?" Kisuke pouted.

11. Yoruichi just beat his ass until he agreed.

12. And by agreeing, I mean getting a vasectomy.

13. Michiko became friends with Ururu and made Jinta's life a living hell.

14. "Kaasan, what are you doing?" Michiko asked, watching her mother from over the back of a chair.

"I'm packing," Yoruichi told her daughter.

"Why?" Michiko asked, honestly wondering why.

"Don't you dare start that!" Yoruichi snapped.

"No, seriously, why are you packing?" Michiko asked.

"We're moving to the Seireitei," Yoruichi said with a sigh.

"Who's 'we'?" Michiko queried.

"You, me and Otousan," Yoruichi replied, and then stopped. "Wait, why are you asking that question?"

"I thought you might be leaving so I was going to beg you to take me with you," Michiko answered honestly.

"Why would you want to go with me?" Yoruichi wondered.

"You really think I want to be stuck here with Otousan and the closet gay-pervert-pedophile?" Michiko demanded with a raised brow.

15. Yoruichi conceded that her daughter had a point.

16. "What happened Kurotsuchi?" Yoruichi asked Kisuke.

"No one will tell me," Kisuke told her, looking around the (almost completely demolished) Twelfth Division.

17. It was that day that Michiko met Sumi.

18. Who already had her zanpakutou and was beating people with it.

19. Or rather, with its sheath.

20. She'd left her zanpakutou behind to make sure somebody stayed pinned to the damn tree she wanted him to be the hell pinned to.

21. Yeah…they hit it off right off the bat.

22. Michiko made sure that Sumi was clean before she took her to meet her mother.

23. Yoruichi thought the small child looked familiar, but couldn't place and said she was okay because, well, at least she was clean.

24. That got the response of: "She said I was okay, can I open my fucking mouth now?"

25. Yoruichi could place her after that. No problem.

26. "Why the fucking hell is your kaasan wearing my dumbass brother's fucking pants?" was the next thing that came out of Sumi's mouth.

27. "She has a habit of turning up naked," Michiko replied.

"So do my parents," Sumi grumbled, "And then my kaasan gets the hell pregnant again."

"So you don't like getting new siblings?" Yoruichi prodded.

"I happen to like my fucking siblings," Sumi snarled, "It's just that whenever kaasan gets pregnant, she's a fucking moody bitch."

28. "That's not very nice," Yoruichi finally managed to say a few minutes later.

"That's fucking fantastic," Sumi shot back, and then pointed at Ichiro's pants, "Now will fucking go take off my brother's fucking pants? It's fucking weird that you're wearing them."

29. "Are you worried my kaasan will corrupt your big brother?" Michiko teased when her mother was out of hearing range.

"Hell the fuck no," Sumi said diffidently, "Ichiro's more of a damn pansy that Yumichika."

30. That shut Michiko up.

31. "I wish I had siblings," Michiko pouted one day while hanging with Sumi (and Michiko was seriously hanging).

"Che," Sumi said, "You can share mine. I've got plenty."

32. And that's how Akira started hanging out with them.

33. And they started teaching the ancient art of how to be annoying and get away with it.

34. "We need to watch them more," Yoruichi commented to Kisuke one day, "And cut back on their sugar intake."

"What was that?" Kisuke asked, not looking up from his experiment.

35. So Yoruichi decided to ruin it.

36. Not that they really need to worry. Suìfēng punishes Michiko along with the rest of her children.

37. "I really hate doing your mother's fucking paperwork," Michiko muttered.

"I fucking said we needed to fuck with the supports on another damn building," Sumi grumbled back.

"Maybe if we can get under the fucking buildings and loosen the damn supports from there…" Akira mused.

"Not aloud," Michiko hissed.

38. But then Michiko, Sumi, and Akira discovered the library.

39. Oh yeah, everyone was happy when they started using that knowledge.

40. Sumi is now officially the smartest member of the Eleventh Division.

41. Though they do sit in the library for hours researching things.

42. Which gives the Seireitei time to recover between whatever it is they get up to.

43. Which is sometimes just messing with people's heads, using all the psychology they learned in the library.

44. This is a bad thing. A really bad thing.

45. "Why does everyone keep talking about us going to the Shinigami Academy?" Michiko asked while she used Sumi as a pillow.

"How the fucking hell should I damn well know?" Sumi grumbled back, "And why are you using me as a fucking pillow?"

"Because you're comfortable. Now shush, I want to get some sleep before we fuck with the First Division's heating system," Michiko muttered, snuggling even more into Sumi.

Sumi muttered some curses under her breath before settling down to wait for Akira to get back.

I was so seriously tempted to make Sumi and Michiko a couple, but I resisted. Very hard.

Anyway, I got me a new OC. His name be Fēngshí, and Oosagi calls him Feng Shui to get on his nerves. Oh yeah, this guy's going to be hysterical. No, he doesn't have a surname yet. I'm being lazy. And yes, he's a pretty boy.

So now I'm going to give you a dose of my OC's! Because I can, and this is hysterical.

One day in the Wángzhōu…

"You know," Oosagi said randomly.

"Oh shit," Sakura muttered to Huījú (who was actually doing work), "Here we go again."

"We're not very good anime characters," Oosagi continued.

"What?" Huījú started, a bit taken aback.

"We're not anime characters," Sakura pointed out.

"So why does Feng Shui have purple hair?" Oosagi asked.

"Because that emo-wannabe dyes his hair," Sakura informed her.

"Oh. Okay." And then Oosagi wandered off.

Huījú turned to Sakura, "I don't think you should've told her that."

"Probably not," Sakura shrugged, "And by the way, you're dripping ink on your paper."

"It's okay," Huījú replied, "This is going to Fēngshí."

The Next Day…

Huījú was carefully eating her breakfast when a very sleepy Sakura wandered up, staring blearily around. She slumped into a chair and turned to Huījú. "Damn, I'm tired," she managed to get out in a sleepy mumble.

"That's probably because Oosagi drugged you," Huījú said diffidently.

"What makes you say that?" Sakura demanded, rubbing her eyes vigorously, trying to wake herself up.

"Your hair's pink," Huījú informed Sakura calmly.

"What the hell!?" Sakura exploded, firmly awake now, and looking at her hair, "I'm going to kill her!"

"Don't worry, I have a plan," Huījú said, turning to watch a now lime-haired Oosagi approach, "And it's not like we can't just bleach it out."

"And now we have good anime hair!" Oosagi proclaimed with a happy grin, then frowned when she looked at Huījú. "What did you do? Your hair was so nice orange!"

"And that's why I have a bankai," Huījú said, "Though you're not a good anime character yet."

"I'm not?" Oosagi echoed, confused.

"No," Huījú answered, "You're wearing far too much clothing. Most anime girls barely wear more than their underwear, or they have it showing constantly."

"NOOOOO!!!" Oosagi shouted, and ran off to get hide in a corner.

"Let's go fix that hair," Huījú said, standing, only to find that Sakura had sacked out again.

The next time Sakura woke up, she was blonde again. And still pissed.

I'm wondering if I should make Erikoto and Huījú a couple, because they'd be hysterical together…


	41. Bald Heads and Evil Plots

Hey look! I'm still alive! Hooray! Let's all go…um, I don't know. Watch Bleach? Maybe not. We might have to sit through the Bountou arc!

So…I've begun posting all of the crap about my OC's on deviantART for all of those who are interested, and eventually there'll be a map. I've named all of the people in charge of the zhōu. And made up 'the Molester'…but if you want to know, you have to go to my deviantART account and read shit. Though there might be a chapter with some of my OC's and their children together. Which would be crazy.

Kenpachi and Retsu making babies. I think they're cute together!

I also think that Kenpachi makes lots of babies. He doesn't seem like the kind of guy to wear a condom.

And my deviantART name is the same as it is here…I use the same name everywhere…

1. "I think this means we have to stop annoying the Fourth Division," Ikkaku commented, watching his captain play with the little baby.

"Yes," Yumichika agreed, "but who cares? She's sooo cute! When's my turn to hold her!!"

"You're weird," Ikkaku muttered.

2. Yes, they did have to stop annoying the Fourth Division.

3. As doing so made Akemi cry.

4. Akemi crying Zaraki Kenpachi PAIN. LOTS OF PAIN.

5. SO MUCH PAIN, AND THE FOURTH DIVISION WON'T HELP YOU!!

6. Nobody, but _nobody_ makes Unohana Retsu's daughter cry.

7. Ask the people who Retsu got to before Kenpachi.

8. If there's enough of them left to ask.

9. Which there usually isn't.

10. Yachiru was not pleased at first, as it meant that she had competition, but now that Akemi is old enough to follow her around and ask Yachiru questions, Yachiru loves it.

11. It's so nice to be the older one for once, in Yachiru's opinion.

12. It means that there's two of them to gnaw on Ikkaku's nice, shiny head.

13. In fact, his head was Akemi's main teething tool.

14. Yumichika encouraged it, saying that it would bring Ikkaku and Akemi closer together.

15. All it did was give Ikkaku a new nickname: "Teething Ring".

16. That's all Akemi calls him, by the way.

17. Ikkaku is still mad at Yumichika about it, or he tries to be.

18. It's very hard to be mad at Yumichika.

19. Especially when he's cooing over Kenji.

20. Who was the next baby.

21. But it's okay, because Ikkaku bought him a real teething ring so he doesn't have to chew on Ikkaku's head.

22. And because Kenji's a boy, Akemi and Yachiru aren't particularly interested in him.

23. Which means that Ikkaku can teach him to have respect for other people…and their heads.

24. But that doesn't mean very much because he missed Akemi, who still comes out of nowhere and chews on Ikkaku's head.

25. She claims that it helps her think.

26. Kenji usually wanders off at about that time to do ink paintings.

27. He's very good at them.

28. But he can't write to save his life.

29. So he gets his older sister to do it for him.

30. Akemi often tells him that he just needs to sit down and learn his characters, but Kenji doesn't have a long enough attention span.

31. Though he can sit and play with Takayuki and Nao, their younger twin brothers.

32. Eventually, Akemi gets fed up with him and ties him to a chair until he learns his characters.

33. Takayuki and Nao, seeing this, decide that they will have enough patience to learn their characters.

34. They also live in fear of Akemi for the rest of their lives.

35. But they figure if they think Akemi is scary, than other people must think she's scary, too.

36. So they use her for intimidation purposes.

37. Especially against Ikkaku.

38. They think he's scary because his head is so shiny he must be evil.

39. Kenji thinks that's hysterical.

40. They would also think that Kenji was evil, but as he's in the Fourth Division, he can't be because the Fourth Division is for humanitarians and humanitarians aren't evil.

41. Ikkaku just wants to know why they don't think that Yumichika is evil.

42. Surely the eyebrow counts for something, and he can sparkle at will!

43. Of course, all of that sparkling makes the twins think he's awesomely good, so when Akemi's not around, they go running to Yumichika to protect them from "the evil bald man!"

44. Yachiru finds this hysterical.

45. Retsu tries very hard to convince her children that Ikkaku isn't evil, but Kenpachi just tells her they'll grow out of it…or they'll kill Ikkaku.

Note: I am sick and hopped up on cold medications, so if this seems weird, that's why.


	42. Seriously, WHAT?

OHSHYT! UPDATE!

Yeah, okay, this is the first update in a long time. I'm not dead – though people have been trying. I would like to say that more reviews make more updates. Even though I haven't accomplished anything, it makes me feel better to know that people like it (if that makes any sense). Especially as less than a tenth of a percent of you ACTUALLY REVIEW!!\

Anyways, my crack fairy ways have lead me here, to wonder what the hell is wrong with my head and to give you the children of a Kusajishi Yachiru/Suìfēng pairing. There really is something wrong with me…

1. After a decade of not visiting Suìfēng, Yoruichi decided it was high time she stopped procrastinating.

2. Tomorrow was always a good day, too.

3. So was the day after that.

4. This continued until Kisuke practically shoved Yoruichi into the Seireitei.

5. Needless to say, Yoruichi was not amused.

6. But all thoughts of revenge derailed when she was greeted by the sight of a burgundy-haired child with gray eyes that reminded her of the pink-haired demon from the Eleventh and Suìfēng at the same time.

7. Her brain was unable to process this, so she stood there and pointed and stared for a good minute or so.

8. And then Suìfēng came and found her.

9. "I see you've found Yua," Suìfēng commented, "Now why are you staring and pointing like you have no brain?"

10. It took a good ten minutes for Yoruichi's brain to register that Suìfēng had said anything to her. Yua and Suìfēng waited patiently for Yoruichi to respond.

11. "She looks like you and that crazy kid from the Eleventh Division combined!" Yoruichi explained.

"That's because she is Yachiru and I combined," Suìfēng explained.

"How did that happen?" Yoruichi asked.

"I have no idea," Suìfēng replied, "But it's time for Yua to learn shunpo."

12. At this, Yua finally said something.

13. Well, she more actually moved.

14. Okay, so it's more like became a blur of excited activity.

15. Yes, that would Yachiru's genes coming to the fore.



16. "So there's only the one, right?" Yoruichi asked, grinning hopefully and pointing at Yua again.

"Hell no," Suìfēng replied, "There's three, and another on the way."

17. That sent Yoruichi into another state of shock.

18. When she got over it, she managed to get out, "Where are the others?"

Suìfēng, being the wonderful parent we all know she will be, replied, "Well, Miou is probably chewing on Omeada's head because Kiku shaved it a couple of weeks ago and has kept doing so, and Kiku is most likely in the Eleventh Division with Yachiru because I can't watch all three of them all day, and Kiku is the biggest handful."

19. "And there's another on the way," Yoruichi asked, now becoming very afraid.

"Yes, yes there is," Suìfēng replied, "And for the record, I hate being pregnant."

20. Yoruichi was not amused that Suìfēng was the pregnant one.

21. She went and hid under her bed whenever someone mentioned the Second Division, Suìfēng, Yachiru, or the Eleventh Division.

22. They're not that bad…okay, so they are that bad.

23. Yua can spend the entire day standing still, and then she has this random burst of activity where things are magically destroyed (especially people's pants…and captain haoris).

24. Miou chews on people's heads. Especially shaved ones. And randomly spouts philosophical quotes.

25. Kiku is the one you want to avoid at all costs. She has the worst features of both parents combined.

26. This means Suìfēng's uber-serious face and amazing plotting skills combined with Yachiru's overactive imagination and mischievousness.

27. With the three combined, nobody's quite sure how the Seireitei is still standing.

28. It helps that when Yua magically destroys things it's because she wants to figure out how to reinforce buildings using kidou (or because they have terrible floor plans).

29. Miou chews on other people's heads because it helps her think. And wonder why nobody's come up with a cure for tuberculosis as it's so damn simple.

30. Kiku has no excuse. She's just easily bored and suffers from extreme ADHD.

31. Yeah, wonder where that comes from. I'll give you a hint: it's not Yachiru.

32. There is a reason that Suìfēng drinks lots of tea and refuses to eat candy of any sort.

33. Part of the reason she know has three children with Yachiru is because someone (Omeada) gave her candy.



34. But that's another story. For another year.

35. Eventually, Yua, Miou, and Kiku were joined by Shun.

36. Who was named such because she came out of the room really, really fast.

37. In fact, she learned to shunpo before she could walk (or stand, actually).

38. Her parents were not amused. They already had three other nutcases to chase around, and they didn't need one that could actually escape.

39. So Yoruichi had to come back to catch Shun. There was simply no one else.

40. Unfortunately, this lead to Kiku finding the gate to the human world with Miou and their meeting of none other than Urahara Kisuke.

41. Who from then on understood Yoruichi's feelings on Suìfēng's children.

42. What he really didn't understand was how SMART they were. Where did that come from?

43. Suìfēng heard about this later and then went to beat Kisuke into the ground for implying that A) her children should be stupid and B) that she and Yachiru are stupid.

44. This left Yachiru with their four children in the Seireitei…by herself.

45. No one's quite sure how the Seireitei managed to stay standing, but there is now the official position of 'Child Handler' for the Second Division. Well, actually, there's about three of them.


	43. Emo Bald Men

UPDAAAAAAAAATE!!

Wow, it's been a long time. I'm pretty sure that most of you have long ago given up on me updating this. Which hopefully is going to be updated, otherwise this will sit on my computer forever, forgotten until I'm looking for something else and clicked on this.

I went back and read some of the older chapters…I have no idea where this stuff comes from, but it leaves me laughing. Now all I need is a beta.

So, the last chapter was Yachiru and Suìfēng (good God, that was terrible of me), which means I get to do a yaoi one. And so now it's Yumichika and Ikkaku. Guess who's the pregnant one. Go on! I dare you!

1. Two months after the birth of Kuchiki Mariko, Yumichika and Ikkaku had little Satomi.

2. Yumichika absolutely doted on his new daughter.

3. Ikkaku was just relieved that he wasn't pregnant anymore.

4. It's very hard to be pregnant, male, and in the Eleventh Division.

5. Yachiru was very fond of Ikkaku's pregnant belly. She liked to rub it and show it her pictures.

6. Ikkaku was, of course, totally freaked out.

7. Satomi and Mariko excel at getting dirty and climbing things. Especially tall people.

8. And Aoi is always there to help them get out of trouble.

9. In fact, Aoi taught Satomi how to write.

10. So Satomi has pretty, pretty handwriting, which isn't really that odd considering that Yumichika is her Otousan.

11. And yes, she calls him Otousan. Ikkaku has the dubious honor of being Kaasan.

12. The very dubious honor.

13. Here he is, in the Eleventh Division, and this cute little girl comes running up and calls him Kaasan in a chirpy little girl voice before launching herself into his arms and using him as an over-sized teddy bear.

14. How's he supposed to stay manly when _that_ happens?

15. Especially as he's pregnant again.

16. Ikkaku fervently prayed through the entire pregnancy that he would have a boy and not end up like Ichigo with two little girls.

17. He got his wish…ish.



18. He didn't have a boy.

19. He had twin girls!

20. Yumichika loved them to bits.

21. Ikkaku went emo. Well, as emo as a bald guy who wears black anyway can go.

22. Yumichika named the older one Haruko and the younger one Megumi.

23. And he took very good care of all three of his daughters.

24. Ikkaku, being fed up with being the pregnant one and then having little girls, told Yumichika that he could be the pregnant one the next time.

25. Yumichika agreed, and had a little boy.

26. Yumichika named his new-born son Kichirou, and Ikkaku became even more emo.

27. Not that it was easy, as he had four children to keep him company and draw him pictures and ask him questions and call him Kaasan.

28. Oh yes, they all call him Kaasan, even Kichirou, whose Kaasan is really Yumichika.

29. Yumichika loves all of his children dearly, and knows how to deal with each one.

30. He long ago realized that Satomi is the wildest of the bunch, and so he allows her to roam free, though as long as someone knows where she is and within set limitations.

31. Haruko, the elder of the twins, is always bringing home injured animals and tending to them.

32. Yumichika often hands her over to the Fourth Division, which occasionally gets freaked out by the fact that she seems to have a sixth sense for injured things.

33. Just not members of the Eleventh Division, with some noted exceptions. No one can quite figure out why.

34. Megumi is the quiet one of the bunch, often stopping one of her other siblings from severely injuring themselves.

35. However, she's the one with the temper. And she doesn't take shit from anyone.

36. It's all nice and quiet and then you say the wrong thing and BAM!! Scarier than a pissed off Unohana Retsu.

37. Certain members of the Eleventh Division have found this out the hard way, and there's no Haruko to come get them.

38. Kichirou is just your average little boy with two male parents.



39. As normal as you can get growing up in the Seireitei with two male parents who are both in the Eleventh Division, anyway.

40. He got a shinai at a really young age and carried it around until he got his actual zanpakutou and randomly hit people with it.

41. He once hit Megumi with it, and now he hides behind her when scary people come.

42. Because he's realized that if he thinks Megumi's scary, than other people must think she's scary, too.

43. This doesn't really work on an angry Yumichika, who's coming after his children when they've misbehaved.

44. Look, an angry Ayasegawa Yumichika is enough to make a pissed off Unohana Retsu run in the OTHER DIRECTION.

45. Yeah…his children don't misbehave much.

Lookit! It's done! Hoorah!

And Azn Muffin, I will have a present for you…eventually…yeah, I'd better go start that.


	44. Bad Plans can have happy endings

I'M BAAAAAAAAAACK. I know you didn't miss me, so you don't have to tell me, kay? Great. Let's get down to business. By which I mean crack. Which is no longer regularly scheduled.

I'm actually surprised I don't get irate reviews or PMs telling me to update more regularly (that's what tells me you don't miss me), but I digress.

This is Suìfēng and Ichigo. Somebody requested/suggested this, but I was going to do it before, and I got tired of keeping my yuri/yaoi ones on equal scores.

Now excuse me while I go figure out how the hell these two could be a couple. Shit, this is almost as bad as Hanatarou and Suìfēng, and I really don't want to use the alcohol again. But I think I've got it now…

1. In retrospect, kissing Suìfēng-taichou to make her stop screaming was a really, really, _really_ bad idea.

2. Ichigo decided this while running his fingers through Suìfēng's hair as she slept on his chest after some really, really, _really_ wild sex.

3. The bruises were worse than the ones he got from practicing with Kenpachi.

4. Though, really, it was totally worth it.

5. So he came back. Again, again, _again_.

6. And then Suìfēng got pregnant.

7. And Ichigo finally realized he'd fallen in love with the psychotic little ninja midget.

8. Not that he'd ever call the psychotic little ninja midget to her face.

9. Especially not when she was pregnant.

10. That was a worse plan than what got him into this mess.

11. Of course, he had to his original plan again when he told Suìfēng that he loved her.

12. She screamed at him, calling him a filthy liar until he kissed her again.

13. Whenever he told her after that, she would just sort of grunt at him as if accepting his admission.

14. Their eldest child was named Akane for her red hair.

15. Ichigo adored her, and Suìfēng had no idea what she was doing, so she had to ask Ichigo for help.

16. They sort of made a family, or they tried to.

17. More correctly, Ichigo tried to make a family, and Suìfēng wasn't sure what she was doing.

18. They did happen to stay a couple, which resulted in the birth of their second child, Hotaka.



19. By the time of her son's birth, Suìfēng had begun to get the hang of being a parent, but she wasn't sure of her position with Ichigo in any sense, other than the sex and their children.

20. She did try to make a normal life for those children, due mainly to Ichigo's urgings.

21. But still, Akane and Hotaka, both gifted with their father's red hair (though and varying shades) and their mother's gray eyes, watched in confusion at their mother's awkwardness with not only their father, but also them.

22. Ichigo, for his part, loved them and raised them the best he could, with some help from Rukia, Renji, the Eleventh Division, and…Byakuya.

23. Perhaps Byakuya was not the best choice, because Akane copied his mask to hide the confusion and pain her mother's unsure touches caused.

24. Hotaka mainly got into trouble as much as he could to get his mother's attention, even if only in passing.

25. Both of these, of course, resulted in arguments between Ichigo and Suìfēng, in which Ichigo just basically wanted Suìfēng to move past her insecurities and realize that they all loved her.

26. But it wasn't until Suìfēng was pregnant with their third child that she actually managed to stammer out to Ichigo that yes, she loved him too, but she didn't know what she was doing.

27. And he'd smiled warmly at her and cupped her growing belly and said, "It doesn't matter, as long as you try."

28. So while she was pregnant with Taiki, she spent time with her children, as much as she possibly could.

29. She praised Hotaka on his drawing skills (which he'd picked up from Yachiru), and taught Akane how to make tea and play go.

30. To Akane, she also taught that sometimes, it's okay to cry, and then she held her daughter as she sobbed.

31. To Hotaka, she taught that sometimes, misbehaving is a good way not to get attention, and that one should always ask for it, and it's alright to just sit in her office and talk at her while she does paperwork. That she will actually listen, that most everyone will actually listen, if he just stops to speak.

33. And so they become, slightly awkwardly and with more than a few false starts, a family.

34. Especially after Taiki is born, and both Hotaka and Akane have someone to protect…collectively.

35. Taiki grows up smiling, ushered along by his older siblings and his parents' fond smiles.

36. And followed by Mitsuko.

37. Who was all bright smiles and grins.

38. Until Kurotsuchi came and made her (and Taiki) cry.



39. Luckily for Kurotsuchi, Zaraki Kenpachi walked up at that moment, and Mitsuko liked the sound of the bells in his hair.

40. So she sat on Kenpachi's other shoulder, across from Yachiru.

41. That right there cancelled out any hope of Mitsuko being even slightly normal.

42. She's the violent one of the four children. She likes to pick up sticks and beat people (especially Kurotsuchi) with them.

43. Taiki got to be the normal one. As he got older, he understood his siblings less and less.

44. Akane, even understanding that she can cry and it's alright to do so, still reverted back to her mask (and won many poker tournaments after doing so), while Hotaka decided to fuel all of his creative tendencies, once used for mischief, into music, more specifically, the piano. Yes, the piano.

45. Their parents love them anyway. And they love each other. They're a family.

I feel really sappy now. I don't know where the hell that came from, but it's done. Deal with it. Okay, I'm done. I think I might go get some chocolate. Or something.

I did an Anko/Gai one of these things and posted it on deviantART. If you're interested. Or whatever.


	45. Breaking Silence for a Pillowcase

Hey, look, it's a puppy!

No, seriously, it's a puppy.

LOOK AT THE FUCKING PUPPY ALREADY, OKAY??

You guys are seriously hard to distract from my lack of updates. ;_; (oh, wow, that emoticon looks really, really stupid on my computer and grammar check told me to fix it! Sweet!)

So, um, anyway, here's an update. Eventually. I have no idea how long this will take me. HOCRAP it's been a long time since I've done one of these. School – it eats your soul. And your creativity! (And I bet none of you will read those the way I said them in my head)

Because you complain if I don't announce, this one is Ishida Uryuu and Inoue Orihime.

ALSO, in other news, I have decided my OTC (one true crack) is Yachiru and Suìfēng, because it cracks me up just to think about it. I think I will revisit that pairing.

Which reminds me, I need to work on my torture of Yoruichi…

1. There was just something about the look on Ishida Ryuuken's face that made everything worth it.

2. Yes, even the being chased by Tatsuki, Ichigo, and even Chizuru (though Chizuru was crying the whole time and Tatsuki and Ichigo just screamed curses)

3. Uryuu still thinks it isn't fair.

4. As a matter of fact, according to Uryuu, it's all Ichigo's fault.

5. Well, maybe he had some help from Kisuke.

6. After all, Kisuke was the one who threw the part with "unlimited" booze.

7. It wasn't quite that unlimited, everyone realized, once Suìfēng started drinking. It's actually quite scary how high Suìfēng's alcohol tolerance is.

8. And how low Yoruichi's is. Bu that is a story for another time!

9. But Ichigo was the one who challenged Uryuu to a drinking contest and got him drunk, which led to the aforementioned fault.

10. However, neither Ichigo, nor Tatsuki, nor Chizuru would listen to him.

11. It didn't even matter that Orihime was stone-cold sober that night.

12. Mainly because both Tatsuki and Chizuru were in attendance, so Tatsuki made sure that Orihime just drank soda so that Chizuru didn't have the opportunity to molest a drunken Orihime.

13. On the flip side, it meant that Orihime got to molest (and seduce) a drunken Ishida.

14. Courtesy of Kurosaki Ichigo.

15. The reason for such an action is because they had been dating for over a year and NOTHING HAD HAPPENED.

16. Again, courtesy of Kurosaki Ichigo. With some help from Arisawa Tatsuki.

17. They both (separately) threatened him with bodily harm if he EVER did anything to Orihime.

18. Never mind the fact that Orihime wanted him to do all sorts of things to her.

19. Which is why she took the opportunity to seduce him when he was drunk.

20. Which is how she ended up pregnant.

21. Which is why Uryuu had to go see his father, Ryuuken, and tell him that he would soon be a grandfather.

22. Or maybe it was the fact that Uryuu had signed him up for prenatal care.

23. The same way he signed up Ichigo for midnight craving runs.

24. It was really hard to argue with a very angry Orihime at two am in the morning about the availability of Cadbury's Eggs in July.

25. And Orihime wouldn't want to distract her husband (both Tatsuki and Ichigo insisted – while Chizuru cried – that they get married before having the baby) from making the baby's clothes or linens or curtains, now would she?

26. They named their son Souken, in honor of Uryuu's grandfather.

27. The first time Ryuuken held his grandson, he held him at arm's length.

28. Souken still managed to spit up on him. A lot.

29. It was the beginning of life-long enmity between Souken and his grandfather.

30. It was not helped by the fact that Souken was a better Quincy than his grandfather.

31. Or by the fact that Souken's main babysitters as a child had been Ichigo and Tatsuki (as revenge for the torture they'd put Uryuu – and Orihime, according to Orihime – through before Souken's birth).

32. Souken never called his grandfather anything nicer than 'pansy'. In fact, he taught his siblings to call him 'pansy' as well.

33. He failed with Taiki, but that's probably because Taiki is a miniature Ryuuken.

34. Taiki even became a doctor, but it is still mentioned that he's the weakest of them.

35. He's also the stupid one of the lot, too. But he's sort of Orihime's favorite because the others tease him so. It's more of a pity thing, though.

36. Masuyo is the one that reminds her baby brother of his shortcomings the least, but that's just because she doesn't ever talk to him.

37. Ever.

38. Not even to pass the salt. You can forget it.

39. It doesn't help that Masuyo is the best of them.

40. She kicked Souken's ass when she was four (and he was about ten, with a good four years of training as a Quincy under his belt).

41. But the way Masuyo tells it, someone's got to be the rash, brave one.

42. Just as someone's got to be the stupid, often underappreciated one.

43. Masuyo's never said it to him (because she doesn't ever talk to him, mainly since she tried once and he gave her the cold shoulder and she's still P-I-S-S-E-D about it), but he's the best at sewing out of them.

44. In fact, she's kept every single one of his projects, including the ones he thought he threw away. Her favorite are the pillowcases he made when he was seven.

45. Masuyo is considering breaking her vow of silence against her younger brother; her pillowcases are fraying and the embroidery's getting pretty ragged. She's going to need new ones soon, and Taiki hasn't attempted pillowcases again since he was seven.


End file.
